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Earthbound MST3K

Authors: Jeff Stone
Categories: Parody
Show Year: Y1
Rating: PG
Date: 1999
The Mystery Science Theater crew read Robert Gilbert's "Simmonds!".
Average Rating: No reviews.

This Sci-Fi Channel program is brought to you by....PRONG! The fizzy chocolate drink!
Cue MST3K theme

(The Satellite Of Love...Mike and Servo are doing a crossword puzzle)
MIKE: OK, 10, four letters.
SERVO: It's gotta be 'fish'.
MIKE: Yeah, but we've got one of the letters already, and it's Z.
SERVO: Oh, it must be a Z-fish.
(KABOOOOM!!! The SOL rocks with a huge explosion...Mike and Servo fall over)
MIKE: What the Sam Hill was that?!
(Crow emerges from cloud of smoke, looking very charred)
CROW: OK, bite me, it was me, OK? I blew up the galley, OK?!
MIKE: Why, Crow?! For the love of me, why?
CROW: Ahhhh, I thought I'd try and blow the Moon out of orbit, seeing as today's film is Space: 1999. I couldn't use the real Moon, so I made a fake one out of Ezi-Cheez and stuffed it with fire crackers.
SERVO: And what happened, he asked knowingly?
CROW: Well, I hope you guys like cheese on everything, cos it's all over the kitchen.
SERVO: If you've got cheese on my Plan 9 poster, I'll...

(whoop whoop)

ALL: Ahhhh, 1999 time!!!


CROW: I thought we were gonna be watching Space: 1999. If I have to sit through Dustin Hoffman being an idiot again, I'll puke wingnuts.
MIKE: No, Crow. It's the show's hook.
SERVO: Oh no! I can't stand that film! Robin William's worst movie since the travesty of Popeye, and until the miserable spectacle that was Jumanji! Flee! Julia Roberts makes me wanna retch!
(The robots attempt to leave...Mike coaxes them back)
MIKE: It's Space: 1999, guys, I swear. Here, have some Ezi-Cheese.


CROW: My one looked better. Tasted nicer, too.

Simmonds looks out a viewport. Behind him Koenig, Helena, Alan & Paul are clearing papers from the Command Conference table.
KOENIG: "Okay, Paul. You make a copy of that."

-=Richard Lamer: "Makin' Copies!"

PAUL: "Right, thank you."

SERVO: Yeah, cheers, Commander sir. I'll just go peel you a grape too, while I'm at it.

HELENA: "Here, Helena. You don't need one."

MIKE: Why is Helena talking to herself?
CROW: I think it's a misprint.
SERVO: You'd talk to yourself too, if you were the token woman in the Command Staff.

SIMMONDS (walking back to them): "Alright, just a minute."
SIMMONDS: "Now, once again, I've sat in at a Command Conference and listened to a cosy round of self congratulation. Aren't we doing well. Um? Adapting. Adjusting. Coming to terms. And once again, I am shocked that we have not discussed a serious attempt to locate Earth and return there."

CROW: And I'm steamed that no-one's taken up my idea of having everyone wear tartan muu-muus.

KOENIG: "Simmonds. We can't afford to waste our time on
something scientifically impossible."
SIMMONDS: "Impossible? The impossible takes just a little longer, that's all, Commander."

CROW: And you need more Ezi-Cheez than I had to hand.
SERVO: Enough already about your damn cheese Moon, Crow!

-=Koenig: "Shut up Simmonds."

HELENA: "Commissioner. We can't encourage false hope. All of us have had to come to terms with life here on Alpha."
SIMMONDS: "Hope is the key to morale. We should maintain it, we should exploit it, ruthlessly, in order to achieve what should be our sole objective."

MIKE: Finding me a less silly hairdo.

Going home."
KOENIG: "Commissioner. Our priorities are survival and the search for an alternative place to live. A return to Earth is out of the question."

SERVO: Yeah, Earth: 1999 doesn't sound as cool as Space: 1999. Let's just stay in space.

SANDRA (on comms post screen): "Commander Koenig. Sensors detect a powered object approaching Alpha at speed three point seven two. Range four nine zero three."
Koenig starts off.

MIKE Vrrrrroooom! (assorted bike noises)

Koenig leads the others in as the big doors open.
KOENIG: "What kind of a powered object?"

CROW: A 57 Chevy. Whadda you think?!

SANDRA: "Indications are that it is a manned space craft, Commander."
KOENIG: "Kano, when will we have a visual?"
DAVID: "Estimate..a minute or less."
KOENIG: "Radio contact?"
PAUL: "None, sir."
KOENIG: "Keep all frequencies open. Alan. Put Eagles One and Two on the pad for immediate lift off. I want to show our visitors every kind of welcome."

MIKE: Unroll the 'Welcome This Week's Alien Weirdoes' banner.

ALAN: "And if they're hostile, sir?"

CROW: Relax, Alan. You're a series regular. You can't die no matter how badly you do.

KOENIG: "You'll be the first to know." ((Alan leaves))

-=Koenig Chuckles.

SANDRA: "Visual."
-Big Screen (SFX): Small blue object approaches, streak of a nebula top left.

MIKE: My lava lamp!

-Main Mission
DAVID (coming down from computer): "Data analysed and ready for print out, Commander."
KOENIG: "Let's have it." ((David goes to screen under Big Screen))
COMPUTER (narration & text on screen): "Subject- Unidentified Powered Object.

CROW: UPO...not quite the same ring as UFO, huh? You-poe.
CROW: Edgar Allen You-Poe.

Object Will Orbit Alpha's Position At Coordinates Nine Zero Seven Nine. Data Confirms- Object Manned."
KOENIG: "Still no contact?"
PAUL: "None, sir."
KOENIG (using Paul's desk): "Eagle One?"

SERVO: No, my name's Alan, but you can call me anything you like, Commander baby.

ALAN (VO): "Commander?"
KOENIG: "Intercept that space craft. Lift off."
Eagle, with striped pod, lifts off.
KOENIG (VO): "Eagle Two. Lift off."

CROW: Overused stock footage. Lift-off!

Second striped Eagle lifts off.

MIKE: Is that the same shot as the first Eagle?
CROW: No, silly. It's reversed. That's why the writing on the side look like Arabic.

Alan, with copilot.
Both Eagles rise over lunar mountains.
Kaldorian ship flies from streak of nebula.
Eagles closing through space.
Alan & copilot look at each other.

CROW: I love you.

Kaldorian ship flies on. Moments after the two Eagles fly after it.

MIKE: Follow that lava lamp!


ALL (mimicking theme music): Bahhhhhhh Martin Landau! Bahhhhh-Bahhhbara Bain! Buh-BAHHHHHHH! Bah Bah-bah-bah-bah! Bah, wheoooooooo...twang! Twang! Twang-twang! Twang! Twa-twang-twang-twang-twang! This Ep-i-sode!


-=Barbara Bain turns away from Koenig almost as If on a pedestal.

CROW: squeak, squeak, squeak...

guest artist Roy Dotrice
special guest star Christopher Lee
screenplay by Anthony Terpiloff
story consultant Christopher Penfold

SERVO: Visual design by a bunch of modern art student hippies on acid.

moon city costumes designed by Rudi Gernreich

CROW (singing): Moooooon City! Wiiiider than a miiiiile...

(The Satellite Of Love...Servo is dressed as Koenig, Crow as Dr Russell)
CROW: This is stupid.
SERVO: Shaddup, and do the line.
CROW (sighs): Oh, alright...ahem (adopts Russell voice)...Oh, John, when will our odyssey through the stars come to an end? Humans were not born to live in this sterile prison. Will we ever find a new home?
SERVO (Koenig): Put it up on the Big Screen.
MIKE (watching): What?
SERVO (Koenig): Visual.
CROW: Servo, have you been at rhe marijuana WD40 again? I thought we were going to a sketch about Space: 1999. (waves claw at script)
SERVO: We are. (Koenig): Where the lives of the crew are concerned...
MIKE: That's not what's in the script. You're supposed to reply to Cro-er, Dr Russell, that we all must have faith and hope for a brighter tomorrow, etc etc.
SERVO: (Koenig) Alan, I need a pilot.
CROW: You're just saying any old thing that comes into your head!
SERVO: I'm just doing what Martin Laundau does. Other than the occasional chat with the crew and the bit of hippy moralising at the end, all Koenig ever does is say stuff like...(Koenig) Goddammit, Helena!
CROW: This wig is itchy. I'm quitting.
SERVO (wistfully, Koenig): Can we ever quit? Is the price of quitting too high?

(whoop whoop)

MIKE: Thank God, 1999 time!
SERVO (Koenig): Put Eagle One on the pad for immediate lift-off!

Kaldorian ship flies to Moon, revolving.
ALAN: "Spacecraft flight unstable."

CROW: Kaldoran Airlines. Fly the unstable skies!

Kaldorian ship.
ALAN: "They're in trouble. They're not going into orbit."
KOENIG (on screen): "Distress signals?"
ALAN: "None."
KOENIG (on screen): "Follow it down, Eagle One."

SERVO: He keeps calling Alan Eagle One.
MIKE: Yeah, that's his pet name for his grandson.
CROW: Pardon?
MIKE: That's a lead-in for a joke later on.

The Kaldorian ship is followed by the Eagles in a shallow dive.
ALAN: "It's going to crash."
KOENIG (on screen): "Stand clear, Eagles One and Two."
Two Eagles level off as the Kaldorian continues down.
Alan looks down.

CROW: Damn, but these flared trousers are fashionable.

Kaldorian ship moves at angle over surface and fires jets to avoid impact. Jets fire again and one leg hits the ground, followed roughly by the 2 others.

MIKE: Ok fellas, time to play Spot The Strings.
CROW: I saw a couple coming out of Koenig's head just now.
SERVO: Crow, this is live-action, not a puppet show.
CROW: Coulda fooled me...

KOENIG: "Paul. Order a crash unit to Launch Pad Three
immediately. Call Carter in, I want him to fly it."

SRRVO: That's surreal. How do you fly a launch pad?

-=Alan: "Yippee."

PAUL: "Yes sir."
KOENIG: "And tell Professor Bergman to meet us there. Kano. Any readings of life signs from the crash site?"
DAVID: "Negative, Commander."
KOENIG: "Paul, get security to join us."
PAUL: "Right."

SERVO: This is a 'nice alien' episode, so get some non-cannon fodder guys to do it.

KOENIG: "Doctor Russell, I'd like you to come with us." ((they start to arch))

MIKE: Oh, John, you know all the lines, you lady killer you.

SIMMONDS: "Koenig. I think I'd better come too."
KOENIG: "Commissioner, right now I need a doctor and a scientist out there. Not a politician." ((leaves))

CROW: Damn, you stand for the National Socialist Party twice, and everyone thinks you're Hitler!

-=Koenig: "In other words Simmonds ---- no one likes you and
your mother dresses you funny!"

Unit speeds along.

SERVO: And now...reverse the footage...

Unit speeds along.
Unit comes to a halt

CROW: UNIT? Wasn't that in Doctor Who?

Boarding tube connected with starboard of red striped Eagle.

CROW: Hmmm, if you licked the Eagle, would it taste of peppermint, you think?

Koenig, Helena and Victor enter port door, as an astronaut puts a laser in his holster in foreground. Koenig takes spacesuits from the locker & joins Victor, already suited, & 2 other astronauts as lasers are passed round
ALAN (VO): "Carter here. We'll be lifting off in five seconds."
KOENIG (to others): "All set?"
Eagle lifts off.
KOENIG (now wearing suit): "You believe it's just chance?"
VICTOR (wearing helmet): "No. They picked us out, John."
KOENIG: "If they were going to attempt to land on Alpha they must know what they're looking for."

CROW: Tickets to a Grateful Dead gig, probably.

HELENA: "I wish we knew."
Eagle flies low over lunar surface, passing a gravity tower.
Eagle flies low over surface.
Eagle reaches Kaldorian ship & turns round.

MIKE: Stock-O Stock Footage, for all your time-wasting needs.

ALAN: "Looks like some kind of a hatch on the port side, Commander. I'll put her down, see if I can get a connection."

SERVO: Carter's trying to score drugs?

-=Koenig: "What do you think the chances of us *NOT* being able
to "get" a connection are?"

Eagle lands by Kaldorian ship.
Alan operates.

CROW: Forceps...sutures...sponge...

-=Dr. Carter?

A boarding tube extends from the starboard of the Eagle to the alien hull.
Alan presses 2 keys on a display marked 'Vacuum Chamber': a bleeping sounds.
ALAN: "Confirmed complete contact, sir. Vacuum chamber is now ready for entry."

CROW: The Vacuum Chamber...the latest boring legal thriller by John Grisham.

ALAN (VO): "I'm returning Eagle to stand by on Launch Pad One."
The astronauts go to the port door.
Eagle lifts off, leaving its pod on the surface.
The five enter; Helena closes the Eagle door behind them. Before them is a section of blue bulkhead, with the hexagonal outline of a door and a small control panel left. Koenig aims a detector at it, then turns to Victor.
KOENIG: "Victor?"
Victor walks up & looks through an instrument at the bulkhead.
KOENIG: "Any signs of life?"
VICTOR: "The metallic structure of the metal is very dense, but, ah,..there's certainly no movement I can see."

CROW: It's either unmanned, or it's a ship full of Leonard Cohen fans.

KOENIG (using comlock): "Kano. Can you get us a Spectro X analysis?"

MIKE: No, sir...we don't have anything called Spectro-X. You just made that name up to sound 'spacey'.

DAVID (on comlock screen): "Spectro X, Commander. Internal Lunar gravity."
KOENIG (replaces comlock): "Helena. Decompress."

CROW: Ughhh! Helena's gonna deflate!

They all lower their visors. Helena uses controls by the Eagle door.
KOENIG: "Victor?"
VICTOR (lowering his instrument): "Looks like a central locking point."

CROW: Or you could just push the big red button marked OPEN. Your choice, John.

-=Koenig: "I _know_ it "looks" like one of them but what is it?

Koenig puts his scanner near the door. A shrill sound.
KOENIG: "That's it. Stand back."
They all draw their stun guns. The blue hexagon splits in a vertical cross.
The door opens and the astronauts enter. They walk in low gravity around the transparent cabinets in which the aliens lie. They look at one alien.
HELENA: "Suspended animation?"

CROW: No thanks, I'm trying to give up.
MIKE: Cavemen in Cro-Magnon Era Africa regarded that joke as old, Crow.

KOENIG: "Could be. Alright, we've got to start somewhere. Tony, go back to the ship: bring back some lights and Doctor Russell's equipment."

SERVO: And while you're at it, whip us up a batch of brownies.

-=Koenig: "...Since it's so damn dark in here."

The astronaut leaves. Koenig takes his comlock.
KOENIG: "Paul. Activate gravity control and atmosphere."
Paul operates the keyboard: a monitor screen shows a line forming waves.

CROW: Wavy line machine at maximum! Prepare to activate the thing that goes 'boop'!

PAUL: "You have gravity and atmosphere, Commander."
Simmonds stares out the viewport.
Kaldorian ship and Eagle pod.

CROW: The Moon Hilton! Affordable units, swimming pool, freeze-dried alien hippies on request!

View in through viewport as Simmonds looks out. Alan enters.
SIMMONDS (walking to Paul): "Well, I hope they know what they're doing out there."
PAUL: "None of us knows for sure, Commissioner."
SIMMONDS: "Koenig could be in danger. Why is there no visual link up?"
ALAN: "Now hold your horses, Commissioner. We're all breaking our necks for a look."

MIKE: Wow, they have horses on the Moon?
CROW: Yes, and talking cucumbers too.
SERVO: That was in Season 2, though...when the show got more adult.

SANDRA: "Visual coming up now, Commissioner."
-Big Screen (SFX): Koenig & Helena, visors up, with monitor at head of a case.
HELENA (VO): "E K G and E E G both negative."

CROW: That proves it...they ARE Leonard Cohen fans.
MIKE: Shhhh, some of the people reading this might like him.
SERVO: I like him...the first song I ever learned to play on my nose-flute was 'Suzanne'.
CROW: Nose-flute? You don't HAVE a nose, Servo!
SERVO: That's why I only ever learned the one song.

KOENIG (VO): "There's absolutely no indication of life."
HELENA (VO): "If it was suspended animation, maybe the crash killed them."
-Main Mission: Simmonds
KOENIG (VO): "No heart function, no brain activity."

MIKE: On the other hand, they could be the studio audience for Family Matters.

HELENA: "And, as far as I can tell from radio microanalysis, the skin tissue shows no evidence of cell growth."
KOENIG (walks to look at Zantor): "Who were they? Where did they come from?"

MIKE: They came from...outer space!
CROW: They came from Alabama, with banjoes on their knees!

VICTOR: "Well, you've taken every possible precaution. There's nothing else we can do."

CROW: OK, they're dead. Back to Main Mission, everyone, for coffee and Pop Tarts.

-=Russell: "Yeah ---- I suppose If they ARE alive we might as well
kill one just in case they believe in revenge!"

Koenig returns to Helena's casket.

When did Helena die?

KOENIG: "Right, let's do it." ((uses comlock)) "Stand by computer for biochemical analysis."
PAUL (VO): "Main Mission standing by."
Helena puts a hand drill to the top right corner of the head of one case.

MIKE: It's Helena 'The Tool Woman' Russell! Do you know what time it is?
CROW: Yeah, time to shut up, Mike.

The drill starts, but then a red halo pulsates over the alien's head. They stand back. Inside the case are small explosions and bright light and smoke fill the cabinet. It clears revealing black ash in a humanoid form.

MIKE: I've heard of hippies getting toasted, but...

The central column pulsates three times. Halos form over the heads of the five other aliens, and the pulses grow in strength and regularity. One by one the five aliens sit up in their cabinets. The perspex sides slide down, & lights illuminate the spaceship. They swing their legs out, and stand. They walk to circle the three Alphans, then Zantor walks to the empty casket and looks at the ashes. He then looks at the three Alphans.

CROW: Who's been cremating in MY bed?!!!

(The Satellite Of Love...Mike is on the phone)
CROW: Who's Mike talking to? Pearl?
SERVO: No, the President of the Leonard Cohen Fan Club. They're pissed at the jokes we made about Lenny in the past bit.
MIKE (on phone): Yes,, we do realise...I'm sure you ARE very much alive, sir...(hands Crow phone) You talk to him, Crow.
CROW: Hello? (pauses) Mike, he's hung up! (Mike takes phone)
MIKE: No, he's still there.
CROW: That's the DIAL TONE, Mike!!!!
MIKE: Really?

(whoop whoop)
ALL: Ahhhhh, back to Space 1999!

Kaldorian ship and pod.
Zantor picks up the ashes and lets them fall through his fingers. He looks at the Alphans.
HELENA: "All our instruments indicated that life no longer existed."

'CROW: We got a 10 on our dead-ometer scale.

KOENIG: "Yes, we were convinced of it. Only then did we break
the seal."
Zantor looks at them for a beat, then extends his hand to the casket. The aliens file around the casket. Zantor walks to Helena & offers his hand. Helena takes it & the three are led to the casket. The aliens hold their arms up, bent across their chests with left hand uppermost. The Alphans imitate the ritual.

CROW: Ya put your left hand up, ya put your right hand down, ya burn an alien to a crisp, then you shake it all about....

SIMMONDS (paces): "Come on, come on. What the hell's the delay?"
PAUL: "Maybe they don't live by lunar time, Commissioner?"
KOENIG (appearing on monitor): "Paul, have the Crash Units stand by. They're going to fly their space ship in on half power."
Paul types.

CROW: Dear Diary, this job sucks. I never get to do anything cool, and even Kano gets better lines than I do.

Kaldorian ship lifts off, leaving the pod.
At a 45o tilt the ship flies low over the lunar surface, passing a gravity tower.

CROW: What's that tower thing?
MIKE: Oh, that's Alpha FM's transmitter. They only have one record.
SERVO: Fly Me To the Moon?
MIKE: Bingo.

Alan & Paul
-Big Screen (SFX): Kaldorian ship hovers over a pad.
The Kaldorian ship settles.
PAUL (VO): "Crash units stand down."

CROW: Crash units, fall over giggling.

-=Crash Units: "Um, sir, we weren't standing."

PAUL: "Maintenance Crew prepare to receive alien space ship."
((he types))

MIKE: All the Alphans in the house, c'mon an' lemme hear ya say 'Ho!'

Pad platform descends with ship.
PAUL (VO): "Security. Stand by Travel Tube to alien spaceship "
PAUL: " and prepare for visitors."

CROW: Gatorade and Twiglets to Pad 5!

Simmonds leaves.

SERVO: I'm going where my pompous grizzling gets some respect!

-=Paul: "Where do you think you are going?"
-=Simmonds: "To greet our guests ---- need I remind you that I am your superior?"
-=Paul: "For the 8,000,000,000th time, No!"

Simmonds pushes past the Alphans crowding the corridor.

CROW: Nohing's gonna stop me from getting Christopher Lee's autograph!

SIMMONDS: "Excuse me."
Koenig, Helena and Victor lead the five aliens along. Simmonds walks in front of them.
SIMMONDS: "Well, Koenig?

-=Koenig: "Well WHAT???

SIMMONDS: I think you should introduce us."
KOENIG: "Captain Zantor - Commissioner Simmonds."
ZANTOR: "Your status, please?"
SIMMONDS: "I represent Earth authority here on Moonbase Alpha. And, in that capacity, may I say...welcome."

CROW: And can I have your autograph, Mr Lee sir? I loved you in Night Of The Big Heat.

ZANTOR: "You represent Earth authority?"
SIMMONDS: "Yes. And may I first assure you that those responsible for the regrettable loss of your crewmember will be brought to account."

SERVO: We'll take the man responsible and put him in...THE COMFY CHAIR!!!
CROW & MIKE: No, not the Comfy Chair!

-=Zantor: "It's Okay ---- he was an Asshole anyway ---- we are glad to be free of him."

KOENIG: "Commissioner, I take the responsibility."
SIMMONDS: "Yes, you must. As operational Commander."

MIKE: Is there a NON-operational coomander?
CROW: Koenig's a robot. He takes it in turns with his double to be 'Operational Commander Of The Week.'

-=Koenig: "No need to remind me."

ZANTOR: "We realise that the mistake that destroyed our comrade was from ignorance, not malice. We do not require judicial revenge."

CROW: No, we'd be happy if you just string the bastard up and hang him.

KOENIG: "Captain. As soon as you've refreshed yourselves, I suggest we meet to discuss our situation. Doctor Russell will see you to your quarters."
As Helena leads them on, Simmonds pauses by Koenig.
SIMMONDS: "Be careful, Koenig. They may not be as friendly as they seem."

CROW: That guy leading them looks like Dracula. Beware!

The aliens are in a circle, Zantor holding four glossy purple eggs.

MIKE: And now, the ancient Kaldorian custom of Easter Egg Hunting.

The others each take one and line up as he turns and walks down to Koenig, Victor, Helena, and Simmonds.
ZANTOR: "Please accept these gifts as peace tokens from the people of Kaldor." ((the other aliens file down, each passing over an egg to an Alphan)) "The Libra Bird was our symbol of peace and freedom, but like everything else on our planet it ultimately became sterile. When we left there was only two surviving pairs. And their eggs, when filled with gold, were greatly prized as memorials to our fading life."

CROW: Wouldn't hey be more valuable filled with live Libra bird?

KOENIG: "Thank you, Captain. We accept your gifts. May I ask how long you've been travelling?"
ZANTOR: "Approximately three and a half of your centuries. Our planet was dying. Our people sent out many ships, one to each planet we believed could sustain our kind of life."
KOENIG: "And your ship was programmed to land on this Moon?"
ZANTOR: "Only to orbit this Moon. And then we would reanimate and prepare for the final stage of our journey, to your planet, Earth."

CROW: We plan to make our home in San Francisco, where we will look normal.

KOENIG: "Are you aware this Moon is no longer in Earth's orbit?"
ZANTOR: "Yes, I fear that random variations in your trajectory and velocity caused our computer to err, and so we have crashed."
KOENIG: "Well, it's remarkable your computer was able to find us at all."
ZANTOR: "It was so programmed. How could it do otherwise?"
SIMMONDS: "Is your computer capable of calculating the present position of Earth?"
ZANTOR: "Yes."

SERVO: It is an Amstrad, with a tape drive and 32 mighty K of RAM.

SIMMONDS: "And it's programmed to reach Earth?"
ZANTOR: "That is our prime directive."
SIMMONDS: "Should be ours too. Unfortunately some of us seem to have lost the will to achieve it." ((He receives some hard looks))
KOENIG: "So your hope is to settle on Alpha?"
ZANTOR: "If we are welcome, yes."
KOENIG: "But if you are not?"
ZANTOR: "Then we would submit ourselves to voluntary reduction. In your terms we would take our own lives."

CROW: Sheesh, talk about not taking no for an answer!
MIKE: You sure you guys aren't called KEVORKIANS?

HELENA: "May I suggest that I run some tests to determine whether or not you and our people on Earth are medically compatible?"
VICTOR: "I'll help you to assess the damage to your ship."
KOENIG: "I'll leave you in their hands."

CROW: Buahahahahaha!!! Fools!!!

-=All except Koenig: "Oh way to pass the buck."

ZANTOR: "We are grateful."
KOENIG: "My pleasure, Captain."
Koenig & the others walk towards the office doors. Simmonds watches them, juggling his egg.

MIKE: Shit, if I had *two* eggs, I could busk and get some money to go home.

Helena leads the aliens & Victor through Main Mission, showing Tanya & the other staff her egg. Koenig walks to his desk.
KOENIG (to self): "A symbol of peace and freedom."

MIKE: This bit was cut out of the SF Channel reruns.
CROW: Dammit. Why can't they do the same to Full House and Step By Step? Y'know, cut them down by...oooh, about 25 minutes or so?

SIMMONDS (coming to him): "Perhaps the impossible doesn't take as long as we thought.

SERVO: Yes. I proved that last night when I managed to ask a woman out without her throwing up all over me.

Their ship is bound for Earth. Their computers programmed for going home, you just heard him say so."
KOENIG: "What are you suggesting?"
SIMMONDS: "Ha! Come on now. None of you thought we had a chance. This is it. All we need is the courage, the vision, ..and the leadership to seize their ship."

MIKE: And also...a SHRUBBERY!!!

KOENIG: "And the Kaldorians?"
SIMMONDS (throwing his egg into Koenig's hands): "Expendable."

CROW: You mean egg-spendable.
SERVO: Egg-cellent joke there, Crow.
CROW: Egg-ceptional of you to say so.
MIKE: Quit the egg jokes, guys, or I'll egg-secute someone.
SERVO: Egghead.

As Bob works with a female alien beyond, Helena adjusts a scanner arm at the seated Zantor.

CROW: Tune in next time, when you'll hear Dr Bob say...

ZANTOR: "Cryogenic deep freezing we found to be inadequate for suspended animation. The deterioration of the body can be slowed down but life itself cannot be suspended in that way. On Earth you freeze food to keep it fresh, do you not?"
HELENA: "Yes. We do here."
ZANTOR: "But the flavour fades."
HELENA: "The problem's the same all over the Universe."

CROW: We are all united in our lack of adequate refrigerators...there's a message of brotherly hope for ya.

ZANTOR: "Exactly. The flavour of life itself is lost. But our process is different. We have found a way of accelerating energy to create a cycle which holds all the cell particles in stasis. There is no reason why that process should not be adapted to human use."

SERVO: We call this process...InstaLifeStop!

Helena takes a readout slip.
HELENA: "I find you sufficiently human, Captain Zantor."

MIKE: Other than the fact that you have fourteen livers and a brain in your armpit.

ZANTOR: "Then you will recommend that we continue our journey to Earth?"
HELENA: "Yes."
ZANTOR: "Your beauty would be greatly enhanced by suspended animation, Doctor."
HELENA: "Thank you."

CROW: That wasn't a compliment.

ZANTOR: "To be perfectly at peace for seventy five years."

MIKE: Ahhh, so these aliens are Teamsters. They do nothing but lie around and rest for decades.

((stands)) "That is the time our computer has calculated it would take us to reach Earth."

-=Helena: "Exactly 75 years?"

SIMMONDS: "Seventy five years?"

MIKE: Yes, that's how long it'll take me to make a friend.

ZANTOR: "The time will pass like a dream. In an instant. Commander, with your approval, we wish to continue our journey. And in order to do that, we must complete the repairs to our ship and leave within twenty of your lunar hours. It is impossible to reprogram the computer from its prime directive."
KOENIG: "Doctor Russell?"
HELENA: "They're medically clear."
ZANTOR: "Should you decide that we can go, there will, of course, be a vacant space on our ship."
SIMMONDS: "So one of us can go home?"
ZANTOR: "The similarities between us are greater than the differences. There is no reason why we should not suspend animation for one of your people."
KOENIG: "Well, thank you, Captain. It's a most generous offer." ((to Helena & Victor)) "Check out the process thoroughly and let me know."

CROW: Try and steal that 'Baby On Board' windshield sticker when their backs are turned.

Cue MST theme

(The Satellite Of Love...Crow is standing in the middle of the room, being watched by Mike and Servo)

MIKE: OK, we're ready, Crow.
CROW: Thank you. (loudly) Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of the character Maya, who appears in today's Space: 1999...
SERVO: What?
MIKE: Crow, she's not-
CROW: Shut up. In honour of her, I shall now demonstrate my own powers of molecular transformation. Behold the mastery of shape-changing that I will heretofore effortlessly display!
SERVO: Now I know where my Encarta program went. You downloaded the dictionary, didn't you?
CROW: Shut up. Behold!

(Flash, bloom of smoke...terribly obvious jump-cut, a la Lost In Space....Crow appears from the smoke exactly the same, but with a fake moustache.)

CROW: Impressed?!
SERVO: In short, no. In long, noooooooooooooooooo.
MIKE: You're exactly the same!
CROW: No, I'm not. I have a moustache!
SERVO: I've seen better feats of illusion on HR Puff N'Stuff.
CROW: Hmmm, I detect an air of cynicism is the crowd!
MIKE: Try an ATMOSPHERE of cynicism. C'mon Crow, if you can't do better than that, we'll go back to our crossword.
CROW (hurt): Very well, unbeliever. Behold!

(Flash, smoke, jump cut...miraculously, Crow emerges from the smoke as Servo!)

MIKE: Wow, that's fantastic, Crow! You look just like Servo!
SERVO: I AM Servo. When that smoke blew up, Crow just hid and pulled me over to where he was.
CROW (under table): Liar.

(whoop whoop)

ALL: Ahhhh, 1999 time!!

Simmonds runs to the Travel Tube door & enters, using Koenig's comlock.

SERVO: Shit, I hope I can get to the roller disco before it shuts.

Speeds off.
KOENIG: "Goodbye."
ZANTOR (they shake hands): "Commander."
Zantor leaves. Koenig walks up to computer & David.
KOENIG: "Kano, I want Computer to make the final choice. One name." ((goes down to Paul)) "Paul."
PAUL: "Commander."
KOENIG: "Begin a countdown."

CROW: OK, 10. that's the beginning of most countdowns.

-=Paul: "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Blastoff!"

Simmonds runs up a corridor and slows, cautiously passing two guards at the doors of the 'Nuclear Power Station'. He moves behind the comms post opposite them, then jumps out to stun one guard,

MIKE: Boo!

then the other as he moves round. He goes to the doors & uses Koenig's comlock.
Koenig sits at his desk, with Helena and Victor.
KOENIG (gesturing with comlock): "Victor. If the Computer chooses you, will you go?"
VICTOR: "I don't know. Maybe I've had enough of Earth and its so called civilization."

CROW: Yeah, I prefer life here, and it's so-called doomladen isolation and massive body count.

KOENIG: "What about you, Helena?"
HELENA: "I don't know. It is a nice idea."
Koenig looks at his comlock. He rushes through into Main >Mission.
KOENIG: "Kano. Simmonds has my comlock!"

MIKE: And he's eaten it ALL up!

-=Kano: "Are you sure he is the one who has it?"
-=Koenig: "Yes!"

Simmonds holds his comlock & laser: he opens the door to the Power Station to reveal a guard passing: he fires & the guard staggers back.

CROW: Urrrrgh! Obviously overlaid-in-post-production yellow cartoon light!
MIKE: Why are all the Security guards so utterly crap at securing stuff?
SERVO: More to the point, why would you need to guard the base's only power station? Do they have lots of people coming in wanting to have radium keg parties or what?

The guard staggers back into the desks, then Simmonds shoots two technicians as they rise from their desks. Simmonds walks down to the remaining technician.
SIMMONDS: "Now. You're going to do exactly as I tell you."

CROW: I want you to tell me who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop!
MIKE: I'd do anything for a guy with a cool hairdo like yours.

-=Technician: "What do you want me to do ---- stand on one Foot and hop while singing 'London Bridge Is Falling Down?"
-=Simmonds: "For starters, then..."

David takes a readout from computer & goes to Koenig.
KOENIG (taking the readout from David): "According to this Simmonds has proceeded from Main Mission to the Maintenance Section, and has just now entered the Power Station.

CROW: He didn't pass Go, or collect $200.

Kano. Deactivate that comlock. And>have Computer program an alternative command comlock for me.

MIKE: Gimme a day-glo orange one, that plays 'La Cuccaracha' every time I push the Red Alert button.

-=Kano: "Okay, but this is the third time this Month, I'm getting a little sick of this!"

KOENIG: Explain to the Computer as best you can.

MIKE: Beat the damn thing up, if you have to.

-=Kano: "So the same as the Past two times?"

Sandra, put me through to the Power Station."

CROW: Why would Koening want to talk to a comedy bar in Auckland?
MIKE: No Kiwi in-jokes, Crow...remember the US readers.

-=Sandra: "The place on Alpha or the One-hit-wonder Rock band from the 80's?"
-=Koenig: "Which do you think?"
-=Sandra: "Well duh..."

KOENIG (on comms post screen): "Simmonds. We have you on visual.

SERVO: And damn, but your hairdo is good. Do you use Timotei?

You can come out peaceably or we'll come and take you out. Your choice."
SIMMONDS (to technician): "Open it. Open it!"

-=Technician: "You mean that thing which says, "DO NOT OPEN!?"
-=Simmonds: "Yes!"

The technician presses a button, then opens a small panel marked 'Do Not Open') to turn a dial. He stands back as the wall unit rises, revealing a recessed panel with flashing signs: 'Danger'.

CROW: I may be being stupid to ask this, but what's the point of having a door on something if you you're not supposed to open it?
MIKE: Oh, that's just a warning for kids, in case they get tempted to fiddle with real nuclear reactors.


CROW: I've gone blind!

KOENIG: "Paul, get security to seal off the Power Station, but no one's to move in until I give the order."
PAUL: "Yes sir."
KOENIG: "Sandra. Let's see what he's up to."

SERVO: Something evil, no doubt, the Machiavellian schemer.

-Big Screen (SFX): Power Station.
SIMMONDS (VO): "Switch it off." ((The technician turns off the alarms)) "And the other." ((the lights stop flashing))

MIKE: Now put on this James Last CD!

KOENIG (on comms post screen): "Simmonds!"
SIMMONDS (VO): "It's too late for talk, Commander."
KOENIG (on comms post screen): "Simmonds. You're trapped."
SIMMONDS (VO): "Really?"
-Main Mission: Koenig.
SIMMONDS (VO): "I know precisely what I'm doing."

CROW: I wish we did.
MIKE: We do. It's the old 'outfox the nasty computerised selection process by holding everyone to ransom with a nuclear control rod' ploy.
SERVO: That's an old ploy?
MIKE: Sure. How do you think Nixon and Reagan both got elected twice?

SIMMONDS: "Open up."

CROW: He wants the technician to open up? Ugh.
SERVO: Nahhh, not literally. I think he just wants the guy to show his feelings more.
MIKE: Awwww, Simmonds is a sensitive new age loonie. That's sweet.

The technician opens the central panel.
KOENIG: "Sandra. Let's see that close up."

MIKE: Extreme close-up!!
ALL: Whooooooooooaaaaaaa!!!

A cylinder is pulled out of a central hole in the panel.

CROW: Can I make a phallic symbol joke?

Lights fade.
PAUL: "Switch to reserve power."
KOENIG (as lights flicker): "Stabilise that back up power."
PAUL: "Trying to, sir."

-=Koenig: "No! There is no try ---- either do or do not! No try!"

CROW: Robert G said it way to top that one. :)

SIMMONDS (holding up cylinder): "Now, listen to me, Koenig. This is my hostage." ((technician starts to escape, but is shot))

SERVO: I'll execute an inanimate nuclear rod every ten minutes until you give in.

Sandra stands.
SIMMONDS (VO): "Koenig. Those men are just stunned."
SIMMONDS: "Now, don't make me kill anyone. No one on Alpha will live for more than thirty minutes without this unit in place."
Lights continue to flicker.
KOENIG (sharply): "Stabilise that power, Paul!"

CROW: Oh hang on. Sorry, Paul, it's just Bergman being a dickhead by
flicking the lightswitch on and off.

-=Koenig: "Use the Force, Paul!"

SIMMONDS (VO): "Now, I go on that ship "
SIMMONDS: " or Moonbase Alpha freezes over. It's up to you."

ALL: Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!

SIMMONDS (VO): "What do you say now?"
PAUL: "Commander. Countdown is T minus twenty eight minutes. Do I continue counting?"

CROW (Sesame Street Counting Count): I do so love to count!

((Koenig looks at Helena & Victor))
KOENIG: "Continue. Simmonds. Put back that unit!

KIME: Or I'll slap you silly, ya big-haired nancy.

KOENIG: "Computer hasn't made the final choice yet."

CROW: The punch cards got soggy when Kano spilled some coffee on them.

-=Koenig: "I'm keeping the decision secret to build the suspense!"

SIMMONDS (VO): "Oh, yes! I know my chances, Koenig. Now, this way I go for sure. It's my decision."

MIKE: What's the bet the computer chose him?
CROW: MIKE!!! Don't spoil the surprise!!!
SERVO: Oh come on, Crow. Everyone in the audience has guessed it's him ages ago.

KOENIG: "You have no right to make that decision!"
SIMMONDS (VO): "I got to being Commissioner by doing what was necessary, "

CROW: Including whining, stamping my feet and holding my breath till I went blue.

SIMMONDS: " not what was right. Now you have fifteen minutes to persuade your alien friends or freeze."

ALL: Freeze! Freeeze! Freeze!

KOENIG (turns away): "Damn it. Hold the countdown. Get Captain Zantor here."
PAUL: "Captain Zantor to Main Mission, please. Captain Zantor to Main Mission."

SERVO (Zantor): I heard you the first time. I heard you the first time.

-=Koenig: "No need to repeat yourself Paul."

((everyone looks at each other))
Paul: "If there's one man Alpha could do without it's Simmonds. I say let him go."
KOENIG: "Any decision we make on this must involve Zantor."
ALAN: "We can't, Commander. We can't let Simmonds jump the Computer."

MIKE: Ugggh! I knew Simmonds was unpopular, but hitting the computer up? That's sick!

SANDRA: "Moonbase systems are running down, Commander. We must decide soon."
ALAN: "Okay. So let Simmonds think he's going, Commander. We can take him on his way out to the ship. Especially with Zantor in the know."
VICTOR: "We can't afford to play games with that convertor."

SERVO: Games? What games can you play with a nuclear rod?
MIKE: Pin the neutron on the donkey...ring a ring a radiation sickness...Postman's Bomb...

HELENA: "It's wrong, John. But you've got to let him go."
Koenig looks at Alan. Zantor enters.
KOENIG: "Captain. Commissioner Simmonds insists on returning to Earth with you. Unless we agree, he'll destroy Alpha."
ZANTOR: "Is he capable of carrying out this threat?"
HELENA: "He is."

CROW: Then, tough bikkies, baby. Later.

ZANTOR: "Then you must accept his terms." ((Koenig goes to Helena & Victor))
VICTOR: "I agree."
ALAN: "It's blackmail!"

MIKE: Well, duhhhh...
CROW: Nice to see that Alan's following along with developments...

PAUL: "Let him go, Commander. We'll be well rid of him."

-=Sandra: "Well rid of him?"

KOENIG: "Simmonds."
-Big Screen (SFX): Simmonds walks up.
SIMMONDS (on Big Screen): "Koenig. Your decision."
-Main Mission:
KOENIG: "We agree." ((to David, so Simmonds can hear)) "Program Commissioner Simmonds restricted access from the Power Station to the spaceship."
DAVID: "Yes, sir."
SIMMONDS: "Guarantees, Koenig."
KOENIG: "My word."
SIMMONDS: "Not enough."

SERVO: I want a helicopter, a bag of Reese's Pieces, and 50c in unmarked notes too.

A pause. Zantor steps forward.
ZANTOR: "Commissioner. You need our cooperation. I will be your hostage."
SIMMONDS: "I accept."

MIKE: Hands up who's getting motion sickness from all these rapid cuts?
(Crow and Servo raise claws)

Koenig, Helena & Victor leave the Travel unit.
KOENIG: "Captain. Here you are, Simmonds, you'll need this."((hands him his comlock)) "Thank you Captain."
ZANTOR: "I understand your position, Commander. The Commissioner is..diseased.

CROW: That'll be from his jumping the computer.
MIKE: Crow!!!
CROW: Sorry.

It is a tragedy that he should succeed through the use of force. My thanks, Commander." ((shakes hands with Koenig))

SERVO: It has been a blast being here. You've killed one of my crew, you squabble like children all the time, and now one of your people is holding me hostage. Earth sounds like a lovely planet.

"Professor." ((shakes hands))
Zantor then goes to Helena & holds her hands. Simmonds indicates with his stun gun that Zantor enter the travel unit. They enter it.
The Kaldorian ship is raised to the surface.

SERVO: First floor, alien lava lamps and insane Commissioners.

Simmonds keeps his laser on Zantor.
ZANTOR: "You may now take your travel position, Commissioner. The rest is automatic."

MIKE: In the event of an emergency, please read the card in the seat
pocket in front of you.

SIMMONDS: "You first."
The aliens sit in and lie down in their cases. Simmonds them sits in his case, still watching them, and lies down. The side of his case slides shut.

MIKE: I wonder if this is where Michael Jackson got his ideas for bedroom furniture from...

Kaldorian ship lifts off.
Kaldorian ship rises.
The Alphans watch.
-Big Screen (SFX): Kaldorian ship rising.
Koenig goes to Helena, smiling.

CROW: Well, that was fun. Care for a Slush Puppy?

Kaldorian ship leaves Moon.

SERVO: Oh good, it's over. Time to go...


SERVO: Oh, nuts.

Simmonds' stirs. He raises his hands & looks at them, then feels his face & beard, pleased.

CROW: All my fine lines and age spots have gone! Thank you, Loreal!

He sits up & is pleased to see the aliens have not woken yet. He takes his comlock.
SIMMONDS: "Hello Earth. Hello, Earth. This is Commissioner Simmonds returning home. After seventy five years!"

MIKE: Yeah right, like they've been waiting three-quarters of a century just for him, and they all know who in hell he is.

Alan & Paul sit at their desks.
SIMMONDS (VO): "Hello, Earth. Earth Control, do you hear me? Come in, Earth. Hello, Earth. Earth?" ((Paul, Alan & Sandra look at each other)) "Earth, can you read me? Hello, Earth."
PAUL (presses button on desk): "Commander."

CROW: Commander, it's time for the traditional downbeat yet thought-provoking denouement.

Koenig, Helena, Bob and Victor study papers on the conference table.
KOENIG: "Yes, Paul?"
PAUL (on comms post): "I'm getting a signal, sir, from the Kaldorian spaceship."
KOENIG: "What kind of a signal?"

MIKE: A smoke signal. A RADIO signal, of course, you moron!

PAUL (on comms post): "From Commissioner Simmonds, sir. He thinks he's approaching Earth."
The 4 hurry through to Main Mission.

CROW: Follow the white brick road, follow the white brick road!

Continuation of above as the big doors open to let them in.
SIMMONDS: "Hello Earth. Can you hear me? Earth? Hello, Earth. Earth, this is Commissioner Simmonds returning home. Can you hear me?"

MIKE (siunging): Hey, Simmonds, how ya doin', sorry ya can't get through. Why doncha leave yo' name, and yo' number, an' we'll git back to you...

KOENIG: "Zantor knew. He must have known."
VICTOR: "No, no. No, evidently Simmonds didn't give him a chance to make a matrix for his computer."

CROW: That's what I love about Victor. He's incerdibly smart, yet completely naive.

SIMMONDS (VO): "Hello, Earth. Earth?"

-=The Main Mission crew begins to chuckle, then as the Phrase laughter is contagious is true, they begin laughing out loud, until you could here the laughter from outside the base!

SIMMONDS: "Earth, can you hear me? What's the matter with everybody?"

CROW: Damn, it must be Labour Day.

((comlock screen shows 'Lunar Time 11:48'))

SERVO (loudly): Roy Dotrice in..."Death Before Lunch"!! A David Tomblin film!

"Uh..It hasn't worked. It hasn't worked. K-Koenig. Koenig. Can you hear me, Koenig?" ((types comlock buttons))
SIMMONDS (VO): "You've got to help me, Koenig. This hasn't worked! You've got to help me! S..send somebody to get me, Koenig. Koenig, help me!"
KOENIG (quietly): "There's nothing we can do."
SIMMONDS: "Koenig. Can you hear me, Koenig?"
SIMMONDS: "ANSWER ME!" (throws comlock at case wall & throws self against perspex)) "Koenig. Zantor! Zantor! ZANTOR! For God's sake, get me out of here! Zantor! Help me! Help me! For God's sake, Zantor!"

CROW: I'm sorry I called you a panty-waisted platform-wearing hippy lamebrain! C'mon, forgive and forget!

-=((and a few #$%!!!))

Koenig, Alan & the others listen.
SIMMONDS( VO): "Help me!"

CROW (The Fly): Heeeeeelllllp meeeeeeee!

SIMMONDS: "SOMEONE! I've gotta get out! I've gotta get out!...For God's sake, help MEEEE..!"
He collapses, exhausted.

MIKE: Phew, fifteen seconds of ineffectual struggling aginst flimsy perspex really takes it outta ya.

Koenig walks up to his desk and sits. Helena follows him.
HELENA: "John. Who did the Computer finally choose?"
KOENIG: "Simmonds." ((he tears up the readout))

CROW: Everyone did, Mike.
SERVO: It's the worst-kept secret since the Roswell Incident.

-=Alan: "I wanted to frame that thing you just tore up!"
-=Paul: "Me too!"

Kaldorian ship flies into space.

MIKE: And so the USS Lava Lamp sped on into deep space, it's quest to find a New Age trinket boutique continuing ever onwards....

(Satellite Of Love...the guys sitting round)
MIKE: So, fellas, what have we learnt from today's film?
CROW: I learnt that being a bastard gets you what you want, but at a terrible price...unless you're in the real world, in which case you usually get away with it scot-free.
MIKE: I learnt that a silly hairdo and a nuclear rod will get you far in life, but only so far.
SERVO: And I learnt to quit while you're ahead...and so it's time for...

Copyright (c) 1999. Reprinted with permission.
Space:1999 is (c) 1976 by Carlton International Media.
All stories are the property of their respective authors.

Database last modified in 2018.

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