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MST3K - There Are No Life Forms on Eagle Six

Authors: Ariana, Jeff Stone, Robert C. Gilbert
Categories: MST3K
Episodes: Set spoof The Beta Cloud
Show Year: Y2
Rating: PG
Date: 2001
A pure Mystery Science Theater version of "There Are No Life Forms On Eagle Six", Ariana's spoof of the episode "The Beta Cloud". With additional material by Robert Gilbert and Jeff Stone.
Average Rating: No reviews.

(The Satellite Of Love...Crow is holding a package)

CROW: Hi folks, and welcome to this very special edition of Mystery Moonbase Alpha 2000. We were planning to have a clip show starring Gary Coleman, but instead we present this pisstake of The Beta Cloud, without a doubt one of the alltime stinkers of Space: 1999. It was done by Ariana and Robert Gilbert, with a wee bit of highly illegal additions and editing by Jeff Stone. Don't ask, don't tell. So anyway, settle back and enjoy...THE BETA CLOUD!!

(opens package...inserts tape into player. It makes a loud CRUNCH noise and videotape spills out of the slot)

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Is Gary still here?

GYPSY (VO): Sorry, he left an hour ago. Said something about getting a better offer to sell rug cleaner on the Shopping Network.

CROW: Damn. Oh well, bear with me, readers...

(he frantically stuffs the tape back in the slot...the screen lights up.)

(WHOOP WHOOP)

CROW: Ahhhhh, special edition of 1999 time!!!

There Are No Life Forms On Eagle Six
an alternative view of The Beta Cloud
by Ariana

"Space:1999" (c) ITC/Polygram 2001
This parody (c) Ariana and Robert Gilbert 2001
Executive Producer: Jeff Stone Additions (c) Stoatworld Prod. 2001


The Beta Cloud

CROW: Brought to you in association with Microsoft. Actual release date for the Cloud to be determined.

Screenplay Charles Woodgrove (Fred Freiberger)

MIKE: The crap producer formerly known as Charles Woodgrove, if you like.

Director Robert Lynn
Final shooting script 11th June 1976
Double Up Helena script

SERVO: Doubled up with laughter, no doubt...

Cast:
Cloud Voice
Creature Dave Prowse
Space Animals Albin Pahernik

MIKE: Poor Albin. I wonder if he made much of a career playing "space

animals" all the time.

Int. Corridor by Hyrdoponics

CROW: Or rather Hrydopnoics, er, Hydrpoonisc, um, well that thing, anyway...

Hook

SERVO: Line and sinker. Here we go, folks!

EXT. SPACE (SFX)
A faint nebula. A fire cloud explodes silently into being.

SERVO: Considering this is all happening in space, it would be awfully strange if it exploded noisily into being. OTOH, this is science fiction...

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

KOENIG: "What is it?"
MAYA: "I'm trying to get a reading, Commander."

CROW: Now is not the time to consult a medium, Maya.

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

MIKE: Hmmmm. I'd say it's a cloud.
CROW: A Beta cloud, in fact. The store was out of VHS ones.

-Command Centre:
KOENIG: "What about it's range?"
SANDRA: "Constant."
KOENIG: "It looks to me like it's closing."
SANDRA: "It isn't, Commander, it's range is constant."

CROW: Doesn't anyone listen to me?!

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

MIKE: Yep. I'm still here.
SERVO: Yup, this is a sexy cloud you see here, baby! Check out mah gas!

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Tony watches Koenig.

SERVO: He's going to flip. I just know it.

KOENIG: "Maya, what about it's composition?"

CROW: I'd give it a B- for style, but a D for originality.

MAYA: "Hydrogen. Nitrogen, mainly."
KOENIG: "Mainly?"
MAYA: "Certain elements unidentifiable." (Koenig looks confused)

SERVO: Uh-Oh. John is definitely going to flip.

INT. CORRIDOR

The man leaves Johnson & goes to the comms post.
HELENA (on screen): "Medical."
MAN: "I need help."

MIKE: Eek! It's Freddie Mercury!

INT. MEDICAL

Much activity.

CROW: And not much light.

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

SERVO: Still here. All the time in the world...

-Command Centre:
KOENIG: "Nothing more substantial on the sensor? All gaseous, nothing solid?"

CROW: Yes. Nothing but hot air.
SERVO: No, he means the cloud!

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Koenig watches.
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Koenig starts to sway & Tony goes to him.

SERVO: I knew it, damn it, I knew this was going to happen!

HELENA (on screen): "John. People are passing out all over the base."

MIKE: Geez, this happens every time we have a cost-cutting 'airless day'.

KOENIG: "Helena. We think we know the source." (he falls back into Tony's arms)
TONY: "Give me a hand, someone."

ALL (applause)
CROW: He's heavy!
SERVO: No he's not. He's your brother.

HELENA (on screen): "John."
KOENIG: "It's the cloud, Helena. It's the cloud."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CROW: Why's everyone blaming me? I'm just sitting here!

-Command Centre: they take him to sit at his desk.

MIKE: Now sit there and do some work for a change!

TONY: "Take it easy, John."

CROW: I can't run this place on my own!

FADE OUT

ACT ONE

lighting cameraman Frank Watts BSC

CROW: Nice name for a lighting man.
SERVO: Jeff Stone made the same joke many months after this was written.

The beds are filled with men; a nurse tends them.

MIKE: Meanwhile, the women are in the Solarium being massaged by Ben Vincent.
SERVO: Lucky bastard....

HELENA (VO): "Fifteen hundred and three days after leaving Earth orbit."

CROW: Or, um, something like that. I lost count years ago.

"Doctor Helena Russell recording. Seven days ago a cloud having strange characteristics and containing unknown elements appeared in our East Quadrant."

MIKE: We're just praying it doesn't turn out to be the Bajoran wormhole.

HELENA (VO): "Suddenly lassitude, depression and loss of will have incapacitated most of our personnel."

SERVO: In fact, they seem relatively unaffected.
CROW: We call it the Leonard Cohen Effect.

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

MIKE: Still waiting for something to happen...

SANDRA: "Tony." (he walks to her)

CROW: Yes, mistress?

TONY: "Put it on the screen."

CROW: Ooh, Tony, do you really want us to do this here?

-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle passing nebula (sc 5)
SANDRA (VO): "Eagle Six!"
TONY (VO): "That's impossible."

SERVO: Eagle Six doesn't exist!!
MIKE: Eagles only ever make it back intact if they have me or Koenig on them!

-Command Centre:
TONY: "Eagle Six, this is Moonbase Alpha. Do you read me?"
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle (continuation of previous shot).
-Command Centre:
TONY: "Oh come on, Graham, wake up, answer me. Eagle Six. this is Moonbase Alpha. Come in, Eagle Six."

CROW: Come in, Eagle Six. Your time's up.

7.EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Eagle rises over Alpha (not descends).

MIKE: A little note to make sure the effects team don't play the film the wrong way around.

8.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

MAYA: "Tony. Sensors pick up no life forms on Eagle Six."
TONY: "What?"
MAYA: "There is no life on board Eagle Six."

SERVO: The party scene there is just dead, man.
CROW: No life? What about Graham?
MIKE: There is no life on Eagle Six.
CROW: What, not even his co-pilot?
MIKE: No. There's no life on Eagle Six.
SERVO: Not even some kind of space animal?
MIKE: There is no life on Eagle Six, Tony! Eagle Six has no life forms on it. Nothing is alive on Eagle Six. Not Graham, not a space animal, nothing. There is no life on Eagle Six!!!
CROW: Ah, okay. I get you.
SERVO (Holly): Everybody's dead, Dave.

Tony goes to his desk.

MIKE: I have a feeling this isn't going to be my day.

9.INT. MEDICAL

Helena tends to Koenig. She then goes to the comms post.
HELENA: "Yes, Tony."
TONY (on screen): "Helena. Let me talk to John."

SERVO: Help! I can't handle this!

HELENA: "He's in no condition to talk."

MIKE: His toupee's slipped down into his mouth.

TONY (on screen): "Helena. Eagle Six is right over our heads."
HELENA: "That's great."
TONY (on screen): "Negative. It exhausted it's fuel two days ago, and Maya's sensors pick up no life forms."

MIKE: And, Helena, just make a note of that -- NO LIFE FORMS ON EAGLE SIX. There was some confusion about that earlier.

HELENA: "I'll try." (goes to Koenig) "John. John." (she touches him, but he is asleep. She returns) "It's no use."
TONY (on screen): "Helena, I've got to talk to him."

CROW: He forgot to give me the BIOS password for the computer! All the lights have gone out!

HELENA: "Well, if you talked to him he wouldn't be listening."

CROW: What else is new? Let me talk to him!
SERVO: Saddam Hussein's more open to suggestions than Koenig.
CROW: Ever notice how Saddam looks like Magnum PI crossed with Josef Stalin? Just thought I'd throw that in there...
MIKE: Thank you, Crow.

10.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

SANDRA: "Tony. Eagle Six is landing."
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle lands. (sc 11)
-Command Centre: Tony presses a button on his desk (sc 12)
VOICE OVER: "Security."

SERVO: Thank you for calling the Alphan Security section. How can I help you?
MIKE: If you are being mauled by this week's slavering alien death machine, please drape a handy body part on Button 2.

19.INT. EAGLE PASSENGER SECTION

CROW: 19?!! Hang on, the last scene was 10!
MIKE: Scenes 11 through 18 were suppressed by the CIA.

Dark. Tony goes to the desk & looks to the stern.
TONY: "Graham!"
The creature appears in the cockpit corridor. It advances.

CROW: Nope. Try again, pal.

FRASER: "What is it?"
TONY: "I don't know. But whatever it is, it brought our Eagle back."

MIKE: One thing's for sure, it isn't a life-form.
SERVO: Huh?
MIKE: What Maya said, about there being no life-forms on board."
SERVO (vaguely): Oh yeah, whatever.
CROW: It isn't alive, it's ugly...hmmm, must be Strom Thurmond.

The guard fires a blue laser beam at it. He fires again (unseen). The creature grabs & shakes the guard. Tony runs up but is knocked back. The guard is shaken up & down, then dropped.
TONY: "Run."

SERVO: Run away! Run away!
MIKE: Another triumph for Alpha Security!!

23.INT. TRAVEL UNIT

They catch their breath. Tony uses the screen panel.
TONY: "Maya."

CROW: There's something I need to tell you before this thing catches up with me!
SERVO: He has a undescended testicle?
CROW & MIKE: SERVO!!!

24.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

TONY (on screen): "Tell Security I want them at the Travel Tube armed with heavy rocket guns. On the double." (she nods to them; the guards leave)

MIKE: Er, sir, we don't HAVE heavy rocket guns. You just made them up to sound tough.

23.INT. TRAVEL UNIT

MAYA (on screen): "Tony. Are you alright?"
TONY: "Yeah. For the moment."

CROW: And don't forget to remind me there's something I've got to tell you!

28.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

MAYA: "What did you find?"
SANDRA: "Maya, the cloud. There's new activity."
MAYA: "What's it range?"
SANDRA: "Still twenty two thousand."

SERVO: Twenty-two thousand what? Kilometres? Miles? Feet? Inches? Picas?
MIKE (squeaky): Pica chew!!
CROW (singing, Moody Blues): 22,000 days!!! 22,000 nights!! It's not a lot, it's all we've got!!!

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud (sc 27)

MIKE(whistles innocently): Just sittin' here mindin' my own business...
SERVO: The cloud has nothing to do with it. There's a big-ass cloaked battle cruiser sitting ten metres from the base!

MAYA (VO): "I'm getting some readings."
-Command Centre: Sandra rises & backs to Maya.

CROW: Oh no, I'm getting that terrible feeling the Big Screen is going to attack me!

SANDRA: "Do you think what the Commander says is true? That it's the cloud that's causing all this?"
MAYA: "Well, it's a strong possibility."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

SERVO: Nah. Not me. I'm just an innocent little cloud.
CROW: It's always the same. Your dinner's cold, your alarm clock doesn't go off, you get given triple shifts...and what do you do? You blame the cloud.

MAYA (VO): "There's something in that cloud that's emitting high frequency impulses."
-Command Centre:
MAYA: "My scanners are picking up a mass of some kind."
SANDRA: "You mean there's a planet or an asteroid hidden in there?"
MAYA: "Well, sensors can't define specifically, but there's something in there beyond just gas vapour."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

SERVO: Damn. They've found out my secret. Now I have to kill them!

MIKE: Maybe it's V'GER...

29.INT. CORRIDOR

Tony & Fraser emerge from the Travel Unit where the two guards wait.
TONY: "Anything comes out of that tunnel, fire those rockets without hesitation."
GUARD: "Right."

MIKE: If anything hesitates firing rockets, we're to come out of the tunnel.
CROW: Um, no. If anything comes out of that tunnel, fire the rockets.
MIKE: Right. Sir. What if, um... what if a...
CROW (patiently): Yes?
MIKE: What if one of us goes into the tunnel and then comes out? Do we both fire our rockets?
CROW: No. Neither of you is going into the tunnel. When the monster comes out of the tunnel, you shoot it. Understood?
MIKE: Oh, right. You should have said so earlier.
CROW: OK. Everything clear?
MIKE: Absolutely, Mr Verdeschi. Shoot the monster when it comes out. Absolutely clear as day. No problems. Er, sir... Just one more question...
CROW (sighs): Now what?
MIKE: What monster? I thought there were no life forms on Eagle Six.

32.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Tony & Fraser enter.
MAYA: "Give me a fix on it's position."

CROW (singing, Beatles) Cos I'm going doooooownnnn...

CLOUD (VO): "Our relative positions "
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
CLOUD (VO): " are of little consequence."
-Command Centre: reaction.

MIKE(chuckles): Heh Heh. I definitely got them by surprise with that one!

TONY: "Who are you?"
CLOUD (VO): "Who we are is too complicated for your comprehension."
TONY: "Try me."

SERVO: As a side dish with fish or Salisbury steak.

CLOUD (VO): "Time does not permit."

CROW: I gotta hair appointment at 3.

FRASER: "We've got time. A lot of it."

MIKE: Why do you think we're wasting it with this inane dialogue?

CLOUD (VO): "You are in error."
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "You have very little time."
-Command Centre:
TONY: "What do you want?"
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "Your life support system."
-Command Centre:
TONY: "You mean we just give it to you?"

SERVO: Yup. That's the general idea. You puny humans are so inferior you've probably forgotten there were no life forms on that Eagle.

CLOUD (VO): "We have sent for it."
MAYA: "We can't exist without it."
CLOUD (VO): "Neither can we. So we must deprive you of yours."
SANDRA: "Tony. Travel Tube."

CROW: Sahn, this isn't the time for... oh, I see.
SERVO: Why'd they change her name to Sahn, anyway?
MIKE: It's short for Sahn-dra.

-Big Screen (SFX): Travel Tube door being forced. (sc 33)
CLOUD (VO): "I will return your screens for you to observe."
-Command Centre: reaction.
-Big Screen (SFX): creature tears open doors.
-Command Centre: Sandra stands & backs.

CROW (screaming): The Big Screen is going to attack me! The Big Screen is going to attack me!

34.INT. CORRIDOR

Creature opens doors & walks out.
TONY (VO): "Fire!"

SERVO: Where? Where? Oh, at the monster.

They fire their guns: flames hit the creature.

36.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Sandra backs to Tony.

CROW: Uh, not now, Sahn.

INT. CORRIDOR

Guards run up to creature & are thrown off (camera rolls as they roll)

MIKE: The rule on Alpha is evidently: If rocket guns don't work first off, throw them away and try your bare fists.

38.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

TONY: "Okay, the two of you, get down to Medical Centre."
MAYA: "But Tony.."

CROW: I can turn into creatures twice my size and three times my strength and probably kick that thing's ass halfway to Pluto...

TONY: "Don't argue with me, go on."

SERVO: "Bill and I are going to beat the monster with our bare fists. You go and make some coffee for us, like a good little woman."
CROW (Cartman): If mah woman was trying to defeat the monster, I'd be like: "Ehhh! Get back in the kitchen and make me some pah!!"

MAYA: "I want to stay with you."

MIKE: You always get beaten up when I'm not around!

TONY: "Maya, if you want to help me, get the hell out of here. Now move, both of you."

CROW: Don't forget -- I'll have a double espresso, extra strong. And would it kill you to put some chocolate shavings on top?

INT. CORRIDOR

Guard jumps onto creature & thrown back.

MIKE: I don't understand this. My bare fists aren't working!
SERVO: Hell, if a monster was rampaging through my base, I'd break out the 40mm chain guns and go on a bug hunt.

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Reaction.
Big Screen (SFX): creature bear hugs guard. (sc 39)
Command Centre: (sc 40)
FRASER: "We've got to help them."

MIKE: No we don't. We're in charge now. We can just stand here and let other people do things.
CROW: The art of delegation is in letting the employees get disembowelled.

TONY: "Hold it."
FRASER: "We've got to do something to save them."
TONY: "We're going to do something." (presses button on desk)
HELENA (VO): "Medical Centre."
TONY: "Helena. Urgent. Let me know as soon as Maya and Sahn get to you."
HELENA (VO): "Right."

CROW: Make sure they took the coffee machine with them. Bill and I will be down in a minute. Then we'll all barricade ourselves in there and wait until the creature goes away.
SERVO: Night Of The Non-Living But Apparently Alive Dead Thing.

Big Screen (SFX): creature crushes man (sc 41)
Command Centre: (sc 42)
HELENA (VO): "Tony."
TONY: "Yeah."
HELENA: "Maya and Sahn are here."
TONY: "Okay." (cuts link & goes to computer) "Computer. Priority One. As of this moment all doors are nonoperational. Repeat, all doors to remain locked, to be opened only at my voice command."

SERVO: And let us know when the monster's gone.

Big Screen (SFX): cloud. (sc 43)
CLOUD VOICE (VO): "Your efforts are futile."

CROW: You will be assimilated. And other catchphrases ripped off Dr Who that Star Trek claims it invented.
MIKE: Star Trek was a total flop during its three year run. Dr Who ran for 26 years and was insanely popular for the whole 700-episode run. And yet Freddie took Trek as his model.

Command Centre: Tony & Fraser go to the doors.
TONY: "Open as ordered." (doors open to reveal creature advancing) "Close!"

They run back through Command Centre & out through the arch. The creature tears open the doors & enters (weird swaying camera angles from desk level)

MIKE: Oooh, groovy, man!
CROW: Quick, throw in one inventive camera angle and try and fool the viewers into thinking it's still Season One!!

CLOUD VOICE (VO): "You are in Command Centre."

SERVO: Top the class, brainiac. Your point?

-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD VOICE (VO): "The Life Support system is not in that location."
-Command Centre: creature plods back out the doors.

CROW: Next time I go foraging for life support systems, I'll buy myself a proper monster! Twiki, perhaps, or an Ewok.

45.INT. CORRIDOR

Tony & Fraser stop.
TONY: "We split up here."
FRASER: "What about Life Support?"
TONY: "He'll head for there."
FRASER: "And if he reaches it, we're finished."

SERVO: How much more of this crap dialog do we have to go through?

TONY: "I'll decoy it, you get to Life Support, set up a defence."
FRASER: "Right."

MIKE (mutters): Yeah, right. I'll lie in wait for it and trip it up with my foot...

46.INT. MEDICAL

Koenig tries to rise from his bed.
HELENA: "No, John, it's not a good idea. John, I don't think you've got the strength."
KOENIG: "Sure I do." (Alan also gets up, looking groggy)
MAYA: "Tony ordered me away, you've got to get him to let me help him."

SERVO: He doesn't seem to understand that I'm the only one who can ever help him! It's that Italian macho thing again!
CROW: Given the fact that the Italians lost every single battle they fought in during WW2, I wouldn't put too much stock in that myth...

HELENA: "If you want to help him, let him do it his way."

CROW: Yeah, right. Who is he? Frank Sinatra?
MIKE: Ol' Crap Beer is back!

47.INT. TECHLAB 5

Tony types on the control panel by the reactor door. He answers his comlock.
TONY: "Yes, Alan?"
ALAN (VO): "Tony, what's the situation?"
TONY: "Desperate."
ALAN: "What can we do to help?"
TONY: "Just keep everybody out of the way."

MIKE: I think I just pressed the wrong button...SELF DESTRUCT isn't the right control to hit if you want to open the vacuum chamber, is it?

48.INT. MEDICAL

ALAN: "Where are you?"
TONY (VO): "I'm in Techlab Five. I'm trying to get it into the vacuum chamber."

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Creature forces open Command Centre doors (reprise)

SERVO: Door Opening (Slight Return) by Jimi Hendrix.
MIKE: Dammit! I told you their Life Support System wasn't in there!

49.INT. TECHLAB 5

Tony reacts to the sound of the small explosion & looks to the door.
TONY: "Oh, oh, I've got trouble."
ALAN (VO): "Hey, Tony, don't take any chances."
TONY: "If this works maybe I won't have to take any more chances." (cuts link)

CROW: Just call me Bruce...

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)
50.INT. MEDICAL

MAYA: "What's happening?" (takes Alan's comlock) "Tony. Tony, answer me."
ALAN: "Maya. Maya, he shouldn't have to worry about you right now."
MAYA: "It's just that he's out there on his own."

SERVO: I mean, who does he think he is? Rambo?
MIKE: Dumbo, more like.

ALAN: "Yeah, I know, but if he can decoy that thing into the vacuum chamber.."
SANDRA: "Nothing can live in a vacuum."

MIKE: Um, even things that don't show up as life forms on the sensors... er, probably.

MAYA: "And if the creature doesn't walk into the trap?"
ALAN: "Well, then you will have to help him."

SERVO: I could have told you that three hours ago!
MIKE: Look, honey, you're in this show to provide the sex appeal Barbara Bain DEFINITELY isn't supplying, to look demure, and to change into Albin Pahernik once an ep. That's it!

53.INT. TECHLAB 5

Heavy footsteps are heard. Tony opens the reactor door. The creature passes the room. Tony fires a blue laser beam at it. It enters & follows him into the chamber. Tony fires past it to explode something on the table in the room beyond. The creature is distracted, & he dashes past it & out. The creature tries to follow him as the door closes, but Tony fires [*throws*] a red extinguisher cylinder at it. The door closes & Tony presses switches.

CROW (looking at the door thoughtfully): Wait a min... Did that monster just say what I think he said?!?

56.INT. MEDICAL

HELENA (to Sandra): "Now don't be frightened to use this, the dosages are computer coded."

SERVO: I'm not frightened to use this thing. The only thing I'm afraid of is the Big Screen in Command Centre.

INT. TECHLAB 5

TONY: "Helena, let me talk to John."

MIKE: I'm sorry, but Commander Koenig isn't available at this time. He's currently appearing in the X Files movie for eight times his total Season 2 salary. Please call back later or leave a message after the tone.

INT. MEDICAL

HELENA: "He's under sedation. I'm sorry, Tony."
TONY (VO): "Oh."

SERVO: But I need him to tell me what to dooooooo!!

57.INT. TECHLAB 5

TONY: "Nothing to be sorry about. Let me talk to Alan."

CROW: Just give me any *man* who can help me!
SERVO: Ooooh, behaaaave, baby yeah!

58.INT. MEDICAL

Helena drops her comlock & slumps on her desk.

INT. TECHLAB 5

TONY: "Helena. Helena, "

SERVO: Damn women! Always fainting when there's a man's work to be done. Er, which they don't do anyway, cos it's men's work. Oh, I wish I was dead.

58.INT. MEDICAL

Sandra & Alan help Helena.
TONY (VO): " you alright?"
ALAN: "Tony. She's fainted."
SANDRA: "Help me."
HELENA: "I'll be alright. I'll be alright."
ALAN (with Sandra helping her to a bed): "Got you up. Come back here."
HELENA: "I think I'll be alright."
SANDRA: "She has the sickness, Alan."

CROW: Cool! It's The Stand! Let's hope the virus kills the whole crew and then they can reboot the series.
MIKE "Series has performed a truly embarrassing episode. Please close Windows and recast Bruce Boxleitner as Koenig."

ALAN: "Take care of her."

SERVO: She has the sickness -- it might be contagious! You take care of her!

(returns to take comlock) "Tony. You want to talk."

MIKE: Yeah, I've got this thing I need to tell Maya...

59.INT. TECHLAB 5

TONY: "Yeah. It's in the vacuum chamber, Alan. Everything's under control."

CROW: I couldn't just tell Helena that half an hour ago because she's only a woman. Besides, we needed more dialogue.

Tony cuts the link & uses the chamber controls. He then opens the reactor door. The creature emerges, & throws Tony against the computer.

SERVO (as he hits the computer): Ungh! What was it Maya said about that Eagle?

INT. MEDICAL

Maya watches.
-Comms post screen (colour): creature and Tony.
ALAN (VO): "You've got to help him, Maya."

CROW: Well, duh. At least one of these macho idiots has some sense!
MIKE: The crew at Chernobyl were more competent than these boobs.

SANDRA (VO): "But we can't release the doors."
Favour Maya.
ALAN (VO): "No, Maya doesn't need the doors."
Close on Maya's eyes. A mouse appears.

MIKE: Aaaargh! I'm inside a woman's skull!! Help me!!

Alan picks up the mouse from the top of the temperature gauge & puts it in the ventilator grille.

SERVO: The mouse looks into the ventilation hole and says "hell no, I'm not going in there!"... until an unseen technician yanks it in.

He then staggers weakly backwards into Sandra & puts his arm round her.

SERVO: You know, I've always liked you Sahn...

61.INT. VENTILATION DUCT

Mouse scurries along duct.

CROW: Where's that Tui beer?
MIKE: No Kiwi injokes! Our audience are Americans, and they drink beer that DOESN'T taste like squeezings from a sweatsock.

61.INT. CORRIDOR

Tony falls backwards into corridor & fires a blue laser at the creature as it emerges after him.

CROW: Damn. I need an upgrade to a red laser.

INT. CORRIDOR

POV through grille (low angle up). Tony rises against the opposite wall as the creature approaches. It throws Tony against the near wall & moves after him, but he darts past it back to the other wall.
Mouse: it merges to become Maya.
As the creature moves up Tony darts to the opposite wall.
TONY: "Maya, get out of here!"

SERVO: And where's my coffee?

The creature picks up Tony & bear hugs him.

MIKE: Can't you see I'm trying to tell you I love you?

Maya closes her eyes concentrating.

CROW: OK, five times five is 34...no, hang on...

Flash shot: creature in Eagle corridor.
Maya concentrates.
Flash shot: creature in Eagle.
Maya.
Flash: creature.
Maya.

MIKE: Stop flashing!! You'll have the epileptic viewers in fits!

Flash: creature.
Maya opens her eyes.

CROW: Now that's strange... I can change into any life form. Oh well. Oh, that's right...there was no life on Eagle Six.

Creature hugs Tony.

SERVO: Cool flares, man!
(whoop whoop)
CROW & MIKE: Flares joke alert!!
MIKE: As penance, you must now watch all three Shaft movies AND the very shortlived TV series.

Maya transforms into beetle-animal & jumps on creature.

SERVO: Meet the Beetles!!

It drops Tony & spins, throwing Maya off. She jumps back on it. Tony watches. The creature picks up Maya. Tony takes a fire point hose & fires carbon dioxide at it.
It drops Maya & advances on Tony.

TONY: "Run, Maya!"

CROW: See Maya run. Run, Maya, run.

Tony darts off while the creature advances to the nozzle & swipes at it; the nozzle breaks off & a burst of gas blows it off it's feet. Maya, by Tony, returns to her own form. They leave.

Tony & Maya run along the corridor. (sc 62)

SERVO: Tony and Maya in: The Defiant Cretins.

They run up to the Medical Centre door. (sc 64)
TONY: "Open." (they enter) "Close." (the door closes)

CROW: Hey, this is kinda cool! I have ultimate power over doors! Buahahahaha!

65.INT. MEDICAL

Alan stumbles to Tony.
TONY: "Hey, you'd better get off your feet."

ALAN: "I'm alright, alright. Oh- maybe I'll think better sitting down." (sits at Helena's desk)
TONY: "Hey, how's John?"
SANDRA: "Still under sedation. You said everything was under control."
TONY: "Yeah. Well I was a little premature."
ALAN: "What, is that creature still on the loose?"
TONY: "Uh huh."

SERVO: Now my plan is that we all stay here and wait for it to go away...geez, problems are hard. They make my head thingie ache.

MAYA (still breathless): "Lasers don't stop it, and lack of oxygen doesn't affect it."

CROW: You'd think there hadn't been any life forms on Eagle Six!

SANDRA: "Even if we had something which might be effective, how could we apply it?"
HELENA (in bed): "High pressure injector gun. Loaded with ionethermyecin. It's the most powerful stuff we have, it's..too powerful for humans."

MIKE: We just keep it here in case we come across any passing rhinoceroses.

TONY: "Yeah, well human this thing ain't."

CROW: Maya looks puzzled and tries to remember what the hell her sensors were saying at the beginning of the episode. But there seem to be plot holes in her memory.

INT. CORRIDOR

Creature advances, passing door (actually Weapons Section)

65.INT. MEDICAL

Tony loads gun.
HELENA: "Right. It's simple to use. Just place it against the body..and push the button."
TONY: "Okay."

SERVO: I think even I could have worked that one out.
CROW: You never can tell with these guys. Remember, Sandra is an astronaut who gets airsick, so they'll take anyone these days.

HELENA: "You're going to have to take over in here. I just can't make it."
SANDRA: "What do I do?"
HELENA: "Tyomoxin tablets. Give them to everybody that can swallow them. You alright?"
She nods & smiles. Favour Maya & Tony.
MAYA: "Tony, this might not work on that creature."

SERVO: Tony, can you remember what I told you earlier? About the sensors and Eagle Six...I think it was something important, but I can't remember it!
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO (sighs): Oh, why do I bother asking you?

TONY: "It's got to work. Something's got to work."

CROW: I've got a contract for another dozen episodes! They can't kill me off now!

MAYA: "How are we going to get close enough to use it?"
TONY: "I don't know. We've just got to."

SERVO: Yeah, and here's betting I'm the one who has to transform into something to do it!
MIKE: Season 2 was written backwards. They wrote a coupla transformation scenes per ep and then wrapped a generic plot round them.

SANDRA (joining them): "She's sleeping now."
TONY (goes to comms post): "See if we can find it."
Favour comms post screen. Two corridors appear. Then a third with creature.

MAYA (VO): "It's heading for Life Support Centre."

CROW: Gee, there's a shock.
SERVO: Wasn't that what it was supposed to be doing all along?
MIKE: Yes, but it had to stop off for a Ho-Ho.

They react.
TONY: "Yeah, let's go."
ALAN: "Tony, I'm going with you." (but falters as tries to reach them)
TONY: "That's all I need, buddy. You passing out on me." (sits him by Sandra & starts out)

SERVO: Besides, I don't want you to show me up in front of Maya.

SANDRA: "Tony!"

MIKE: Hands off, you cow, he's mine.

TONY: "I'll be okay. Open." (leaves)

MIKE: Oh boy. Two women after me. I'll have to fight monsters more often!

68.INT. CORRIDOR

They leave Medical.
TONY: "Close."
MAYA: "Tony. It'll get to Life Support before we will."
TONY: "Maybe. In here." (they go to Weapons Section) "Open."

67.INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "Close." (they go to the screen) "There it is."
Tony presses a button: klaxons start.

CROW: Somebody help me!

69.INT. MEDICAL

Alan sits up in bed, alarmed. Sandra is by him.
ALAN: "What was that?"

SERVO: Oh yes, Alan. The Earth moved for me, too!
CROW: Alan sits up in bed and says 'What was that?' a lot.

68.INT. CORRIDOR

Creature stops.

70.INT. WEAPONS SECTION

MAYA: "It's confused."
TONY: "Yeah. Let's see how really confused we can get it." (hits button) "Creature!"

CROW: Explain the plot of Naked Lunch in ten words or less!

71.INT. CORRIDOR

TONY (on comms post): "You, Creature!" (creature hits post) "Creature!" (it turns to another post) "Here I am." (goes to it) "I'm over here."

CROW: Aargh! Black and white televisions!

72.INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "He's falling for it."

CROW: That cloud should seriously ask for a refund on that monster.

MAYA: "The Hydroponics Experimental Section. Lead it there. We can fill it with chlorine."
TONY: "Okay. ...

SERVO: Anything you say, honey!
MIKE: Shhhh, don't spoil it. This is the ep when Tony finally reveals what we've all known for, oh, 15-odd eps...

Open." (she leaves) "Close. Creature!"

CROW: Tony engages in gratuitous observation of Maya's back view as she goes out.

74.INT. CORRIDOR

TONY (on post): "Here I am! I'm over here!" (creature goes to post & hits screen) "Here I am! I'm over here!" (creature approaches other post)

MIKE: 1999's equivalent of the 'Where's Tinky-Winky' game.

75.INT. WEAPONS SECTION

Tony answers his comlock.
MAYA (VO): "Tony."

INT. CORRIDOR

By Hydroponic.
MAYA: "I'm at Hydroponic. Can you open the door?"

SERVO: I need to water my cannibis plants.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "Computer. Open door to Hydroponic Section."

MIKE: This is seriously cool. I think I'll leave it like this when we've got rid of the monster! I could track everyone's movements!

76.INT. MEDICAL

Alan goes to the post. Tony appears on it.
TONY: "Alan."
ALAN: "The red alert."
TONY (on screen): "It's a ploy to confuse the creature."

CROW: It's also a ploy to waste some time.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "We're going to try to get it into Hydroponic Experimental Section, hit it with chlorine."

MIKE: Oh, and add some of that chemical that makes pee go blue.

ALAN (VO): "Well, Tony, isn't there anybody else to help you?"
TONY: "Only Fraser."

CROW: Maya doesn't count. Being a useless chick and all.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "Right." (cuts klaxon & takes rifle) "Open." (leaves out door) "Close."

INT. CORRIDOR

Tony runs into Reception & the Travel unit door.
TONY: "Open." (enters) "Close."

MIKE: Is this an ep of 1999, or Sesame Street?
CROW: Near! Far! Near! Far!

INT. TRAVEL TUBE (SFX)

Travel unit speeds off.
Travel Unit speeds on.

CROW: Zzzzzzzzz...
SERVO: There's a bomb on the Travel Tube! If it goes over 50, it'll blow. Lucky these babies only go at 2 kph, then.

creature continues to advance. They run off.

SERVO: Run away! Run away!
CROW: Execute a strategic withdrawal...either that, or run like f**k.

INT. CORRIDOR

Fraser secures the centre of the crossed cables with red tape. He then aims his comlock at the cables.
FRASER: "What do you think?"

CROW: It looks awful.

SERVO: Well, you did a good job, but you cabled up the wrong corridor. The monster's already at Life Support.

95.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Tony & Maya enter.
TONY: "Alan. It didn't work."

CROW: What else is new?
SERVO: Broadband Internet? That's fairly new.
MIKE: Servo!

96.INT. MEDICAL

ALAN (with Sandra, watching Tony on medical monitor): "Where is it now?"
TONY (on screen): "Hunting for our life support system, I guess. And it won't take him long to find it."

SERVO: He's just cottoned on to the fact it's the place with "Life Support" written on it.
MIKE: Maybe they oughta break out the spacesuits just in case...
CROW: Nahhhh, that'd be intelligent.

ALAN: "Tony. Go to the Life Support. But be very careful. Fraser is setting up an electrical barrier."

CROW: And you know how bad he is with electrical gear. He defibrillated himself with a 9 volt Eveready the other day.

TONY (on screen): "Okay."

97.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Tony & Maya start to leave, but Tony pauses.
TONY: "Maya. There is one way we can get on an equal footing with that creature."

CROW: We buy a controlling share in it's corporation.
SERVO: Flesheatercorp?

"You become one."
MAYA: "I've tried, Tony."

SERVO: I came up with that idea hours ago!
CROW: Doesn't matter. Moonbase rules dictate that any plan originated by a woman has to be sent to a select committee for vetting and debate before being passed to the Upper House for approval. You know how flibberty gibbert these chicks are...why we ever gave them the vote, I dunno...
MIKE: Crow is employing irony, folks, just in case any Americans are reading this. It took South Park to convince them it even existed.

TONY: "But it's a life form. You can change into any life form."
MAYA: "Not this one, for some reason its molecular structure eludes us."

SERVO: Could it have anything to do with the fact you didn't detect any life forms on Eagle Six?
MIKE: Maya stares at him, surprised he has actually had an original thought. Tony also looks thoughtful. They look at each other.

ALL: Nah!!!!

CLOUD (VO): "Why does your species resist "
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud (sc 98)
CLOUD (VO): " the inevitable? Can't we convince you that we don't want to "
-Command Centre (sc 99)
CLOUD (VO): " inflict pain?"

CROW: Awww, the Beta Cloud aliens are caring murderers. You just don't get that Olde Worlde charm with your modern killers.

TONY: "Yeah, I know. You're gonna kill us with kindness."
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "Sarcasm in your present circumstances is hardly a defence."

MIKE: Dinsdale Piranha got a long way with it....
CAPTION: MONTY PYTHON INJOKE ALERT
SERVO (as cloud): I'm not going to let some twerp with lapels the size of Concorde get in my way!

-Command Centre:
CLOUD (VO): "Accept your fate."
TONY: "Come on, Maya." (they run out)

MIKE: Light my fire?
CROW (breathless): Still, there's (huff huff) something to be said for this (huff huff). We're getting plenty of exercise!

TO BE CONTINUED


(The Satellite Of Love...a large room we've never seen before. It's full of computers and large machines that spew out endless reams of paper. Crow is working at a PC, tapping furiously. There is an air of industry, of things being done really fast and with great efficiency)

CAPTION: SOL LIBEL/INTELLECTUAL COPYRIGHT SUIT PROCESSING ROOM

(Crow looks up)

CROW: Hi folks. You caught me at a bad time...got to get a few hundred of these bail applications filled out! One of the untold stories of Mystery Moonbase Alpha 2000 is the amount of time we spend fighting various defamation and copyright suits!! On average, we get 4000 per episode...from ITC, Polygram, Fred Freiberger, Gerry Anderson, Tony Anholt, you name it...not to mention our ongoing 5-year dispute with Prentis Hancock International.

And now Jeff is doing a GUSHINGLY illegal unauthorised do-up job on Ariana and Robert's MST3K, we're getting more hatemail and law suits than OJ Simpson!

(a machine next to Crow spews out more paper)

Uh-oh. OJ just sued us. (coughs) Anyhoo, great to see you all back for part 2 of The Beta Cloud. Stand by for more surreal hijinks from Ariana, Robert G and a person who may or may not be Jeff Stone, pending the results of next week's appeal.

(whoop whoop)

Ahhhhhh, 1999 time!!!


100.INT. CORRIDOR

Fraser is securing large crocodile clips from the cable to the box.

MIKE: Coool, now with any luck I'll be able to capture Steve Irwin.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Crocodile clips.

FRASER: "You did say terminal forty two?"
SANDRA (VO): "Terminal forty two. Four two."

SERVO (patronising): Do you, understand, thickie? 4 and 2.
MIKE (sotto voce): Cloth-Ears!

FRASER (clips to terminal): "Alright, Sahn."
SANDRA (VO): "Right. Now take the remote switch gear through the barrier."
Fraser pushes the box under the cables & ducks under it, touching it a cable as he moves under.

CROW: Why didn't Sandra tell him to put the remote switch on that side to begin with?

SANDRA (VO): "It should be alright, but don't touch the barrier, just in case."
FRASER: "Thanks. It is safe." (he carries on through)

CROW: A f**king awful joke, done as well as can be expected by the shockingly underused John Hug.

101.INT. CORRIDOR

Creature walks up to the Weapons section door. He pushes it open & enters.

MIKE: Boy, am I glad I landed on a Deep South moonbase.

102.INT. WEAPONS SECTION

Creature enters & looks round. It looks at the propogatoscope.

SERVO: Why is a propogatoscope in the Weapons Room? Or do they store all their science gear there as well?
CROW: That must suck, going to get a beaker and setting off a landmine instead.
MIKE: Propago-what? Looks like a plastic box to me.

103.INT. CORRIDOR

Tony & Maya hurry up, but hear the creature inside the Weapons Section.
TONY: "Back."
They hide behind the comms post as the creature emerges & leaves.
TONY: "Let's go."
MAYA (stops him): "Tony. We've tried everything. Nothing works."

CROW: And we seem to be suffering from some kind of amnesia!

TONY: "We have to keep trying."
MAYA: "But we can't stop it."

SERVO: The calm resolve I was displaying until very recently has abruptly crumbled!!!

TONY: "Maya, we can't give up now."
MAYA: "Nothing we've done has had an effect!"

SERVO: You don't understand! We've just come across a creature I can't change into. I must commit ritual suicide.

TONY: "I know that, but...hey, wait a minute. There is something we haven't tried. The cloud."
MAYA: "Yes. The cloud. That's what controls it."

CROW: Jeez, George W Bush coulda thought of that without help by now.
MIKE: I definitely have to commit suicide now -- Tony is becoming cleverer than me.

TONY: "Right. Now if we can threaten it somehow, beat it off even. It'll have to call the creature back."
MAYA: "How?"
TONY: "Come on." (they run into Weapons Section)

SERVO: Let me guess. First we shoot it, and then we try our bare fists?
MIKE: That's the Italian way!
CROW: I hear the sound of lawsuits a-piling up...

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

They enter & sit.
Screen: cloud.
Tony presses a button marled 'LASER'.

CROW: Oooh! I wonder what this does!

MIKE: "This is Ford Motors Control. To order a Laser, press '1'."

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Laser turret rises on surface.

SERVO: Oh look! It's John Tur-Turreto!

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "Give me range and elevation."
MAYA: "Range forty three thousand. Elevation twenty seven three."
Tony uses the Eagle remote control unit.

MIKE: Is there any particular reason he's using the Eagle remote control unit to control the laser turrets?"
SERVO: Yeah. The special effects department couldn't be bothered to design a laser control unit...

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Laser turret turns.

CROW: To every season, presumably.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

MAYA: "On target."
Screen: cloud.
Tony & Maya.
TONY: "Right, here goes." (presses button marked 'FIRE')

CROW: In the words of Commander Riker, FIRE!
MIKE: Captain Janeway's catchphrase is 'Seven.'

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Laser turret fires green beam.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Green beam hits cloud.

SERVO: I wonder what Martin Landau and Barbara Bain were doing while all of this was happening?
CROW: According to my 1999 Almanac, Bain was having her hair carved...and Landau was resolving a wage dispute between the Austrian Fruiterer's Union and Pope Paul VI.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

Tony & Maya are gleeful.
TONY: "It worked!"
MAYA: "We've done it!"

MIKE: Hooray for us!
SERVO: How many of the crew are still awake? It seems like there's only 4 or 5 doing anything to stop the damn creature!
CROW: Well, seeing as it was late, I think the rest of the base just decided to go to bed anyway.

They pause & look.
Screen: diamond closes.
Tony & Maya crestfallen.

SERVO: Forget about the damned toothpaste! Worry about the cloud!

Screen: halves close.
Tony & Maya.
CLOUD (VO): "Futility, Mister Verdeschi."

SERVO: You must be well acquainted with the concept.

Screen: diamond.
CLOUD (VO): "An exercise in futility."

CROW: Ha! Didn't you know diamonds are forever?!

Tony & Maya. Tony bitterly presses the button again.

MIKE: Assimilate this!

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Laser fires.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Diamond hit & splits again.
TONY (VO): "The one on the left."

CROW: Go and ask if she wants a drink.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

MAYA: "Range forty four thousand."

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Barrel turns.
MAYA (VO): "Elevation twenty eight two."
Laser fires.

MIKE: Dino Crisis 2 has a version of this...er, only with triceratops instead of evil, oxygen-hungry space diamonds. Oh, and it's in the jungle instead of space, and in a jeep instead of a laser turret.
CROW: Otherwise, completely the same.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Left half of diamond splits.

INT. CORRIDOR

Creature turns.

SERVO: Geez! Did someone beef?

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

The 3 parts separate.

MIKE: I wonder who gets custody of the creature?

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

TONY: "The one on the right."
MAYA: "Range forty four seven. Elevation twenty eight three."

EXT. MOON SURFACE (SFX)

Laser barrel fires.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Right half of diamond hit & splits.

INT. CORRIDOR

Confused creature.

CROW: Geez, I can't decide...paper or plastic?

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Right half splits.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

Tony & Maya.
Screen: right half splitting. The parts stop & start to move together.
Tony & Maya watch appalled.

CROW: Is this boring?
SERVO: Yep. Definitely boring. But at least we have some funky music to listen to.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

The quarters close together in the cloud, & the diamond disappears.

INT. WEAPONS SECTION

Tony & Maya, crestfallen.
CLOUD (VO): laughs.

MIKE: Niah, niah, niah.
CROW: Every time they have a vaguely scary enemy in Season 2, they get it to laugh like Dastardly Dan, thus destroying any menace they may have accidentally accrued.

Screen: diamond joins.
Tony & Maya as cloud laughs.
TONY: "Let's get out." (they leave)

MIKE: Let's go and listen to it laughing somewhere else.

106.INT. CORRIDOR

Fraser hears something & raises his rifle. Tony & Maya run into his sights.

ALL: BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!!! Er...halt, who goes there?

TONY: "Hold it!"
Fraser lowers his gun. Tony & Maya walk up to the barrier. Tony stops at it.
FRASER: "It is safe. I tested it." (they step through the fence) "Am I glad to see you."

SERVO: Sahn and I were running out of dialogue.

TONY: "Everything set?"
FRASER: "Yeah, but Maya better check it, I don't know too much about electrics."

MIKE: I know a hell of a lot about crop rotation, but that's not gonna be of much use, is it? Oh well.
CROW: Electrics is evidently womens' work on this base...

(as Maya inspects it, Fraser goes to Tony) "Do you think that will stop it?"
TONY: "Well, nothing else has."
They go to the Life Support Section door.
FRASER: "That's what it's after."

SERVO: What, the door?

TONY: "Yeah. And if it gets it.." (they hear footsteps)
MAYA: "Tony."
They look down the empty corridor.
TONY: "Okay Maya."
MAYA (switching on the box): "Circuit activated."
TONY: "Right, come over here."

MIKE: Come and cower beside me. I like that. It makes me feel all manly.

Tony & Maya back as Fraser walks forward with the rifle.

CROW: Come get some, monster!!
SERVO: We'll let Fraser do some work for a change...

FADE OUT

ACT FOUR

106.INT. CORRIDOR
The creature advances to the fence, but pauses in front of it. It puts one claw on a cable. As it puts the second claw on the cable sparks fly & it falls back. But it rises & charges against the fence. This time it falls back with flames burning on it. Maya smiles with relief. The creature rises & beats out the flames on itself.

SERVO: Lucky the aliens thought to make him flame-retardant.
MIKE: Why don't they just....ahhh...
CROW: Relax, Mike. You and the rest of the readers have already worked out about nine foolproof ways of destroying the thing, but it's more fun to just sit and watch the crew f**k everything up over and over again.

TONY: "Next time it's going to make it."
MAYA: "I know."

CROW: I'm not stupid!
MIKE (as Tony): Huh?
CROW: Never mind.
MIKE: Stupid woman.

(they exchange tender looks)

CROW: They should've exchanged tenderloins. Meat is expensive in space.

TONY: "Maya..." (she waits) "This isn't exactly the time I'd picked to say this."

MIKE: But I don't think a more inappropriate moment will ever come.

MAYA: "Say what?"

SERVO: Alright, I'll admit it. I used to be a woman.

TONY: "Psychon's my favourite planet."

CROW: But it doesn't exist anymore...
MIKE: And Tony never went there.
SERVO: Exactly. That's what's so great about it. He'll never have to go there to see her parents!

MAYA: "We don't have time to play with words, Tony." (they kiss)

MIKE: Let's play with marbles instead.
SERVO: Can you change into Sophia Loren for me?

TONY: "Maya, I love you."

SERVO (innocently): What is this thing that you call 'love'?
MIKE: Or this thing you call 'sexual harassment'?

(they kiss again)

CROW: Hmm. I like that. Let's do it again!
SERVO: Okay. Sod the monster. Your place or mine?

FRASER: "Tony."

SERVO: I hate to interrupt, Don Juan, but this isn't really the time to be snogging your girlfriend.
MIKE: Snog the monster! Maybe THAT'LL kill it! Or at least turn it into a prince.

The creature charges again & breaks the top cable. It staggers back.
TONY: "Fire!"

CROW: Where? Where? Oh, I keep forgetting...the creature!

Fraser fires, but the creature ignores being hit.
TONY: "How can any life form take that?"
Maya stares at it, slowly realising.

MIKE: D'OH!

MAYA: "Tony. It's no life form."
TONY: "Oh yeah."
MAYA: "When Eagle Six came down, my sensors showed no life form.

SERVO: Oh yeah. Now you mention it, I remember you saying something about that earlier...
CROW: Oh, Tony! That means we've come through the plot hole!
MIKE: And you thought the black sun was bad!!

108.INT. LIFE SUPPORT SECTION

Fraser hits it with his rocket rifle, but is grabbed by the neck.

SERVO: Fire the weapon, don't hit the creature with it, you dumbass!
CROW: You guys have neat lapels, too. I like it here!

Tony runs up but is knocked back to Maya.
MAYA: "Tony. It's a robot."

SERVO: Tony, helLO, anybody in?
MIKE: I worked it out when I saw it watching Dawson's Creek and actually finding it rivetting.

TONY: "It doesn't matter what it is, if it gets that core."
MAYA: "But we can beat it."

SERVO: 'Robots and How to Beat Them' was the first lesson in the 'How to save the universe' course I took back on Psychon.

TONY: "How?"
MAYA: "By getting to it's control centre."
TONY: "We don't even know where it is."

CROW: What, the monster? But it's standing right there.
MIKE: Maybe we should just punch it in the nuts?

Fraser is rolled over a desk. Tony jumps over the desk onto the creature's back. It turns, carrying him. Fraser runs up but is kicked away, his head hitting the alcove computer. Maya transforms into a bee.

SERVO: No! Not a bee!! Try something more deadly, like a cup of milk!
CROW: Right, I've let them have their macho punch-up. Time to save the day.

Tony is thrown off, rolling over a desk. He feels his left elbow. The Creature advances to the 'Life Support Systems Core'. It waves off the bee.

MIKE: Maya's devastating attack is, amazingly, brushed off by the alien.

From the floor Tony watches, then rises but is kicked back. The creature pulls out the core, starting an alarm.

SERVO: Why don't they just glue the damn core in place?
MIKE: If they did that, they couldn't have someone steal it every five or six eps.

109.INT. MEDICAL

Sandra by the temperature gauge as it falls from 20 to 15 & the lights fade.

CROW: Why does this always have to happen!
MIKE: And why does Sahn never do anything but stand and moan?

110.INT. LIFE SUPPORT CENTRE

Tony looks up at the creature.

CROW: <gulp> Erm...peace?

118.INT. LIFE SUPPORT CENTRE

The creature stomps about. Tony crawls forward.
Bee in circuits (sc 119)
The creature stomps over core, waving it's arms. Tony grabs the core & crawls back. (sc 118)
Bee in circuits.

SERVO: Check out the Renault symbol! Weird product placement or what?

Creature picks up & throws away a couple of orange chairs.

MIKE: Yuck. Tacky plastic. It's like I'm in an 80s airport lounge.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Cloud slightly shrinks.

CROW: Shrinkage in the cold of space is inevitable. That's why you never hear of astronauts getting involved in sex scandals.
MIKE: Damn! My dastardly plans have been thwarted -- I must really invest in a better robot next time.

INT. LIFE SUPPORT CENTRE

Creature sweeps a table clear.
Bee in circuits.
Creature throws something else.

SERVO (reading script): 'Something else'? Like what?
MIKE: Oh, any old thing will do.
CROW: Creature picks up writer and prepares to throw him.
MIKE (as writer): Um, let me rephrase that...

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Cloud shrinks & disappears, leaving the original nebula.

INT. LIFE SUPPORT CENTRE

Creature holds the box over Tony.
Bee in circuitry.
Creature drops box in front of Tony. It falls (in slow motion).

MIKE: Tony heaves a sigh of relief (in slow motion).
CROW: You always wet yourself at the most inconvenient moment. Now he'll have to change trousers before the end-of-ep joke.

128.INT. LIFE SUPPORT CENTRE

Creature lies still on the floor. Tony pushes the core in the hole. The lights return on & Tony falls to his side. He hears the bee.
TONY: "M...Maya."

CROW: Stop that buzzing. Please!
MIKE (singing): La dee dee, a one two three, Maya the Half-A-Bee...

As herself, Maya approaches him.
MAYA: "It won't get up again."

SERVO: Et voilà! Problem solved in five minutes flat.
MIKE: What a great episode this is.

EPILOGUE

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)
129.INT. MEDICAL

Pan over empty beds & to Tony, his right arm & leg elevated in traction.

MIKE: Actually, it's my left leg and arm. But who's counting?
SERVO: That's HMOs for ya.

Maya enters & places flowers by his bed.

CROW: I borrowed the mind control plant from A Matter Of Balance. I hope that's OK, the florist was shut.

She puts a stand by him & a box on his stomach before noticing that he is watching her.
MAYA: "Oh..you're awake."
TONY: "Oh no, I always sleep with my eyes open when I'm in traction."
MAYA: "Oh, Tony."

SERVO: You look so cute and helpless! Can I break your other leg, so you'll stay like this longer?
MIKE: She should. Christopher Reeve would make a better Security Officer than that twit.

TONY: "What's that?"
MAYA: "Three dimensional solitaire."

CROW: Just like normal solitaire, only three times more boring.
MIKE: And there are two more dimensions in which some irritating arsehole can stand behind you and say 'No, put the red 3 on the black 4'.
SERVO (looking at it dubiously): "You know, I sometimes find it difficult to cope with just one dimension."

TONY: Solitaire? How come I'm all alone in Medical Centre? Last time I was here the place was jumping with patients.

SERVO: Maybe his bodily funk revived the crew?

TONY: "And they were all being tended to by a nurse! This is disgraceful."
MAYA: "They're all well now."
TONY: "What about John?"
MAYA: "He's assessing the damage your friend the creature did."
TONY: "And Helena?"
MAYA: "Checking out life support systems."

CROW: Sheh right. They're off the set, playing golf.

TONY: "Well what about Bill Fraser. He was bandaged up pretty good, why isn't he in here with me?"
MAYA: "Oh. He only suffered bruises and contusions. And he heals much quicker than you do."

SERVO: Plus, I bribed Annette to take him back so you'd be here alone, and at my mercy.

TONY: "Oh, very funny. Hey, listen, talking about friends. That cloud, is it still on the screen?"
MAYA: "It's disappeared. It's really eerie. Something almost kills us and then just disappears as if it never was."

SERVO: It's like NATO during the Kosovo crisis.
MIKE: Fortunately, it took its plot holes with it.

TONY: "Mm."
MAYA: "Look. This is how it's done. The cards are played from one level to the next. Like that. Right?"

SERVO: You'll notice I'm using virtually nothing but words of one syllable. I think you'll get the hang of this.

TONY: "Oh, ah, Maya, you know all that wild garbage that I handed you?"
MAYA: "Wild garbage?"

MIKE: Yeah, you know. I gave you my used coffee cups and snotty Kleenxes the other day. That sure was wild garbage!
SERVO: I lied when I said I liked Psychon. Actually, I meant Borneo.

TONY: "Yeah, well you know, the heavy syrup, the thousand violins, all that romantic stuff."

MIKE: Heavy syrup? What is this, a 1999 ep or a can of lychees?
SERVOO: Maya in heavy syrup sounds oddly enticing...
CROW: I say a lot of dumb things, Maya. Personally, I blame it on the boogie.

MAYA: "That's wild garbage?"

CROW (coldly): It seems you have yet again forgotten that I can transform into creatures twice my size...

TONY: "I mean the pressure was murderous. A guy says a lot of strange things when he's under pressure. Right?"

MIKE: Only the other day, during that problem with the Archanon aliens, I claimed onions could vote.

MAYA: "Mm." (she takes chocolates from him, closes the box & takes all her presents away) "Right." (she leaves)

SERVO: I wonder what Dave Reilly is up to today...

TONY: "Well, how about that. She's really crazy about me."

SERVO: It's my strangely English Italian charm. No woman can resist me.

producer Fred Freiberger

MIKE: Will no doubt be taken out by the members of Online Alpha and summarily shot.

from ITC Television c ITC -Incorporated Television Company Ltd MCMXXVI

SERVO: 1926? This was made in 1926?
MIKE: It's about that lame, yeah...

John Hug: Bill Fraser

CROW: Best actor in the whole thing.

Albin Pahernik space/kreno animal

SERVO: Yay! Go Albin!


(The SOL bridge...Crow is back)

CROW: Oh, that was quick. Well, I hope you liked this very special edition of MMA 2K. I think you'll agree that The Beta Cloud is a complete pile of crap, but then some things are self-evident.

(knocking on a door)

Oh hell, the Libel Police are here. Gotta run!! Send in your answers as to why this ep was called The BETA Cloud on a postcard or a passing duck, and you could be in to win a whole kilo of gravel! Byeee!!

(he runs off, pursued by huge ape creatures vaguely similar to the 1999 ep's alien)

THE END


Copyright (c) 2001. Reprinted with permission.
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Space:1999 is (c) 1976 by Carlton International Media.
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