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There Are No Life Forms On Eagle Six

Authors: Ariana
Categories: MST3K
Episodes: Set spoof The Beta Cloud
Show Year: Y2
Rating: PG
Date: 1998
An alternate, humourous view of "The Beta Cloud", with comments by the characters themselves.
Average Rating: 5.0/5 (based on 1 reviews)

Disclaimer: "Space:1999" is copyright 1975,1976 by ITC/Polygram. This version is the property of the author, Ariana. Do not copy, distribute or archive without the author's written permission.

Introduction: The "MiSTing" of Star Trek fanfiction and episodes is a time-honoured Usenet tradition I decided to apply to some of Space:1999. Of course, as we know, Space:1999's Cosmic Princess was actually MiSTed by MST3K itself, but I thought I'd apply a similar method to The Beta Cloud which some consider to be a low point of the series. I must say that I actually quite enjoy this episode myself, but "qui aime bien châtie bien" as they say back home.

Since I have yet to see Mystery Science Threater 3000, I'll leave Crow, Mike and Servo out of this and just let the S1999 characters make some sarky comments of their own. I hope some of it is funny...

Original text of the script comes from Martin Wiley's scripts page (sorry for making fun of some typos)

The Beta Cloud

...brought to you in association with Microsoft. Actual release date for the Cloud to be determined.

Screenplay Charles Woodgrove (Fred Freiberger)
Director Robert Lynn

Final shooting script 11th June 1976
Double Up Helena script

Doubled up with laughter, no doubt...

Cloud Voice
Creature Dave Prowse
Space Animals Albin Pahernik

Poor Albin. I wonder if he made much of a career playing "space animals" all the time.

Int. Corridor by Hyrdoponics

Or rather Hrydopnoics, er, Hydrpoonisc, um, well that thing, anyway...


...line and sinker. Here we go, folks!

A faint nebula. A fire cloud explodes silently into being.

Considering this is all happening in space, it would be awfully strange if it exploded noisily into being. OTOH, this is science fiction...


KOENIG: "What is it?"
MAYA: "I'm trying to get a reading, Commander."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

MAYA (looks up at the screen): "Um. I'd say it's a cloud."

-Command Centre:
KOENIG: "What about it's range?"
SANDRA: "Constant."
KOENIG: "It looks to me like it's closing."
SANDRA: "It isn't, Commander, it's range is constant."

SANDRA: "Doesn't anyone listen to me?!"

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Yep. I'm still here."


-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Tony watches Koenig.

TONY (to himself): "He's going to flip. I just know it."

KOENIG: "Maya, what about it's composition?"

MAYA: "I'd give it a B- for style, but a D for originality."

MAYA: "Hydrogen. Nitrogen, mainly."
KOENIG: "Mainly?"
MAYA: "Certain elements unidentifiable." (Koenig looks confused)

TONY: "Uh-Oh. John is definitely going to flip."


The man leaves Johnson & goes to the comms post.
HELENA (on screen): "Medical."
MAN: "I need help."

HELENA: "Eek! It's Freddie Mercury!"


Much activity.

And not much light.


-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Still here. All the time in the world..."

-Command Centre:
KOENIG: "Nothing more substantial on the sensor? All gaseous, nothing solid?"

MAYA: "Yes. Nothing but hot air."

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Koenig watches.
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
-Command Centre: Koenig starts to sway & Tony goes to him.

TONY: "I knew it, damn it, I knew this was going to happen!"

HELENA (on screen): "John. People are passing out all over the base."
KOENIG: "Helena. We think we know the source." (he falls back into Tony's arms)
TONY: "Give me a hand, someone."

TONY: "He's heavy!"

HELENA (on screen): "John."
KOENIG: "It's the cloud, Helena. It's the cloud."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Why's everyone blaming me? I'm just sitting here."

-Command Centre: they take him to sit at his desk.

"Sit here and do some work for a change!"

TONY: "Take it easy, John."

TONY: "I can't run this place on my own!"


lighting cameraman Frank Watts BSC

Nice name for a lighting man.

The beds are filled with men; a nurse tends them.

Meanwhile, the women are in the Solarium being massaged by Ben Vincent.

HELENA (VO): "Fifteen hundred and three days after leaving Earth orbit.

HELENA: "Or, um, something like that. I lost count years ago."

Doctor Helena Russell recording. Seven days ago a cloud having strange characteristics and containing unknown elements appeared in our East Quadrant."

HELENA: "We're just praying it doesn't turn out to be the Bajoran wormhole."

HELENA (VO): "Suddenly lassitude, depression and loss of will have incapacitated most of our personnel.

HELENA: "In fact, they seem relatively unaffected."


-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Still waiting for something to happen..."

SANDRA: "Tony." (he walks to her)

TONY: "Yes, mistress?"

TONY: "Put it on the screen."

SANDRA: "Ooh, Tony, do you really want us to do this here?"

-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle passing nebula (sc 5)
SANDRA (VO): "Eagle Six!"
TONY (VO): "That's impossible."

TONY: "Eagles only ever make it back intact if they have me or Koenig on them!"

-Command Centre:
TONY: "Eagle Six, this is Moonbase Alpha. Do you read me?"
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle (continuation of previous shot).
-Command Centre:
TONY: "Oh come on, Graham, wake up, answer me. Eagle Six. this is Moonbase Alpha. Come in, Eagle Six."

TONY: "Come in, Eagle Six. Your time's up."


Eagle rises over Alpha (not descends).

A little note to make sure the effects team don't play the film the wrong way around.


MAYA: "Tony. Sensors pick up no life forms on Eagle Six."
TONY: "What?"
MAYA: "There is no life on board Eagle Six."

TONY: "No life? What about Graham?"
MAYA: "There is no life on Eagle Six."
TONY: "What, not even his co-pilot?"
MAYA: "No. There's no life on Eagle Six."
TONY: "Not even some kind of space animal?"
MAYA: "There is no life on Eagle Six, Tony. Eagle Six has no life forms on it. Nothing is alive on Eagle Six. Not Graham, not a space animal, nothing. There is no life on Eagle Six."
TONY: "Ah, okay. I get you."

Tony goes to his desk.

TONY: "I have a feeling this isn't going to be my day."


Helena tends to Koenig. She then goes to the comms post.
HELENA: "Yes, Tony."
TONY (on screen): "Helena. Let me talk to John."

TONY: "Help! I can't handle this!"

HELENA: "He's in no condition to talk."
TONY (on screen): "Helena. Eagle Six is right over our heads."
HELENA: "That's great."
TONY (on screen): "Negative. It exhausted it's fuel two days ago, and Maya's sensors pick up no life forms."

TONY: "And, Helena, just make a note of that -- NO LIFE FORMS ON EAGLE SIX."

HELENA: "I'll try." (goes to Koenig) "John. John." (she touches him, but he is asleep. She returns) "It's no use."
TONY (on screen): "Helena, I've got to talk to him."

TONY: "He forgot to give me the BIOS password for the computer! All the lights have gone out!"

HELENA: "Well, if you talked to him he wouldn't be listening."

TONY: "What else is new? Let me talk to him!"


SANDRA: "Tony. Eagle Six is landing."
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle lands. (sc 11)
-Command Centre: Tony presses a button on his desk (sc 12)
VOICE OVER: "Security."

VOICE: "Thank you for calling the Alphan Security section. How can I help you?"


Dark. Tony goes to the desk & looks to the stern.
TONY: "Graham!"
The creature appears in the cockpit corridor. It advances.
FRASER: "What is it?"
TONY: "I don't know. But whatever it is, it brought our Eagle back."

FRASER: "And it isn't a life-form."
TONY: "Huh?"
FRASER: "What Maya said, about there being no life-forms on board."
TONY (vaguely): "Oh yeah, whatever."

The guard fires a blue laser beam at it. He fires again (unseen). The creature grabs & shakes the guard. Tony runs up but is knocked back. The guard is shaken up & down, then dropped.
TONY: "Run."

TONY: "Run away! Run away!"


They catch their breath. Tony uses the screen panel.
TONY: "Maya."

TONY: "There's something I need to tell you before this thing catches up with me!"


TONY (on screen): "Tell Security I want them at the Travel Tube armed with heavy rocket guns. On the double." (she nods to them; the guards leave)


MAYA (on screen): "Tony. Are you alright?"
TONY: "Yeah. For the moment."

TONY: "And don't forget to remind me there's something I've got to tell you!"


MAYA: "What did you find?"
SANDRA: "Maya, the cloud. There's new activity."
MAYA: "What's it range?"
SANDRA: "Still twenty two thousand."

MAYA: "Twenty-two thousand what? Kilometres? Miles? Feet? Inches? Picas?"

-Big Screen (SFX): cloud (sc 27)

CLOUD (whistles innocently): "Just sittin' here mindin' my own business..."

MAYA (VO): "I'm getting some readings."
-Command Centre: Sandra rises & backs to Maya.

SANDRA: "Oh no, I'm getting that terrible feeling the Big Screen is going to attack me!"

SANDRA: "Do you think what the Commander says is true? That it's the cloud that's causing all this?"
MAYA: "Well, it's a strong possibility."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Nah. Not me. I'm just an innocent little cloud."

MAYA (VO): "There's something in that cloud that's emitting high
frequency impulses."
-Command Centre:
MAYA: "My scanners are picking up a mass of some kind."
SANDRA: "You mean there's a planet or an asteroid hidden in there?"
MAYA: "Well, sensors can't define specifically, but there's something in there beyond just gas vapour."
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.

CLOUD: "Damn. They've found out my secret. Now I have to kill them!"


Tony & Fraser emerge from the Travel Unit where the two guards wait.
TONY: "Anything comes out of that tunnel, fire those rockets without hesitation."
GUARD: "Right."

GUARD: "If anything hesitates firing rockets, we're to come out of the tunnel."
TONY: "Um, no. If anything comes out of that tunnel, fire the rockets."
GUARD: "Right."
Tony turns to go.
GUARD: "Sir. What if, um... what if a..."
TONY (patiently): "Yes?"
GUARD: "What if one of us goes into the tunnel and then comes out? Do we both fire our rockets?"
TONY: "No. Neither of you is going into the tunnel. When the monster comes out of the tunnel, you shoot it. Understood?"
GUARD: "Oh, right. You should have said so earlier."
TONY: "Everything clear?"
GUARD: "Absolutely, Mr Verdeschi. Shoot the monster when it comes out. Absolutely clear as day. No problems."
Tony tries to leave again.
GUARD: "Er, sir... Just one more question."
TONY (sighs): "Now what?"
GUARD: "What monster? I thought there were no life forms on Eagle Six."


Tony & Fraser enter.
MAYA: "Give me a fix on it's position."
CLOUD (VO): "Our relative positions "
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud.
CLOUD (VO): " are of little consequence."
-Command Centre: reaction.

CLOUD (chuckles): "Heh Heh. I definitely got them by surprise with that one!"

TONY: "Who are you?"
CLOUD (VO): "Who we are is too complicated for your comprehension."
TONY: "Try me."
CLOUD (VO): "Time does not permit."
FRASER: "We've got time. A lot of it."

FRASER: "Why do you think we're wasting it with this inane dialogue?"

CLOUD (VO): "You are in error."
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "You have very little time."
-Command Centre:
TONY: "What do you want?"
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "Your life support system."
-Command Centre:
TONY: "You mean we just give it to you?"

CLOUD: "Yup. That's the general idea. You puny humans are so inferior you've probably forgotten there were no life forms on that Eagle."

CLOUD (VO): "We have sent for it."
MAYA: "We can't exist without it."
CLOUD (VO): "Neither can we. So we must deprive you of yours."
SANDRA: "Tony. Travel Tube."

TONY: "Sahn, this isn't the time for... oh, I see."

-Big Screen (SFX): Travel Tube door being forced. (sc 33)
CLOUD (VO): "I will return your screens for you to observe."
-Command Centre: reaction.
-Big Screen (SFX): creature tears open doors.
-Command Centre: Sandra stands & backs.

SANDRA (screaming): "The Big Screen is going to attack me! The Big Screen is going to attack me!


Creature opens doors & walks out.
TONY (VO): "Fire!"

GUARD (looks around in panic): Where? Where?

They fire their guns: flames hit the creature.


Sandra backs to Tony.

TONY (looks nervously at Maya): "Uh, not now, Sahn."


Guards run up to creature & are thrown off (camera rolls as they roll)

The rule on Alpha is evidently: If rocket guns don't work first off, throw them away and try your bare fists.


TONY: "Okay, the two of you, get down to Medical Centre."
MAYA: "But Tony.."

MAYA: "...I can turn into creatures twice my size and three times my strength..."

TONY: "Don't argue with me, go on."

TONY: "Bill and I are going to beat the monster with our bare fists. You go and make some coffee for us, like a good little woman."

MAYA: "I want to stay with you."

MAYA: "You always get beaten up when I'm not around!"

TONY: "Maya, if you want to help me, get the hell out of here. Now move, both of you."

TONY: "Don't forget -- I'll have a double espresso, extra strong!"


Guard jumps onto creature & thrown back.

GUARD: "I don't understand this. My bare fists aren't working!"


Big Screen (SFX): creature bear hugs guard. (sc 39)
Command Centre: (sc 40)
FRASER: "We've got to help them."

TONY: "No we don't. We're in charge now. We can just stand here and let other people do things."

TONY: "Hold it."
FRASER: "We've got to do something to save them."
TONY: "We're going to do something." (presses button on desk)
HELENA (VO): "Medical Centre."
TONY: "Helena. Urgent. Let me know as soon as Maya and Sahn get to you."
HELENA (VO): "Right."

TONY: "Make sure they took the coffee machine with them. Bill and I will be down in a minute. Then we'll all barricade ourselves in there and wait until the creature goes away."

Big Screen (SFX): creature crushes man (sc 41)
Command Centre: (sc 42)
HELENA (VO): "Tony."
TONY: "Yeah."
HELENA: "Maya and Sahn are here."
TONY: "Okay." (cuts link & goes to computer) "Computer. Priority One. As of this moment all doors are nonoperational. Repeat, all doors to remain locked, to be opened only at my voice command."

TONY: "And let us know when the monster's gone."

Big Screen (SFX): cloud. (sc 43)
CLOUD VOICE (VO): "Your efforts are futile."

CLOUD: "You will be assimilated."

Command Centre: Tony & Fraser go to the doors.
TONY: "Open as ordered." (doors open to reveal creature advancing) "Close!"
They run back through Command Centre & out through the arch. The creature tears open the doors & enters (weird swaying camera angles from desk level)

Audience: "Oooh, groovy, man!"

CLOUD VOICE (VO): "You are in Command Centre."
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD VOICE (VO): "The Life Support system is not in that location."
-Command Centre: creature plods back out the doors.

CLOUD: "Next time I go foraging for life support systems, I'll buy myself a proper monster!"


Tony & Fraser stop.
TONY: "We split up here."
FRASER: "What about Life Support?"
TONY: "He'll head for there."
FRASER: "And if he reaches it, we're finished."

FRASER (aside to TONY): "How much more of this crap dialog do we have to go through?"

TONY: "I'll decoy it, you get to Life Support, set up a defence."
FRASER: "Right."

FRASER (mutters): "Yeah, right. I'll lie in wait for it and trip it up with my foot..."


Koenig tries to rise from his bed.
HELENA: "No, John, it's not a good idea. John, I don't think you've got the strength."
KOENIG: "Sure I do." (Alan also gets up, looking groggy)
MAYA: "Tony ordered me away, you've got to get him to let me help him."

MAYA: "He doesn't seem to understand that I'm the only one who can ever help him! It's that Italian macho thing again!"

HELENA: "If you want to help him, let him do it his way."

MAYA: "Yeah, right. Who is he? Frank Sinatra?"


Tony types on the control panel by the reactor door. He answers his comlock.
TONY: "Yes, Alan?"
ALAN (VO): "Tony, what's the situation?"
TONY: "Desperate."
ALAN: "What can we do to help?"
TONY: "Just keep everybody out of the way."

TONY: "I think I just pressed the wrong button..."


ALAN: "Where are you?"
TONY (VO): "I'm in Techlab Five. I'm trying to get it into the vacuum chamber."


Creature forces open Command Centre doors (reprise)

CLOUD: "Dammit! I told you their Life Support System wasn't in there!"


Tony reacts to the sound of the small explosion & looks to the door.
TONY: "Oh, oh, I've got trouble."
ALAN (VO): "Hey, Tony, don't take any chances."
TONY: "If this works maybe I won't have to take any more chances." (cuts link)

TONY: "Just call me Bruce..."


MAYA: "What's happening?" (takes Alan's comlock) "Tony. Tony, answer me."
ALAN: "Maya. Maya, he shouldn't have to worry about you right now."
MAYA: "It's just that he's out there on his own."

MAYA: "I mean, who does he think he is? Rambo?"

ALAN: "Yeah, I know, but if he can decoy that thing into the vacuum chamber.."
SANDRA: "Nothing can live in a vacuum."

SANDRA: "Um, even things that don't show up as life forms on the sensors... er, probably."

MAYA: "And if the creature doesn't walk into the trap?"
ALAN: "Well, then you will have to help him."

MAYA: "I could have told you that three hours ago!"


Heavy footsteps are heard. Tony opens the reactor door. The creature passes the room. Tony fires a blue laser beam at it. It enters & follows him into the chamber. Tony fires past it to explode something on the table in the room beyond. The creature is distracted, & he dashes past it & out. The creature tries to follow him as the door closes, but Tony fires [*throws*] a red extinguisher cylinder at it. The door closes & Tony presses switches.

TONY (looking at the door thoughtfully): "Wait a min... Did that monster just say what I think he said?!?"


HELENA (to Sandra): "Now don't be frightened to use this, the dosages are
computer coded."

SANDRA: "I'm not frightened to use this thing. The only thing I'm afraid of is the Big Screen in Command Centre." (shudders)


TONY: "Helena, let me talk to John."

HELENA: "I'm sorry, but Commander Koenig isn't available at this time. Please call back later or leave a message after the tone."


HELENA: "He's under sedation. I'm sorry, Tony."
TONY (VO): "Oh."

TONY (in a panic): "But I need him to tell me what to do!"


TONY: "Nothing to be sorry about. Let me talk to Alan."

TONY: "Just give me any man who can help me!"


Helena drops her comlock & slumps on her desk.


TONY: "Helena. Helena, "

TONY (to himself): "Damn women!"


Sandra & Alan help Helena.
TONY (VO): " you alright?"
ALAN: "Tony. She's fainted."
SANDRA: "Help me."
HELENA: "I'll be alright. I'll be alright."
ALAN (with Sandra helping her to a bed): "Got you up. Come back here."
HELENA: "I think I'll be alright."
SANDRA: "She has the sickness, Alan."
ALAN: "Take care of her."

ALAN: "She has the sickness -- it might be contagious! You take care of her!"

(returns to take comlock) "Tony. You want to talk."

TONY: "Yeah, I've got this thing I need to tell Maya..."


TONY: "Yeah. It's in the vacuum chamber, Alan. Everything's under control."

TONY: "I couldn't just tell Helena that half an hour ago because she's only a woman. Besides, we needed more dialogue."

Tony cuts the link & uses the chamber controls. He then opens the reactor door. The creature emerges, & throws Tony against the computer.

TONY (as he hits the computer): "Ungh! What was it Maya said about that Eagle?"


Maya watches.
-Comms post screen (colour): creature and Tony.
ALAN (VO): "You've got to help him, Maya."

MAYA (to herself): "Well, duh. At least one of these macho guys has some sense!"

SANDRA (VO): "But we can't release the doors."
Favour Maya.
ALAN (VO): "No, Maya doesn't need the doors."
Close on Maya's eyes. A mouse appears.
Alan picks up the mouse from the top of the temperature gauge & puts it in the ventilator grille.

The mouse looks into the ventilation hole and says "hell no, I'm not going in there!"... until an unseen technician yanks it in.

He then staggers weakly backwards into Sandra & puts his arm round her.

ALAN: "You know, I've always liked you Sahn..."


Mouse scurries along duct.


Tony falls backwards into corridor & fires a blue laser at the creature as it emerges after him.

TONY: "Damn. I need an upgrade to a red laser."


POV through grille (low angle up). Tony rises against the opposite wall as the creature approaches. It throws Tony against the near wall & moves after him, but he darts past it back to the other wall.
Mouse: it merges to become Maya.
As the creature moves up Tony darts to the opposite wall.
TONY: "Maya, get out of here!"

TONY: "Where's my coffee?"

The creature picks up Tony & bear hugs him.
Maya closes her eyes concentrating.
Flash shot: creature in Eagle corridor.
Maya concentrates.
Flash shot: creature in Eagle.
Flash: creature.
Flash: creature.
Maya opens her eyes.

MAYA: "Now that's strange... I can change into any life form. Oh well." (shrugs shoulders and dismisses the idea)

Creature hugs Tony.

CREATURE: "Cool flares, man!"

Maya transforms into beetle-animal & jumps on creature. It drops Tony & spins, throwing Maya off. She jumps back on it. Tony watches. The creature picks up Maya. Tony takes a fire point hose & fires carbon dioxide at it. It drops Maya & advances on Tony.

TONY: "Run, Maya!"

TONY: "See Maya run. Run, Maya, run."

Tony darts off while the creature advances to the nozzle & swipes at it; the nozzle breaks off & a burst of gas blows it off it's feet. Maya, by Tony, returns to her own form. They leave.

Tony & Maya run along the corridor. (sc 62)

They run up to the Medical Centre door. (sc 64)
TONY: "Open." (they enter) "Close." (the door closes)

TONY: "Hey, this is kinda cool!"


Alan stumbles to Tony.
TONY: "Hey, you'd better get off your feet."
ALAN: "I'm alright, alright. Oh- maybe I'll think better sitting down."
(sits at Helena's desk)
TONY: "Hey, how's John?"
SANDRA: "Still under sedation. You said everything was under control."
TONY: "Yeah. Well I was a little premature."
ALAN: "What, is that creature still on the loose?"
TONY: "Uh huh."

TONY: "Now my plan is that we all stay here and wait for it to go away..."

MAYA (still breathless): "Lasers don't stop it, and lack of oxygen doesn't affect it."

MAYA: "You'd think there hadn't been any life forms on Eagle Six!"

SANDRA: "Even if we had something which might be effective, how could we apply it?"
HELENA (in bed): "High pressure injector gun. Loaded with ionethermyecin. It's the most powerful stuff we have, it's..too powerful for humans."

HELENA: "We just keep it here in case we come across any passing rhinoceroses."

TONY: "Yeah, well human this thing ain't."

Maya looks puzzled and tries to remember what the hell her sensors were saying at the beginning of the episode. But there seem to be plot holes in her memory.


Creature advances, passing door (actually Weapons Section)


Tony loads gun.
HELENA: "Right. It's simple to use. Just place it against the body..and push the button."
TONY: "Okay."

TONY: "I think even I could have worked that one out!"

HELENA: "You're going to have to take over in here. I just can't make it."
SANDRA: "What do I do?"
HELENA: "Tyomoxin tablets. Give them to everybody that can swallow them. You alright?"
She nods & smiles. Favour Maya & Tony.
MAYA: "Tony, this might not work on that creature."

MAYA: "Tony, can you remember what I told you earlier? About the sensors and Eagle Six... I think it was something important, but I can't remember it!"
TONY: "Huh?"
MAYA (sighs): "Oh, why do I bother asking you?"

TONY: "It's got to work. Something's got to work."

TONY: "I've got a contract for another dozen episodes! They can't kill me off now!"

MAYA: "How are we going to get close enough to use it?"
TONY: "I don't know. We've just got to."

MAYA: "Yeah, and here's betting I'm the one who has to transform into something to do it!"

SANDRA (joining them): "She's sleeping now."
TONY (goes to comms post): "See if we can find it."
Favour comms post screen. Two corridors appear. Then a third with creature.
MAYA (VO): "It's heading for Life Support Centre."

TONY: "Wasn't that what it was supposed to be doing all along?"

They react.
TONY: "Yeah, let's go."
ALAN: "Tony, I'm going with you." (but falters as tries to reach them)
TONY: "That's all I need, buddy. You passing out on me." (sits him by Sandra & starts out)

TONY: "Besides, I don't want you to show me up in front of Maya."

SANDRA: "Tony!"

MAYA (looks at Sandra as she rushes towards Tony): "Hands off, he's mine."

TONY: "I'll be okay. Open." (leaves)

TONY: "Oh boy. Two women after me. I'll have to fight monsters more often!"


They leave Medical.
TONY: "Close."
MAYA: "Tony. It'll get to Life Support before we will."
TONY: "Maybe. In here." (they go to Weapons Section) "Open."


TONY: "Close." (they go to the screen) "There it is."
Tony presses a button: klaxons start.

TONY: "Somebody help me!"


Alan sits up in bed, alarmed. Sandra is by him.
ALAN: "What was that?"

SANDRA: "Oh yes, Alan. The Earth moved for me, too!"


Creature stops.


MAYA: "It's confused."
TONY: "Yeah. Let's see how really confused we can get it." (hits button)


TONY (on comms post): "You, Creature!" (creature hits post) "Creature!"
(it turns to another post) "Here I am." (goes to it) "I'm over here."

CREATURE: "Aargh! Black and white televisions!"


TONY: "He's falling for it."

TONY: "That cloud should seriously ask for a refund on that monster!"

MAYA: "The Hydroponics Experimental Section. Lead it there. We can fill
it with chlorine."
TONY: "Okay. ...

TONY: "Anything you say, honey!"

Open." (she leaves) "Close. Creature!"

Tony engages in gratuitous observation of Maya's back view as she goes out.


TONY (on post): "Here I am! I'm over here!" (creature goes to post & hits
screen) "Here I am! I'm over here!" (creature approaches other post)


Tony answers his comlock.
MAYA (VO): "Tony."


By Hydroponic.
MAYA: "I'm at Hydroponic. Can you open the door?"


TONY: "Computer. Open door to Hydroponic Section."

TONY: "This is really, seriously cool. I think I'll leave it like this when we've got rid of the monster! I could track everyone's movements!"


Alan goes to the post. Tony appears on it.
TONY: "Alan."
ALAN: "The red alert."
TONY (on screen): "It's a ploy to confuse the creature."

TONY: "It's a ploy to waste some time."


TONY: "We're going to try to get it into Hydroponic Experimental Section, hit it with chlorine."
ALAN (VO): "Well, Tony, isn't there anybody else to help you?"
TONY: "Only Fraser.

TONY: "Maya doesn't count."


TONY: "Right." (cuts klaxon & takes rifle) "Open." (leaves out door) "Close."


Tony runs into Reception & the Travel unit door.
TONY: "Open." (enters) "Close."


Travel unit speeds off.
Travel Unit speeds on.

Audience: "Zzzz"


FRASER (on post): "Life Support."

FRASER: "How may I help you?"

ALAN: "Fraser. I want you to set up a heavy duty electrical barrier across the approach to the Life Support."
FRASER (on screen): "I'm not qualified, Alan, I wouldn't know how to do it."

FRASER: "I was planning on beating the monster with my bare fists."

ALAN: "No, me neither. Listen. Sahn's the expert." (to her) "Give me a hand." (to post) "She'll tell you all about it." (he returns to bed)
SANDRA: "Bill. Listen carefully. Go to the "

SANDRA: " loo, first, because this is going to be a long job..."


SANDRA (VO): " Main Electrical unit in corridor thirty four."
FRASER (enters it): "Alright, Sahn."

FRASER: "Phew. It's lucky everything has labels on it!"

SANDRA (VO): "Take the limpets. The ones used for emergency cable runs."
FRASER (sees them): "Got them."

FRASER: "Um, I think!"


SANDRA: "Fix them both sides of the corridor. You have got to make a cable barrier."


FRASER: "Right."
He takes out the limpets to the corridor & fixes to opposite walls.

And so on...


TONY (running up to Maya): "You ready?"
MAYA: "Yeah."
TONY: "How are we going to get it into the chlorine?"
MAYA: "Remember I told you there was a chlorine breathing animal on the planet Kreno?"
TONY: "Right." (she transforms) "Creature!"


TONY (VO): "I'm over here!"
The creature hears & turns.

CREATURE: "Bugger the life support system, I just want those flares!"

Tony answers his comlock.
ALAN (VO): "Tony?"
TONY: "Yes, Alan?"

ALAN: "Tony!"
TONY: "Alan!"
ALAN: "Tony!"
TONY: "Right, I think we've wasted enough dialog now. What can I do for you?"


ALAN (using comlock): "How is it going?"
TONY (VO): "The chlorine isn't having any effect."

ALAN: "Really? You'd think it wasn't a life form!"
TONY: "Nah... Maya would have told me if it wasn't!"

ALAN: "Listen, can she get close enough to hit it with that anaesthetic gun?"

TONY: "How the hell do I know? I can barely see them!"


TONY: "That's too long a shot. Unless I can get in there to help her."

TONY: "She is only a woman, after all..."

ALAN (VO): "No, Tony, stay where you are, will you. You get in amongst that chlorine you'll kill yourself. And that will not help Alpha."

TONY (grins proudly): "Aha, so I'm not such a useless 'spag' after all, huh?"
ALAN (sotto voce... as Tony would say): "That remains to be seen..."


ALAN (falls on bed): "..I'm okay...I think I'm going to be okay now."
SANDRA: "You think you're going to be okay but if you don't stay off your feet you will have a relapse."
ALAN: "I've gotta get out there and help them."
SANDRA: "Tony and Maya can handle it if anybody can, now come on." (helps him to bed)

SANDRA: "Although, actually, my money's on Maya..."


Maya injects the creature but is grabbed & thrown against the door, causing an explosion. Tony runs to the door.
TONY: "Open. Open!" (it doesn't; he uses his rifle to smash window)

TONY: "Dammit! I've got to tell her I love her by the end of the episode!"

"Maya!" (Maya jumps through the window) "Stay down!"

TONY: "Go and cower in a corner in a womanly way!"

Tony fires the rifle but the creature continues to advance. They run off.

TONY: "Run away! Run away!"


Fraser secures the centre of the crossed cables with red tape. He then
aims his comlock at the cables.
FRASER: "What do you think?"

SANDRA: "It looks awful."


Tony & Maya enter.
TONY: "Alan. It didn't work."

ALAN: "What else is new?"


ALAN (with Sandra, watching Tony on medical monitor): "Where is it now?"
TONY (on screen): "Hunting for our life support system, I guess. And it won't take him long to find it."

TONY: "He's just cottoned on to the fact it's the place with "Life Support" written on it."

ALAN: "Tony. Go to the Life Support. But be very careful. Fraser is
setting up an electrical barrier."
TONY (on screen): "Okay."


Tony & Maya start to leave, but Tony pauses.
TONY: "Maya. There is one way we can get on an equal footing with that creature. You become one."
MAYA: "I've tried, Tony."

MAYA: "I came up with that idea hours ago!"

TONY: "But it's a life form. You can change into any life form."
MAYA: "Not this one, for some reason its molecular structure eludes us."

TONY: "Could it have anything to do with the fact you didn't detect any life forms on Eagle Six?"
Maya stares at him, surprised he has actually had an original thought. Tony also looks thoughtful. They look at each other.
BOTH: "Nah..."

CLOUD (VO): "Why does your species resist "
-Big Screen (SFX): cloud (sc 98)
CLOUD (VO): " the inevitable? Can't we convince you that we don't want to "
-Command Centre (sc 99)
CLOUD (VO): " inflict pain?"
TONY: "Yeah, I know. You're gonna kill us with kindness."
-Big Screen (SFX):
CLOUD (VO): "Sarcasm in your present circumstances is hardly a defence."

CLOUD: "I'm not going to let some twerp with lapels the size of Concorde get in my way!"

-Command Centre:
CLOUD (VO): "Accept your fate."
TONY: "Come on, Maya." (they run out)

TONY (breathless): "Still, there's (huff huff) something to be said for this (huff huff). We're getting plenty of exercise!"


Fraser is securing large crocodile clips from the cable to the box.
FRASER: "You did say terminal forty two?"
SANDRA (VO): "Terminal forty two. Four two."

SANDRA (sotto voce): "Cloth-Ears!

FRASER (clips to terminal): "Alright, Sahn."
SANDRA (VO): "Right. Now take the remote switch gear through the barrier."
Fraser pushes the box under the cables & ducks under it, touching it a cable as he moves under.
SANDRA (VO): "It should be alright, but don't touch the barrier, just in case."
FRASER: "Thanks. It is safe." (he carries on through)


Creature walks up to the Weapons section door. He pushes it open & enters.


Creature enters & looks round. It looks at the propogatoscope.

CREATURE: "Propago-what? Looks like a plastic box to me."


Tony & Maya hurry up, but hear the creature inside the Weapons Section.
TONY: "Back."
They hide behind the comms post as the creature emerges & leaves.
TONY: "Let's go."
MAYA (stops him): "Tony. We've tried everything. Nothing works."

MAYA: "And we seem to be suffering from some kind of amnesia!"

TONY: "We have to keep trying."
MAYA: "But we can't stop it."
TONY: "Maya, we can't give up now."
MAYA: "Nothing we've done has had an effect!"

MAYA: "You don't understand! We've just come across a creature I can't change into. I must commit ritual suicide!"

TONY: "I know that, but...hey, wait a minute. There is something we haven't tried. The cloud."
MAYA: "Yes. The cloud. That's what controls it."

MAYA (to herself): "I definitely have to commit suicide now -- Tony is becoming cleverer than me!"

TONY: "Right. Now if we can threaten it somehow, beat it off even. It'll
have to call the creature back."
MAYA: "How?"
TONY: "Come on." (they run into Weapons Section)

MAYA: "Let me guess. First we shoot it, and then we try our bare fists?"


They enter & sit.
Screen: cloud.
Tony presses a button marled 'LASER'.

TONY: "Oooh! I wonder what this does!"


Laser turret rises on surface.


TONY: "Give me range and elevation."
MAYA: "Range forty three thousand. Elevation twenty seven three."
Tony uses the Eagle remote control unit.

MAYA (observing him thoughtfully): "Is there any particular reason you're using the Eagle remote control unit to control the laser turrets?"
TONY: "Yeah. The special effects department couldn't be bothered to design a Laser control unit..."


Laser turret turns.


MAYA: "On target."
Screen: cloud.
Tony & Maya.
TONY: "Right, here goes." (presses button marked 'FIRE')

TONY: "In the words of Commander Riker, FIRE!"


Laser turret fires green beam.


Green beam hits cloud.



Tony & Maya are gleeful.
TONY: "It worked!"
MAYA: "We've done it!"
They pause & look.
Screen: diamond closes.
Tony & Maya crestfallen.
Screen: halves close.
Tony & Maya.
CLOUD (VO): "Futility, Mister Verdeschi."
Screen: diamond.
CLOUD (VO): "An exercise in futility."
Tony & Maya. Tony bitterly presses the button again.

TONY: "Assimilate this!"


Laser fires.


Diamond hit & splits again.
TONY (VO): "The one on the left."


MAYA: "Range forty four thousand."


Barrel turns.
MAYA (VO): "Elevation twenty eight two."
Laser fires.


Left half of diamond splits.


Creature turns.


The 3 parts separate.


TONY: "The one on the right."
MAYA: "Range forty four seven. Elevation twenty eight three."


Laser barrel fires.


Right half of diamond hit & splits.


Confused creature.


Right half splits.


Tony & Maya.
Screen: right half splitting. The parts stop & start to move together.
Tony & Maya watch appalled.

MAYA: "Is this boring?"
TONY: "Yep. Definitely boring. But at least we have some funky music to listen to!


The quarters close together in the cloud, & the diamond disappears.


Tony & Maya, crestfallen.
CLOUD (VO): laughs.

CLOUD: "Niah, niah, niah."

Screen: diamond joins.
Tony & Maya as cloud laughs.
TONY: "Let's get out." (they leave)

TONY: "Let's go and listen to it laughing somewhere else."


Fraser hears something & raises his rifle. Tony & Maya run into his sights.
TONY: "Hold it!"
Fraser lowers his gun. Tony & Maya walk up to the barrier. Tony stops at it.
FRASER: "It is safe. I tested it." (they step through the fence) "Am I glad to see you."

FRASER: "Sahn and I were running out of dialogue!"

TONY: "Everything set?"
FRASER: "Yeah, but Maya better check it, I don't know too much about electrics."

MAYA (aside): "Electrics is evidently woman's work on this base..."

(as Maya inspects it, Fraser goes to Tony) "Do you think that will stop it?"
TONY: "Well, nothing else has."
They go to the Life Support Section door.
FRASER: "That's what it's after."

TONY: "What, the door?"

TONY: "Yeah. And if it gets it.." (they hear footsteps)
MAYA: "Tony."
They look down the empty corridor.
TONY: "Okay Maya."
MAYA (switching on the box): "Circuit activated."
TONY: "Right, come over here."

TONY: "Come and cower beside me. I like that. It makes me feel all manly."

Tony & Maya back as Fraser walks forward with the rifle.

TONY: "We'll let Fraser do some work for a change..."



The creature advances to the fence, but pauses in front of it. It puts one claw on a cable. As it puts the second claw on the cable sparks fly & it falls back. But it rises & charges against the fence. This time it falls back with flames burning on it. Maya smiles with relief. The creature rises & beats out the flames on itself.
TONY: "Next time it's going to make it."
MAYA: "I know."

MAYA: "I'm not stupid!"
TONY: "Huh?"
MAYA: "Never mind."

(they exchange tender looks)
TONY: "Maya..." (she waits) "This isn't exactly the time I'd picked to say this."

TONY: "But I don't think a more inappropriate moment will ever come."

MAYA: "Say what?"
TONY: "Psychon's my favourite planet."

MAYA: "But it doesn't exist anymore..."
TONY: "Exactly. That's what's so great about it. We'll never have to go there to see your parents!"

MAYA: "We don't have time to play with words, Tony." (they kiss)

TONY: "Okay. Can you change into Sophia Loren for me?"

TONY: "Maya, I love you."

MAYA (innocently): "What is this thing that you call 'love'?"

(they kiss again)

MAYA: "Hmm. I like that. Let's do it again!"
TONY: "Okay. Sod the monster. Your place or mine?"

FRASER: "Tony."

FRASER: "I hate to interrupt, but this isn't really the time to be snogging your girlfriend."

The creature charges again & breaks the top cable. It staggers back.
TONY: "Fire!"

FRASER: "Where? Where?"

Fraser fires, but the creature ignores being hit.
TONY: "How can any life form take that?"
Maya stares at it, slowly realising.

MAYA (slaps her forehead): "DOH!"

MAYA: "Tony. It's no life form."
TONY: "Oh yeah."
MAYA: "When Eagle Six came down, my sensors showed no life form.

TONY: "Oh yeah... Now you mention it, I remember you saying something about that earlier..."
MAYA (joyously): "Oh, Tony! That means we've come through the plot hole!"


Fraser hits it with his rocket rifle, but is grabbed by the neck.

CREATURE: "Neat lapels, too. I like it here!"

Tony runs up but is knocked back to Maya.
MAYA: "Tony. It's a robot."

MAYA: "Tony, helLO, anybody in?"

TONY: "It doesn't matter what it is, if it gets that core."
MAYA: "But we can beat it."

MAYA: "'Robots and How to Beat Them' was the first lesson in the 'How to save the universe' course I took back on Psychon!"

TONY: "How?"
MAYA: "By getting to it's control centre."
TONY: "We don't even know where it is."

MAYA: "What, the monster? But it's standing right there."

Fraser is rolled over a desk. Tony jumps over the desk onto the creature's back. It turns, carrying him. Fraser runs up but is kicked away, his head hitting the alcove computer. Maya transforms into a bee.

MAYA: "Right, I've let them have their macho punch-up. Time to save the day."

Tony is thrown off, rolling over a desk. He feels his left elbow. THe Creature advances to the 'Life Support Systems Core'. It waves off the bee. From the floor Tony watches, then rises but is kicked back. The creature pulls out the core, starting an alarm.


Sandra by the temperature gauge as it falls from 20 to 15 & the lights fade.

SANDRA: "Why does this always have to happen!"


Tony looks up at the creature.

TONY: <gulp>


The creature stomps about. Tony crawls forward.
Bee in circuits (sc 119)
The creature stomps over core, waving it's arms. Tony grabs the core & crawls back. (sc 118)
Bee in circuits.
Creature picks up & throws away a couple of orange chairs.

CREATURE: "Yuck. Tacky plastic."


Cloud slightly shrinks.

CLOUD: "Damn! My dastardly plans have been thwarted -- I must really invest in a better robot next time."


Creature sweeps a table clear.
Bee in circuits.
Creature throws something else.

CREATURE (reading script): "'Something else'? Like what?"
WRITER: "Oh, any old thing will do."
Creature picks up writer and prepares to throw him.
WRITER: "Um, let me rephrase that..."


Cloud shrinks & disappears, leaving the original nebula.


Creature holds the box over Tony.
Bee in circuitry.
Creature drops box in front of Tony. It falls (in slow motion).

Tony heaves a sigh of relief (in slow motion).


Creature lies still on the floor. Tony pushes the core in the hole. The lights return on & Tony falls to his side. He hears the bee.
TONY: "M...Maya."

TONY: "Stop that buzzing. Please!"

As herself, Maya approaches him.
MAYA: "It won't get up again."

MAYA (dusts off hands with satisfaction): "Et voilà! Problem solved in five minutes flat."



Pan over empty beds & to Tony, his right arm & leg elevated in traction.

TONY: "Actually, it's my left leg and arm. But who's counting?"

Maya enters & places flowers by his bed. She puts a stand by him & a box on his stomach before noticing that he is watching her.
MAYA: "'re awake."
TONY: "Oh no, I always sleep with my eyes open when I'm in traction."
MAYA: "Oh, Tony."

MAYA: "You look so cute and helpless! Can I break your other leg, so you'll stay like this longer?"

TONY: "What's that?"
MAYA: "Three dimensional solitaire."

TONY (looking at it dubiously): "You know, I sometimes find it difficult to cope with just one dimension."

TONY: "Solitaire? How come I'm all alone in Medical Centre? Last time I was here the place was jumping with patients."

TONY: "And they were all being tended to by a nurse! This is disgraceful."

MAYA: "They're all well now."
TONY: "What about John?"
MAYA: "He's assessing the damage your friend the creature did."
TONY: "And Helena?"
MAYA: "Checking out life support systems."
TONY: "Well what about Bill Fraser. He was bandaged up pretty good, why isn't he in here with me?"
MAYA: "Oh. He only suffered bruises and contusions. And he heals much quicker than you do."

MAYA: "Plus, I bribed Annette to take him back so you'd be here alone, and at my mercy."

TONY: "Oh, very funny. Hey, listen, talking about friends. That cloud, is it still on the screen?"
MAYA: "It's disappeared. It's really eerie. Something almost kills us and then just disappears as if it never was."

MAYA: "Fortunately, it took its plot holes with it."

TONY: "Mm."
MAYA: "Look. This is how it's done. The cards are played from one level to the next. Like that. Right?"

MAYA: "You'll notice I'm using virtually nothing but words of one syllable. I think you'll get the hang of this."

TONY: "Oh, ah, Maya, you know all that wild garbage that I handed you?"
MAYA: "Wild garbage?"

TONY: "Yeah. I lied when I said I liked Psychon. Actually, I meant Borneo."

TONY: "Yeah, well you know, the heavy syrup, the thousand violins, all that romantic stuff."

TONY: "Personally, I blame it on the boogie."

MAYA: "That's wild garbage?"

MAYA (coldly): "It seems you have yet again forgotten that I can transform into creatures twice my size..."

TONY: "I mean the pressure was murderous. A guy says a lot of strange things when he's under pressure. Right?"
MAYA: "Mm." (she takes chocolates from him, closes the box & takes all her presents away) "Right." (she leaves)

MAYA: "I wonder what Dave Reilly is up to today..."

TONY: "Well, how about that. She's really crazy about me."

TONY: "It's my Italian charm. No woman can resist me."

producer Fred Freiberger

...will no doubt be taken out by the members of Online Alpha and summarily shot.

from ITC Television c ITC -Incorporated Television Company Ltd MCMXXVI

1926? This was made in 1926?

John Hug bill fraser
Albin Pahernik space/kreno animal

Yay! Go Albin!

And that's goodnight from them...

And goodnight from me.

Copyright (c) 1998. Reprinted with permission.
Space:1999 is (c) 1976 by Carlton International Media.
All stories are the property of their respective authors.

Database last modified in 2018.

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