Where Is Tony?

Disclaimer: "Space:1999" is copyright 1975,1976 by ITC/Polygram. This version is the property of the author, Ariana. Do not copy, distribute or archive without the author's written permission.

Well, I hesitated and thought I wouldn't have much to say after my Beta Cloud spoof, but finally the temptation proved too strong. I'm not mad about "Space Warp", but I just want to remind you I love Space:1999 and its characters and its groovy music and flares, and I have nothing personal against Fred Freiberger!

This is a draft, so if there's anything you think could be improved, do let me know! Here's hoping some of this is funny...

Original text of the script comes from Martin Wiley's scripts page (sorry for making fun of some typos)

-----Original Message-----
From: Ariana s1999 (at) alpha.ndirect.co.uk
To: Ariana <s1999 (a) alpha.ndirect.co.uk>

Tsk. Talking to myself again! [I sent it to myself to get the quoted text, btw <g>]

Space Warp
Screenplay Charles Woodgrove (Fred Freiberger)

AUDIENCE: "Oh no! Freddie is back! It's the return of the Nightmare in Pinewood Studios!"

Final shooting script 13th July 1976
Double Up Helena script

AUDIENCE: "She's evidently a big fan of Fred's comic talents."

1st Security Guard Tony Osoba

AUDIENCE: "They let him out of "Porridge"..."

2nd Security Guard John Judd
3rd Security Guard

AUDIENCE: "...is played by Mr Nobody."

Hook

AUDIENCE: "...line, and sinker. Here we go again..."

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)
Eagle rises from base. Close on base.
HELENA (VO): "Moonbase Alpha Status Report. Eighteen hundred and seven days after leaving Earth orbit.

HELENA: "Or is it 1804? Or 2514? 345? Oh I can't remember."

Doctor Helena Russell recording. A derelict spaceship "

HELENA: "...is all that I've become."

1.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

The derelict.
HELENA (VO): " has appeared in our third quadrant. Commander John Koenig and Security Officer Tony Verdeschi "

HELENA: "...have been written out of this part of the episode because they're filming A Matter of Balance."

Eagle (sc 2)
HELENA (VO): " are en route to investigate."

KOENIG: "Yeah, I'd rather fight Mr Clean than Maya in a temper."

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

HELENA (VO): "The question is, could it's sudden appearance be connected with the fact that our science officer, Maya, "

HELENA: "...that conniving little twerp who's trying to take my place as Babe of the Base..."

4.INT. MEDICAL

Maya writhes feverishly in her sleep.

AUDIENCE (Male): "Nice writhing..."

HELENA (VO): " has developed a high fever of unknown origin which has so far resisted all medication."

HELENA: "My plan is to change her into a monster so all the men on the base will be mooning after me!"

(("Cosmic Princess" begins; Helena goes to Maya to scan her))
MAYA: "Mentor...don't do it, Mentor...you must leave Psychon...don't do it, Mentor...we have to..leave the planet.."
HELENA: "Take it easy, Maya."
MAYA: "Mentor..! Mentor..!"
HELENA (firmly): "Maya."

HELENA: "Snap out of it!"

((Maya subsides)) "Maya." ((Maya recovers))

MAYA: "Phew! That was some nightm... Oh no! I'm still on Moonbase Alpha!"

MAYA: "Oh. I've been having terrible visions. Flames all around me...volcanoes erupting."

MAYA: "I was remembering a picnic with my parents on Psychon..."

HELENA: "You have a very high fever; as soon as we can bring it down you'll be alright. Is there anything you want?"

MAYA: "Hmm... let's see... Tony Verdeschi covered in chocolate sauce?"

MAYA: "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Helena. * Where's Tony? I want Tony."

HELENA: "Maya, I'm your doctor. What could Tony do for you that I can't?"
MAYA: "Um, it's a private thing we Psychons don't talk about..."
HELENA: "Oh..." (aside) "Combined with me changing her into a monster, we could have a serious problem on our hands."

HELENA: "He'll be here soon. Okay?"

MAYA (petulantly): "No, it's not okay. I want him right now! Go and get him, Helena!"

((she goes to comms post: "Cosmic Princess" resumes)) "Alan. Contact Eagle One."

HELENA: "I think I know what's wrong with Maya..."

5.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

HELENA (on screen): "Ask them to return as soon as possible. I'm worried about Maya."

HELENA: "I think she's entering the Psychon Pon'Farr..."

ALAN: "Will do." ((cuts link)) "Sahn. Will you get Eagle One up on the Big Screen and open up a channel."

SANDRA (shudders): "Oh no, not the Big Screen!"

SANDRA: "Moonbase Alpha calling Commander Koenig."
-Big Screen (SFX): (sc 6) Eagle to derelict.
SANDRA (VO): "This is Moonbase Alpha calling Commander Koenig."

8.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

SANDRA (on screen): "Come in please. Commander Koenig, come in please."

SANDRA: "Answer your bloody phone!"

KOENIG: "Go ahead, Alpha."
ALAN (VO): "John. We'd like an E T A on your return."

9.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN: "Helena's worried." ((-not in "Cosmic Princess"))

Koenig and Tony laugh.
KOENIG: "Poor little woman. Misses me already."

KOENIG (VO): "We'll return after we board the derelict ship-"
Suddenly tremendous shaking & centre spins upside down.

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.
ALAN: "All personnel assume emergency positions. All personnel assume
emergency "

10.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

ALAN (VO): " positions."
TONY: "What the hell's going on?"

ALAN: "It's the Production Schedule! It's splitting us!"

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

...Katrina follows shortly...

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon is elongated in warp effect.

VOICE OVER: "Space, the final frontier..."

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "Give me a shot of Alpha on the Big Screen."

TONY: "Um, John. We're in an Eagle. We don't have a Big Screen. Just poxy little televisions."

Eagle screen: (SFX) Moon enters space warp. (sc 13)
They watch.
Eagle screen: (SFX) Moon enters warp & disappears.
They are shocked. (sc 14)

TONY: "Maya!"
KOENIG: "Helena!"
TONY (recovering): "Ah well. Women -- who needs them anyway?"

TONY: "What happened to Alpha?"
KOENIG: "It's disappeared."

TONY: "Yeah. Even I can see that!"

SPACE WARP

EXT. SPACE (SFX)
Moon is elongated in warp effect.

VOICE OVER: "...these are the voyages of Moonbase Alpha..."

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

MUSIC: "I'm walking on sunshine, woooah! I'm walking on sunshine, woooah!"

16.INT. MEDICAL

Medical spins as Helena holds down Maya.

HELENA: "This is all your fault!"

MAYA: "Mentor! It's happening again!"
HELENA: "We're not on Psychon, Maya."

HELENA: "HelLO! White walls, lots of plastic. Where do you think we are?!?"

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

ALAN: "Surf's up, everyone!"

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon is elongated in warp effect.

VOICE OVER: "...its continuing mission: to explode strange new worlds and destroy civilisations..."

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.

AUDIENCE: "Zzzz"

INT. MEDICAL

HELENA: "Hold on, Maya."

HELENA: "My potion will soon be taking effect!"

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon in space warp.

VOICE OVER: "...to boldly go... er, I mean, to go boldly... um, boldly to go... Well, basically bugger off at the end of each episode..."

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX)

Waves cross the base.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon small in warp.

SANDRA: "Aargh! We're shrinking... oh, it's just the magnification."

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon is elongated in warp effect.

MOON: "You know, I'm getting a bit tired of all this. I get doused in waves, then spun, then elongated. What is this? A space warp or a bloody washing machine?"

INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Spins 360o.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Moon is elongated in warp effect.

MOON: "Aaaargh!"

Then Moon straightens, & spacewarp effect around dies.

MOON: "Oh, at last. The wool cycle."

20.INT. MEDICAL

Straightens.
BEN: "What hit us?"

HELENA: "That's the funny thing about space warps -- you never know what hit you."

HELENA (feels Maya's face): "We'll find out. As soon as we have time."

21.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN (returning to desk): "Alright, everybody. Back to your stations."
VOICE OVER: "Maintenance."
ALAN: "How long before you can restore full power?"
VOICE OVER: "I'll give you a time as soon as we locate the source of the trouble, Mister Carter."

VOICE OVER: "I'd estimate about three weeks for the repairs. I could do it in two days, but then I'd have to go and get parts from the head office and no one would get a tea break, so it would cost twice as much. Then again, when I say three weeks, it could turn out to be ten..."

ALAN (to Sandra): "Can you get Eagle One on the Big Screen?"
-Big Screen (SFX): nebula, then another. (sc 22)
-Sandra watches.
-Big Screen (SFX): nebula.
-Sandra watches.

SANDRA: "Is this part of my therapy to cure me of my Big Screen-phobia?"

-Big Screen (SFX): nebula.
-Alan goes to Sandra (sc 23)
SANDRA: "Alan, I cannot locate them. What did this to us?"
ALAN: "I'm not sure yet. Keep trying."
-Big Screen (SFX): 2 nebulas (sc 24)

SANDRA: "Well, there's a change. Maybe the nebulas are metastasising."

SANDRA (VO): "Nothing."
-They watch (sc 28)
ALAN: "What's our position?"
SANDRA: "That was our position."
-Big Screen (SFX): (sc 31) nebula, with a green dot flashing (& bleeping)
SANDRA (VO): "This is our position now." ((second dot)) "We have moved five light years in a matter of minutes."

ALAN: "Five lightyears? What is this? The starship Enterprise?"

ALAN (VO): "We've gone through a space warp."
-Command Centre (sc 32):
ALAN: "There's no chance of the Commander ever making it back to Alpha."

SANDRA: "Must be being so cheerful keeps you going."

SANDRA: "Unless he can find a window in the space warp."
ALAN: "The chances of that are pretty remote. What's our present velocity?"
SANDRA (after checks): "Back to normal."

SANDRA: "Whatever that is!"

ALAN (to black astronaut on screen): "Get ready to launch a refuelling Eagle."

ALAN: "Since you're sitting there on the screen doing nothing."

PILOT (on screen): "Yes sir." ((screen blanks))
ALAN: "Yeah. I know it's a long shot. But if they can find that space warp, then they're gonna need refuelling to get back to Alpha."

ALAN: "But I have a feeling they'll be back by the end of the episode, though."

-Big Screen (SFX): the 2 dots blinking & bleeping.

ALAN: "Right, that's enough bleeding blinking and bleeping!"

26.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle leaves derelict.
TONY (VO): "Eagle One to Moonbase Alpha. Come in, Alpha."

TONY: "No answer. Helena and Maya have probably taken over and are doing their nails or something."

27.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

TONY: "Ah, it's no good, John. I just can't get a fix on them."
KOENIG: "There's only one answer, Tony. They must have gone through a space warp."
TONY: "They could be billions of miles away. We have fuel for less than a million."
KOENIG: "It might not make any difference even if we had all the fuel we needed."

KOENIG: "After all, we're the main characters. We'll be back on the station as soon as the Production Schedule brings us there."

TONY: "Yeah. We wouldn't even know which direction to go in."

KOENIG (aside): "Speak for yourself, bead brain."

33.INT. MEDICAL

MAYA (delirious): "I'll help you...I'll help you...ahhh!!" ((sits up)) Close on eyes: animal 1 briefly appears.

HELENA: "It's working!"

Helena helps Maya lie back.
HELENA: "Maya. Maya, come on. Come on, just lie back. Come on, here we go, here we go, easy." ((Maya cries)) "Alright now. Alright, just take it easy. You've been delirious, Maya."
MAYA: "Yes, I know, the nightmares, they're getting worse, they're taking over."

MAYA: "I keep getting this urge to throw plomeek soup around and lick it off Tony's body!"
HELENA (disgusted): "Ugh! That is a nightmare!"

HELENA: "Ben, prepare a sedative."

HELENA: "Let's knock her out until this Production Schedule problem is solved."

MAYA: "No... That won't do it. Helena, I'm beginning to lose molecular control. I don't know what will happen. You've got to put me in restraints."
HELENA: "Maya, I can't do that."

HELENA: "That's... that's kinky!"

MAYA: "You've got to! I can be dangerous! Put me in restraints!"
HELENA: "Ben. Prepare a sedative. Okay, put her in restraints, then."

BEN (aside): "Hmm. Helena was awfully easily convinced."

ALAN (on post screen): "Command Centre."
HELENA: "Alan. I must speak to Eagle One."

HELENA: "I need Tony to... um, well, it's rather a delicate matter, actually..."

34.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

SANDRA: "You have to tell her, Alan."
HELENA (on screen): "Tell me what?"

ALAN: "Helena. John is gone: you're a free woman. Will you marry me?"

ALAN: "That shaking. We went through a space warp.

ALAN: "Also known as a Production Schedule."

Eagle One is on the other side of it. We are five light years from our last position."

35.INT. MEDICAL

Helena is stunned. She cuts the comms post link.

HELENA: "Drat. Now I'll have to deal with Maya's Pon'Farr! Or maybe not... um, Ben..."

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Whip pan through space.
Eagle flies past nebula (sc 36)

TONY: "Right. So now our girlfriends are 5 lightyears away, how about we go to a bar and get us some babes."
KOENIG: "Sounds good to me... No, wait a minute! We're still in this episode!"
TONY: "Damn. I thought they'd written us out completely!"

37.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "Okay. This is just about where Alpha disappeared." ((checks console)) "We've matched Alpha's velocity. And now all we have to do is find that hole in space."

TONY: "Easy peasy... if you say it quickly."

38.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle flies under long stream nebula.

39.INT. COMMAND CENTRE ((not in "Cosmic Princess"))

Helena enters.
-Big Screen (SFX): space diagram & two blinking dots. (sc 40)
Sandra looks with concern at her (sc 41)

SANDRA: "Helena, I am sure that screen is going to attack me."

SANDRA: "You're the doctor, Helena, so forgive me for prescribing, but...you need some rest." ((gives her a cup of coffee))

SANDRA: "But in the meantime, have some coffee. That'll keep you awake."

ALAN: "If there are any developments, Helena..."
HELENA: "What are his chances?"
ALAN: "Well, you know John. He won't give up."
HELENA: "What are the chances of his finding that same door in space?"
ALAN: "It depends."

ALAN: "I don't know if his contract has been renewed. You know he has a bad reputation and..."

HELENA: "On what?"
ALAN: "On luck."
HELENA: "Luck? In space? I guess his chances are a billion to one."

ALAN: "Oh, I don't know. Considering we're on a Moon that got wrenched intact from Earth orbit, I'd say his chances are pretty good -- we've always been extra lucky on Alpha."

SANDRA: "Helena, if I can.."
Helena leaves, putting cup on command desk.

42.INT. MEDICAL (("Cosmic Princess" resumes))

Dark. Close on sleeping Maya. Suddenly her eyes open wide.
Close on eyes as animal 1 appears.

MAYA: "Where's that idiot Tony when I need him?"

43.INT. CORRIDOR

Helena pauses, supporting herself against the wall before continuing.

44.INT. MEDICAL

Animal 1 lifts up its arms, snapping the restraints.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Puny human restraints."

INT. CORRIDOR

Helena turns into the corridor to Medical.

44.INT. MEDICAL

Animal 1 stands & looks round. Helena enters.
HELENA: "Maya." ((it approaches)) "Maya." ((approaches)) "Maya, please, revert!" ((Animal catches & shakes her)) "No! Ah! Maya! Please!"
Helena is thrown over operating table. Animal pushes open door, creating sparks.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "My revenge at last... she's always been jealous of me: not allowing me to appear without makeup indeed!"

45.INT. CORRIDOR

A red jacketed man & a service man walk out of the Travel Tube & into the main corridor.
RED ALPHAN: "I've got a rest period now, do you want a coffee? Hey!"
They see the animal. Red runs up but is swept out of the way by an arm. The service man is tossed over. The animal goes on. The service man rises & goes to the comms post.

46.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

PILOT (on screens under Big Screen): "Emergency in corridor level A. Emergency in corridor level A."
PETROV (appearing on Sandra's monitor): "There's some sort of monster loose on Alpha. We've just been attacked."

SANDRA (sighs): "What, again?"

SANDRA: "Emergency in Weapons Section."
ALAN: "I heard." ((hits button)) "All Security Personnel. There's a dangerous creature loose on Alpha."

ALAN: "And it's not the commander!"

47.INT. MEDICAL

Close on Helena. Pull back to include Alan on comms post screen.
ALAN (VO): "Take no chances. Put your laser guns on kill. Take no chances. Kill on sight."

INT. CORRIDOR ((not in "Cosmic Princess"))

Animal 1 pauses by a post flashing 'Red Alert'.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Now, where's that fellow Verdeschi?"

ACT TWO


EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX) ((not in "Cosmic Princess"))
Foreground is Eagle on pad; middle distance a Daria dome & building; background Alpha.

48.INT. CORRIDOR

Two guards advance, at each door positioning at either side before cautiously opening it.
ALAN (VO): "All nonessential personnel to remain in their quarters. This creature is dangerous. I repeat, this creature is dangerous. Security. Kill on sight."

ALAN: "And if that doesn't help, beat it with your bare fists."

Guards open Weapons Section door.

Another corridor as Animal advances, comms post foreground. (sc 49)

Guards leave Weapons Section door (sc 48)

49.INT. CORRIDOR/ ELEVATOR

The animal reaches Elevator 7, level A. It backs to the door & its hand hits the control panel. It continues backing into the elevator, then operates the panel inside to close the door.

50.INT. ELEVATOR

The animal is disturbed as the lights in panels either side rise.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Crickey! This place has elevators. I never knew that!"

51.INT. CORRIDOR/ ELEVATOR

The two guards reach the level A door.
GUARD 1: "Occupant of elevator "

52.INT. ELEVATOR

GUARD (VO): "Please identify yourself. Occupant of elevator "

54.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Alan & Sandra listen.
GUARD (VO): "Please identify."

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Mhxbxbvc! Gshc gsudgehvx!" (to itself) "Drat, she changed me into something that can't speak!"

Alan switches on the monitor: it shows the animal. He changes the picture to a third guard.
GUARD 3: "Security."
ALAN: "Elevator seven. Levels C and D."
GUARD 3: "Yes sir."

55.INT. MEDICAL

BEN (finding Helena): "Helena. What happened? You alright?"
HELENA (as gets to knees): "Maya. Maya turned into some kind of space creature. Look, I'm alright but there's no telling what she might do."

HELENA: "I mean, if she doesn't find Tony, she might attack some other member of the crew. And now I've changed her into a monster, that won't be pleasant!"

BEN: "She's already doing it. Alan's orders are..to kill on sight."
HELENA (going to post): "Alan. You're got to cancel that kill order."

56.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN: "Hey, now wait a minute. That creature is -"
HELENA (on screen): "That creature is Maya. She can't control what she's doing."

HELENA: "She's, um, looking for Tony, if you get my drift."

57.INT. CORRIDOR/ ELEVATOR

Level D as 3 guards wait.
ALAN (VO): "Top priority. All personnel. Don't shoot to kill. Change to stun."
Inset: close up of laser as changed to stun.
The animal bursts out & is shot. It then runs out, grabs 2 guards so it can lift itself into a kick at the guard inbetween. It then throws the 2 guards it holds into either side of the elevator door & leaves.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Well, that was fun!"

58.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle flies over camera.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

They look out.

TONY: "Hey, look, John, there's a camera down there!"

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

POV of space, stars passing.

59.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

TONY: "Shall we try number eleven?"
KOENIG: "No, let's try to raise Alpha on the screen." ((operate console))

TONY: "What? Just in case we're nearer than we were five minutes ago?"

-Eagle viewscreen (SFX): three shots of space (sc 60)
-KOENIG: "I guess there are going to be no miracles today. How about that derelict?" (sc 61)

TONY: "Doesn't look like a miracle to me."

-Eagle viewscreen (SFX): derelict (sc 62)
KOENIG (VO): "It's power pods could be the same as ours and we might be able to use it's fuel store "

TONY: "That's an awfully long shot, isn't it? I mean, here we are in a nuclear-powered Eagle, right? We couldn't even interface this thing with a bloody petrol-powered combustion engine from Earth. What makes you think we'll have more success with an alien spacecraft?"
KOENIG: "Well, this *is* scifi..."

-They look (sc 63)
KOENIG (cont): " if it's got any left."
TONY: "Yeah. You never know, we could get lucky."

TONY: "Though I'd certainly rather get lucky in some intergalactic bar..."

KOENIG: "What have we got to lose?"

TONY: "Nothing but our chains!"
KOENIG: "Huh?"

64.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle turns.

65.INT. MEDICAL

GUARD 1 (on post screen): "It's making it's way back towards the upper levels. But we're staying clear, as you ordered."
ALAN: "Hey, don't lose contact. But stay out of reach, huh?

ALAN: "You never know when her mating instincts might kick in."

Tranquilliser
darts are almost ready." ((cuts link))
Alan goes to Helena & Ben, preparing drugs.
BEN: "Okay. But how much do we use? Too little, no effect. Too much, death."
HELENA: "Let's hope this is the correct dosage."

HELENA: "It's that stuff we used last time."

ALAN: "Well, the stun guns have had little effect, Helena."
HELENA: "This has more of a kick."
GUARD 1 (on post): "Mister Carter. It seems to be making it's way towards the Travel Tube."
ALAN: "Mm."
HELENA: "The Travel Tube. When Maya was delirious she was hallucinating about Psychon, that her father was still alive and that she had to save him."

HELENA: "Plus, I think she was having some pretty disturbing fantasies about Tony."
ALAN: "As far as I'm concerned, any fantasies about Tony are pretty disturbing."

ALAN: "Well, you think it's making for the Eagles?"
HELENA: "Yeh, and if she gets into one, starts off, she'll be making a one way trip to a planet that's no longer there."

HELENA: "Not to mention she'll give Tony and John a mighty big shock if she reaches them..."

They leave.

66.INT. CORRIDOR

Animal turns the corner into Reception & walks to the tube. 3 guards appear behind, then Helena & Alan. Helena stops Alan moving to fire.
HELENA: "No. Maya. Please. Listen to me!" ((it pauses)) "Maya. Listen.
Please, let us try to help you."

ANIMAL/MAYA (to itself): "If I could speak, I'd point out that you're the one who changed me into this thing in the first place!"

It turns back to the Tube door. Alan fires. It enters the Tube.

INT. TRAVEL TUBE (SFX)

Tube speeds off.

66.INT. CORRIDOR

ALAN: "She's making for launch pad four. Come on." ((they leave))

67.INT. TRAVEL TUBE (SFX)

Travel tube speeds on.

And so on...

69.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Alan & Helena enter.
-Big Screen (SFX): Animal in Travel Unit (sc 70)
-They watch (sc 71)
ALAN: "Cut off the power to the main Travel Tube."

INT. TRAVEL TUBE (SFX)

Unit stops.

72.INT. TRAVEL UNIT

Animal stumbles with abrupt halt.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Bloody hell! You can never trust public transport these days."

73.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN: "Alright, Helena. We've got it trapped underground. We've hit it with stun guns, tranquilliser darts..and she's still on her feet."

SANDRA: "She isn't a robot, is she?"
HELENA: "No this time, we know it's Maya."
SANDRA: "Exactly..."

-Big Screen (SFX): Animal. (sc 74)
ALAN (VO): "Oh, boy, what do we do now?"

ALAN: "Where the fiddle is John when you need him?"

-Command Centre (sc 75)
HELENA: "We go in after it."
SANDRA: "Alan."
-Big Screen (SFX): Animal rips open Unit door. (sc 76)
-Command Centre (sc 79)
HELENA: "If she makes it to an Eagle, takes off, there's no way we can help her."
ALAN: "Come on. We'll try the alternate travel tube."

HELENA: "Alternate travel tube? Since when is there an alternate travel tube and why didn't you remember it earlier?"
ALAN: "Because the writer just made it up!"

-Big Screen (SFX): animal leaves out door (sc 79)
-Sandra stands.

SANDRA: "Uh-oh. The Big Screen is definitely gearing up for an attack!"

81.INT. TRAVEL UNIT

Helena & Alan enter. Alan activates the screen.
GUARD 3 (on screen): "Launching area."
ALAN: "This is top priority alert. Block Travel Tube tunnel one. Permit -"

84.INT. LAUNCH AREA

A guard & 2 pilots watch Alan on comms post screen. The Travel tube door beyond is burst open by animal.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Tada!"

INT. TRAVEL UNIT

Screen changes to test card.
ALAN: "Launch area."

84.INT. LAUNCH AREA

Guard runs up, but is pushed back into pilot 1. Pilot 2 runs up & is flipped over into the coffee machine.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "It all adds to the flavour."

85.INT. TRAVEL UNIT

ALAN: "Launching Area?"

86.INT. LAUNCH AREA

ALAN (VO): "What's happening?"
GUARD (rises & goes to post): "Mister Carter."

INT. TRAVEL UNIT

GUARD (on screen): "We've been attacked by-"
ALAN: "Okay, I figured that. Where's it gone now?"
GUARD: "In Eagle Four."

87.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Animal enters & sits with a slump. It lifts it's arm to a switch.

88.EXT. LAUNCH PAD (SFX)

Tube retracts from Eagle.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Ah well, I can't speak, but at least I know how to operate this thing. Now, then, let's go and find that mate of mine!"

90.INT. LAUNCH AREA

Helena & Alan enter from Travel tube 2.
GUARD: "It's too late. The boarding tube's already retracting."
HELENA: "We can't let her lift off." ((they run to Control Room))
ALAN: "I'll bring her down."

EXT. LAUNCH PAD (SFX)

Eagle.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Animal is sleepy.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "This is boring -- I think I'll have a little kip."

91.INT. CONTROL ROOM

Alan sits at a desk.

AUDIENCE: "Pen-pusher!"

INT. HANGER (SFX)

POV shot moving between rows of Eagles.
Eagle moves through hanger under door.

95.INT. CONTROL ROOM

Alan & Helena go to the window to look out.

INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle carried between 2 other Eagles.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Alan & Helena watch.

INT. HANGER (SFX)

Continuation of previous as Eagle moves between 2 others.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Sleepy animal.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Zzzz."

INT. HANGER (SFX)

POV between 2 other Eagles.
Continuation of previous as Eagle lowered between 2 others. (sc 96)

99.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

The animal looks at its hands, then at the joysticks.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "ZZZZ... Rurmpf! Where am I? Was it all a... oh drat, I'm still a monster. That's right, and I need to find Tony -- it's that time of year. Now then, let's try and remember how to control this thing."

100.INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle fires engines & rises.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Animal leans to side as door closes.

INT. HANGER (SFX)

Front of Eagle rears up between the 2 others.

101.INT. CONTROL ROOM

HELENA: "Can't we stop it?"
ALAN: "No, no, we've no control over it now."

102.INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle rises; explosion over command module.

103.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Upside down; smoke, explosions.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Whee! Neat special effects!"

INT. CONTROL ROOM

ALAN: "Get the rescue unit on the double."

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Violently rolling.

INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle rolls onto its side & back.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Rolls upright.

INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle rolls on its back, with explosions.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "So this is what a roller coaster is like!"

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Alan & Helena look out.

ALAN: "Hey! She's crashing my Eagles! I'm the only one who's allowed to do that!"

105.INT. HANGER (SFX)

Eagle slides on its side through canisters: large explosion.
Eagle slides on, in explosion.
Eagle slews on in fiery flame, passing the engines of another Eagle.

104.INT. CONTROL ROOM

Firemen rush up to the door.
HELENA: "Get her out of there!"
ALAN: "Move it! Go!"
Alan & Helena go to the Launch Area door & wait with the guard, a nurse & an orderly. The firemen bring in the animal & lay it on a stretcher.

HELENA: "Right, it's metal handcuffs for you, now, Maya!"

111.INT. LAUNCH AREA

The wheel the animal across the Launch Area to the travel tube door.
HELENA: "She's dying."

ALAN: "Er, how can you tell?"

ALAN: "Well, can't you save her?"

ALAN: "Are you sure it isn't just that sedative you gave her?"

HELENA: "I've never seen this species before, its anatomy and vital
functions are unknown to me."
ALAN: "Well, you've got to do something."

ALAN: "You're a doctor; you'll sort something out. Give her electroshocks or something."

FADE OUT

ACT THREE


112.INT. MEDICAL
The light focuses on the animal on the operating table. Alan, Helena & Ben are in surgical gowns & masks.
HELENA: "Maya. Change back, please, change back."
BEN: "That anaesthetic dart really worked. It's metabolism can't cope with it." ((shows Alan diagrams)) "The pressure's in here, somewhere. We've nothing to compare. We've never seen anything like this before. We've insufficient knowledge of this species to know what that's all about. We can't treat it's injuries."

ALAN (peers at diagram): "Um, oh, well, right... whatever you say..."

ALAN (bitter): "Just stand here and let Maya die?"

ALAN: "Tony will have a fit when he gets back."

BEN (of test tube): "Look. The creature's blood. If we treat it, it could upset the corpuscle balance. We don't know what the hell we're dealing with." ((following not in "Cosmic Princess"))

ALAN: "Well at least one of you's honest!"

ALAN: "Helena. How long ago did Maya transform into this?"
HELENA: "About forty five minutes ago."
ALAN: "Okay, now, you're afraid to operate because you're unfamiliar with its anatomy, right? Well, Maya can't hold this form for longer than one hour. We've only got to wait another fifteen minutes."
HELENA: "She doesn't have fifteen minutes. * Ben, will you assist me, please?" ((* "Cosmic Princess" resumes))

BEN (sarcastically): "Oh no, I can't do that. I'm only qualified to operate the Solarium... well, of course I'm going to assist you -- I'm your assistant, aren't I?!?"

BEN: "If you operate, you could kill her."

HELENA: "Don't be so gloomy. I'm a very good doctor." (aside) "Besides, I know I wouldn't miss her..."

HELENA: "At least she'll have a chance." ((they mask up & move a spotlight on the animal's stomach)) "We'll make our incision right here. If we can stop that blockage-"
BEN: "What if it's not a blockage? What if it's natural tissues performing a natural function?"

BEN: "Maybe she's pregnant!"

HELENA: "Let's find out." ((Ben sprays area)) "All right. Here we go."
CU of brain-respiration panel bleeping.
NURSE: "Doctor Russell. Heart fibrillating. Pulse erratic."
BEN: "You can't operate. She won't make it."
Helena pushes the surgery light back & unmasks.
HELENA: "Maya. You've got to change now. You've got to change right now."
((animal stirs)) "Alan. I think she hears me."

ALAN: "How can you tell?"

Merge transformation into Mentor.

HELENA: "Wait a minute, that potion I gave her before was supposed to make her into a monster, not a man!"

Mentor opens his eyes & his arm snaps out to knock Alan away. He sits up & throws Ben over him. Alan runs up to grab him, but falls back. Ben runs up & is thrown back. Alan returns to strike Mentor, then runs to the alarm button & hits it. Mentor advances to Helena.
Alan runs up into a snap punch at his face, then a punch from Mentor.
HELENA: "Maya, no! No! Maya, no!"

HELENA: "Bad girl, Maya! Bad girl!"

Alan misses Mentor's punch & returns a half hearted kick & two weak punches, both blocked. Mentor grabs Alan & throws him over the surgical bed to land in the corner of the room behind a bed. Mentor advances on Helena.
HELENA: "Stop it!"
She throws the surgery spotlight at Mentor, but it is tossed away. A guard enters as Mentor faces Alan & Helena.
HELENA: "Don't kill him!"
ALAN: "Make sure your gun's set on stun."
The guard fires a yellow beam. Mentor falls & has an epileptic fit on the floor.

HELENA: "Fascinating. Now she has epilepsy as well. That's quite some potion I gave her!"

Merge transformation into animal 3. Alan & Helena are pushed back, then Ben, & the guard is pushed out the door. Animal 3 leaves out the door, passing the guard on the floor.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch... er, I mean on the other side of the Production Schedule...

113.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle flies to the side of the derelict.

114.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "That looks like a docking port."
TONY: "See. We are getting lucky."

TONY (disappointed): "Scanners indicate no babes around, though."

115.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle lowers to the side of the derelict.
CU derelict & Eagle as dock.
KOENIG (VO): "Cut power."
TONY (VO): "Power cut. Okay, we're locked on."
Both ships docked.
KOENIG (VO): "Right. Let's take a look."

TONY: "I wonder if they have any whip-wielding babes in here."
KOENIG: "Wrong episode."

116.INT. DERELICT

Koenig & Tony enter.
KOENIG: "Tony. Check the power room. See if the fuel supply is adaptable to our Eagles."
TONY: "Yeah, okay."

TONY: "Yeah, right. Like that's likely."

Tony walks past camera;

TONY: "Hey, John, there's another camera over here!"

track Koenig along other end & a screen. Koenig takes a capsule & pushes on in a slot. The screen shows Maya's equation from "A B Chrysalis". Tony returns.

KOENIG: "Tony, your girlfriend's already been here."

KOENIG: "Obviously a data bank."
TONY: "John, that power room is amazingly sophisticated. It's way beyond our capabilities."

KOENIG (aside): "You mean way beyond yours."

KOENIG: "Maybe the answer lies here." ((picks up cartridge)) "Look at that one. It's a different colour."
TONY: "Yeah."

TONY: "Cool. An alien Lego game."

GRASSHOPPER (on screen): "This is Captain Duro, Commander of the Betanon Scout Cruiser Menon.

TONY (leaning forward): "Speak up! What's with the whispering?"

We were twelve parsecs distant from the mothership Admenon when it disappeared into a space warp. That happened star time twelve. It is now star time thirty two.

KOENIG: "For all we know, that could have been five minutes ago!"

And through all that long period I and my crew have been desperately trying to find that same entry into the space warp. We thought that we had pin pointed the exact location of entry of the Mothership into the space warp. It was after a number of unsuccessful attempts to enter the space warp that we realised our coordinates were wrong. There was a fault on our space warp locator. Our ship suffered much damage. I set my engineers to work. We were very close to attaining the correct coordinates when there was a malfunction in a power pod which caused an explosion, killing all my crew. I myself suffered a fatal wound. In the last moments of my life I am making this record so that if any other intelligent life arrives in this area, they will have an explanation of these tragic events. The data relating to the space warp locator is recorded on cartridge twenty six. In the burial tradition of my species, I have ejected my crew members out into space and at the conclusion of this report I will join them."

TONY: "Phew, he sure talks a lot for a grasshopper!"

((New dialogue in "Cosmic Princess"))
TONY: "Well. If it's any consolation to him, we know how he felt."
KOENIG: "We owe him. We owe him for pointing the way. Twenty six?" ((puts it in))

TONY (looks at the inscription "26" on the cartridge): "Talking about lucky. What were the chances they'd use the same Arab numbers?"
KOENIG: "Luck? Sounds more like sloppy writing to me."

GRASSHOPPER (VO): "This stage of the operation is critical. The data shown must be fed into our on board computer and linked to yours. The correct coordinates will be obtained by connecting the space warp locator to your computer's navigational programmer and the Menon's computer activated. The rest of the procedure is relatively simple." ((screen shows equation, then locator, then equation)) ((New dialogue in "Cosmic Princess"))
TONY (of equation): "Wish we had Maya here." ((Not in "Cosmic Princess"))

TONY: "She's clever, she understands these things."

KOENIG: "Well, we don't."

KOENIG: "At last, I get a chance to show off my skills, instead of letting some alien woman show me up each time."

TONY: "John, it's a hell of a long shot." (("Cosmic Princess" resumes))

TONY: "I seem to recall saying exactly the same thing to you earlier, too."

KOENIG: "Yeah. But it's a shot. Let's find that locator."

And back on the other side of the Production Schedule...

125.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Alan is at the command desk, & 2 guards on the monitor.
GUARD 3 (on screen): "Travel Tube clear."
ALAN: "Check." ((cuts link))
VOICE OVER: "Life Support."
ALAN: "Anything?"
VOICE OVER: "It's not in this area, Mister Carter."
ALAN: "Check." ((cuts link)) "Attention all Security personnel. All the corridors are clear, the travel tubes are clear, the life support area is clear, levels C and D are clear. Now check levels A and B." ((cuts link))

ALAN: "In other words, everything is clear except levels A and B."

"It's gotta be somewhere on this base."
HELENA: "If Maya's still in control, if her brain is still feverish, she'll be trying to get to Psychon."

HELENA: "Or the other side of the Production Schedule, which is where I suspect she is anyway."

SANDRA: "The launch pads are sealed off, she cannot get to an Eagle."
ALAN: "Well, it might take a little time, but we'll find her."
Beat.
HELENA: "John?"

ALAN: "Where? Where? Damn, I thought I had you all for myself!"

128.INT. DERELICT

Koenig searches through junk on the floor & finds the locator.
KOENIG: "Tony. I've found it. Yeah, this is it...

TONY: "How can you tell?"
KOENIG: "I'm the commander, I know these things."

... Let's transfer it to Eagle
One, and see if it works."
TONY: "John, even if we do break through that space warp and come out on the other side, we're never going to catch up with Alpha. We don't have enough fuel."
KOENIG: "Tony, it's my hunch that everyone on Alpha is working on that contingency. Now come on."
Koenig slaps him on the shoulder, smiling.

TONY: "Get your hands off me. We're not that desperate yet!"

129.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

-Big Screen (SFX): the 2 distant dots.
ALAN (VO): "Sahn, "
-Command Centre (sc 130)
ALAN: "Will you patch me into the refuelling Eagle."

SANDRA: "Well, it depends. What's it worth?"

SANDRA: "Moonbase Alpha to Eagle Three. Moonbase Alpha to Eagle Three."
PILOT (on screen under Big Screen): "Eagle Three to Moonbase Alpha. Go ahead."
ALAN: "Gary, what's your E T A?"
PILOT: "E T A to rendezvous point seven minutes, twelve seconds."
HELENA: "Rendezvous point, we hope."
-Big Screen (SFX): diagram (sc 131)
ALAN (VO): "When you reach the rendezvous point "
-Command Centre (sc 132)
ALAN (cont): " I want you to cruise the area."
PILOT: "For how long?"
ALAN: "Well, until I give you further notice."

ALAN: "Stop asking questions and just do as you're told."

GUARD 1 (appears on monitor): "Mister Carter. We've cornered the animal at airlock seven. It seems hell bent on getting out of Alpha."
ALAN: "Right, we're on our way." ((Alan & Helena leave))

GUARD1: "Yeah, and fat lot you're going to be able to do..."

133.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

Animal 3 hits airlock door. Guards come round bend of corridor near it & back up to another corner where Alan & Helena run up.
ALAN: "It's still trying to get to Psychon."
HELENA: "If she smashes that airlock.."
ALAN: "Uh huh, explosive decompression will wipe out everybody in this section on Alpha. You guys set on stun?" ((they walk out)) "Fire."
The guards fire. The animal pauses, then continues battering the door.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Hmm, what was that tickle... oh never mind."

HELENA (Using comlock): "Computer. Open the inner door to airlock seven."
The door opens & the animal enters.
ALAN: "What are you doing? If that breaks through the outer airlock door onto the surface, she'll die instantly."

HELENA (to herself): "Oh yes, my dream at last!"

HELENA: "Computer. Close the inner door to airlock seven." ((advances to door)) "Ben, I need an anaesthetic gas cylinder at airlock seven immediately."
BEN (VO): "Right, I'm on my way."

134.INT. AIRLOCK

Animal hits outer door.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Let me outta here!"

135.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

HELENA: "In that confined space the anaesthetic should have an immediate effect."
ALAN: "It'd better."

136.INT. CORRIDOR

Ben walks carrying cylinder.

BEN (hefting cylinder): "Ungh. We need those nifty antigrav units like in Star Trek."

137.INT. AIRLOCK

Animal battering.

PRODUCER (besieged by animal rights activists): "No animals were harmed during the filming of this episode. Only credibility."

138.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

Ben arrives. Alan screws the cylinder into the emergency air supply.

139.INT. AIRLOCK

Animal throws boxes at door.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Like boxes are going to help. Still, it looks good on screen."

146.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

They watch a screen as mist fills.
ALAN: "There's nothing. No effect at all. Maya!"

148.EXT. MOON SURFACE

Door bursts open & animal thrown out.

ANIMAL/MAYA (prancing off on the Moon surface): "Haha! Yipee! Whee! Free at last!"

149.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

They watch, shocked.

150.EXT. MOON SURFACE

On ground by the base of a gravity tower, the animal stirs.

INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK 7

They watch.
Screen: animal rising.
They watch (sc 151)
BEN: "It must have an air store like a camel stores water."
ALAN: "Yeah."

HELENA: "Oh, that creature. She told us about that a few episodes back, I think..."
ALAN: "What, you mean we actually have continuity? Why didn't anyone tell me?"
HELENA: "...or is it something she's going to tell us in a few episodes' time? This Production Schedule is confusing me."

Screen. Animal starts off.
ALAN (VO): "How long will it last though?"
They watch. ((Not in "Cosmic Princess"))
HELENA: "What matters is that Maya can only hold that form - for an hour."

152.EXT. MOON SURFACE ((not in "Cosmic Princess"))

Animal starts to run off.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "Now then, where's that Tony?"

FADE OUT

ACT FOUR


EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX) ((not in "Cosmic Princess"))
Close on base.

154.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK (("Cosmic Princess" resumes))

Alan & Helena are suited, with guards.
GUARD 1: "You want us to follow you, sir?"
ALAN: "No, not just yet. Get yourselves suited up and wait for a command round in airlock C."
GUARD 1: "Yes sir."
SANDRA (VO): "Command Centre?"
HELENA: "Have you got visual?"

155.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Sandra looks.

SANDRA: "Um, lemme see. Oh, yes, we do have visual."

-Big Screen (SFX): animal 3 on surface (sc 156)
SANDRA (VO): "It's approaching area Copernicus "
-Sandra (sc 157)
SANDRA (cont): "of the Copernicus depression. It's pace has slowed."

SANDRA: "And it has just tripped over the Copernicus rock and landed in the Copernicus dust."

158.INT. CORRIDOR/ AIRLOCK

HELENA: "Right."
ALAN: "Slowed, huh? It must be running out of air."
They take their helmets & enter the airlock.

HELENA: "And don't forget to keep your helmet closed, Alan."
ALAN: "Huh?"

159.INT. AIRLOCK

They sit in the buggy.
HELENA: "Depressurise."
A button is pressed on the moonbuggy dash board. The door opens & they drive out.

160.EXT. MOON SURFACE

Buggy drives out over door fragments at the base of a gravity tower.

AUDIENCE: "Buggy looks remarkably like a pair of Action men on a remote controlled car."

Animal 3 runs (sc 161)

Moonbuggy accelerates on.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Whip pan through space.
Close on Eagle/ derelict (sc 162)

Tony and Koenig are enjoying a fag break and coffee. Tony has his feet comfortably propped up on the dressing-room table, while Koenig is having his makeup reapplied by a buxom makeup artist.
KOENIG: "...I mean, I was virtually in every episode, and I was still getting paid as a bit-part. So I said that if they didn't give me more money, I'd have to leave and take her with me, and she was the star of the show! Then they said..."
TONY (looks at camera, throws away cigarette): "Oops! We're on again, John."

163.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Tony adjusts locator.
TONY: "Okay, John. I should now be hooked up to your onboard computer."

TONY: "Oh, no!"
KOENIG: "What's wrong?"
TONY: "They're using UNIX!"

166.INT. DERELICT

KOENIG: "We have link up. I'm going to activate."

166A.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Tony looks in the locator's eyepiece.
TONY: "Okay. I've got all the coordinates. Now all we have to do is understand them."

KOENIG: "That's a job for me. You can make some coffee in the meantime."

INT. DERELICT

KOENIG: "Alright. I'm coming onboard."

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Tony looks in locator.

TONY: "I was never set up until I had a Production Schedule locator to play with. I can calculate my next holiday with this! Let's see, according to this, I'll..." (leans back, looks shocked) "...be out of a job at the end of the season."

167.EXT. MOON SURFACE

Animal bounces along.

ANIMAL/MAYA (sings): "Giant steps are what you take, walking on the Moon. I hope my leg don't break, walking on the Moon..."

Buggy.
SANDRA (VO): "Creature is now on a bearing of two six seven zero and still slowing."
ALAN: "Roger, Alpha."

SANDRA: "No, that's Sandra, Alan."
ALAN: "Sandra, Alpha."
SANDRA: "That doesn't mean anything, Alan. You still need to say 'roger'."
ALAN: "Okay, Roger Sandra, Alpha."
PASSING ALPHAN (looks lustfully at Sandra): "Anytime you like!"

Animal runs on.

Buggy.
HELENA: "There she is."
ALAN: "Moonbuggy to Alpha. We have visual."
They drive after the animal round a central rock.
HELENA: "Alan, look out!"
They drive the animal over.

ANIMAL/MAYA: "What do you think I am, a bloody hedgehog?!?"

168.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Sandra & others stand.

SANDRA: "Uh-oh. My Big Screen-phobia is evidently contagious."

-Big Screen (SFX): Animal rises (sc 169)
-They watch.

170.EXT. MOON SURFACE

They drive round the rock & the animal. It lifts a boulder & throws it at them; it bounces out of the back of the buggy. They drive into rocks around the area.
ALAN: "Helena, hang on. Get out of the way."
They leave the buggy. Alan jumps on the animal: he is lifted up & dumped on the central rock ((his visor bounces open)).

HELENA (sighs): "So much for my advice."

The animal lifts up a rock & throws it at Helena.
HELENA: "No, Maya, no!"

HELENA: "Bad girl! I'll put you back in restraints! Heel, Maya, heel!"

171.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Watching.
-Big Screen (SFX): Helena by buggy (sc 172)
Watching.

173.EXT. MOON SURFACE

Alan sees the animal going to Helena.

ALAN: "No, I must save Helena! I need to tell her I love her!"
ANIMAL/MAYA: "Why do these Alphans always get emotional when they're being chased by a monster?"

He runs up onto the central rock & jumps off it for a flying kick into the animal's back. It falls & rolls over. Alan is back on the central rock, gasping for air. Inset: air tank & meter, hissing air.
ALAN: "Helena! I'm losing oxygen."

HELENA: "You seemed okay with your visor open a minute ago..."

Helena goes to the buggy & opens a 'Emergency Equipment' pack. She takes from it a repair pack & an emergency oxygen tube. She goes to Alan & seals his tank with a plaster. She screws in the air cylinder. Alan breathes in.
HELENA: "Command Centre. I need an emergency Eagle immediately."
ALAN: "Air. Beautiful."

ALAN: "Me, Alan. You, Helena. Let's do it!"

HELENA: "You'll be alright, Alan. The creature's running out of air. If it transforms into Maya, she'll die instantly."

ALAN (breathing in gratefully): "Good. She'll do us all a favour."

179.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle & derelict.

Koenig hastily readjusts his toupee.
KOENIG: "It's us again, Tony!"
(Sound of toilet flushing)
TONY: "Just a minute!"

180.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

TONY (reading from checklist): "One. Two. Five. Six. Seven. Four.

TONY: "Um, Nine. Twelve. Three..."
KOENIG: "You can't count, can you?"
TONY (shamefacedly): "No. That's why I never graduated from the Scuola Materna."
KOENIG (puzzled): "So how did you get your PhD?"
TONY (grins): "Easy! I slept with my tutor."

One down
to blue." ((suppresses yawn))
KOENIG (at each pressing switches): "One down to blue."
TONY: "Yeah."
KOENIG: "Compensation factor?"
TONY: "Ah..port thruster, twenty two point two second burn. Inertia factor green plus two."
KOENIG (pressing buttons): "Green plus two."

TONY: "Dilithium chambers recharged. Deflector shields at 100%. Phaser and photon torpedoes armed and ready..." (notices Koenig looking at him curiously) "Um, sorry, got carried away by the technobabble."

TONY: "That's it." ((console bleeps & Koenig takes readout card))
KOENIG: "Well, here are the coordinates. Let's hope they're the right ones."
TONY: "Well, if Alpha can do it, so can we."

TONY: "Provided, of course, that size doesn't matter, cos let's face it, we're titchy compared to the Moon..."

Koenig crosses his fingers, pointing forward.

TONY: "Yeah, that's going to be a great help, John..."

180.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

CU Eagle engines fire.
Eagle & derelict move off.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

They pilot.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Eagle & derelict move on.
Eagle & derelict fly to orange globe.

TONY: "What's that big swirly thing?"
KOENIG: "The Production Schedule is breaking down at last!"

181.INT. MEDICAL

Animal 3 brought in on stretcher.
BEN: "At least she's still breathing."
HELENA: "Barely. Maya. Can you hear me? Change now, Maya?"

HELENA: "Okay, then, don't change back. I'd like to see you try to mate with Tony looking like that!"

BEN: "You're not making contact."
HELENA: "She's been this form for nearly an hour. She can't hold it for much longer."
BEN: "She hasn't come back as Maya the last couple of times - what happens if she transforms into something even worse?"

HELENA: "We don't know. The writer hasn't decided yet."

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Warp (split screen) & ships in multiple images.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Warp effect over.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Rolling.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

TONY (picks up spilt coffee on the floor of the Eagle): "They could have warned us!"

INT. MEDICAL

Helena (in surgical gown) mouths 'Maya. You've got to change.'
Animal 3 (warp effect over)

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

INT. MEDICAL

Helena mouths 'Maya. You've got to change'.
Mentor is bed.

HELENA: "Hmm, I didn't know Maya could change into inanimate objects like beds!"

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

KOENIG (as Tony's cup flies past him): "Enough distortion, already!"

INT. MEDICAL

Close on animal 1 in bed.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships.

TONY: "No peace for the wicked, evidently..."

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Rolling steadies.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Split screen & distorted ships. Images slow.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Koenig looks out as warp fades.

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

POV nebula.

TONY: "So, where are we?"
KOENIG: "Um. We're in space."

INT. MEDICAL

Maya, sleeping.

HELENA: "Drat, that potion has worn off. She's beautiful again."

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Warp effect fades over ships.

182.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN (enters & puts on jacket): "Any developments?"
SANDRA: "None."
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle (sc 183)
-Command Centre (sc 184)
SANDRA: "Refuelling Eagle maintaining position."
ALAN: "And they have nothing to report either?"

SANDRA (sarcastically): "Oh yes, they've seen John and Tony and they've all gone off for a drink. No, of course they have nothing to report. I would have told you if they had!"

SANDRA: "Just that they are almost at the point of no return. Are you alright?"
ALAN: "Yeah, I'm fine." ((lights come on)) "Hey. Well. That's something. At least we've got full power again."

ALAN: "It must be the end of the episode at last." (heaves sigh of relief)

SANDRA: "Alan, look. I am getting peculiar readings from the area of the refuelling Eagle."
-Big Screen (SFX): nebula. (sc 185)
ALAN (VO): "There's nothing on the screen."
-Command Centre. (sc 186)
SANDRA: "There is something, Alan. Sensors are picking up an enormous disturbance. Sensor readings increasing in magnitude."
-Big Screen (SFX): nebula. Picture changes to show ships. (sc 191)
-Command centre. Alan & Sandra look (sc 192)
-Big Screen (SFX): ships. (sc 193)
-Alan & Sandra smile. (sc 193)

SANDRA: "At last, someone who can run the Moonbase properly!"

194.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

TONY: "Hey, do you see what I see?"
-Eagle viewport (SFX): refuelling Eagle. (sc 195)
KOENIG (VO): "Do I?"

KOENIG: "'Do I?' Who wrote this crap?"

197.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

Alan goes to a desk monitor.
HELENA (on screen): "Medical?"
ALAN: "Helena. I have a little surprise for you."

ALAN: "I'm planning on challenging John to a duel so I can kill him and have you all to myself."

198.INT. MEDICAL

ALAN (VO): "Take a look at your screen."
-Medical screen: Eagle & derelict. (sc 199)
-Medical. Helena smiles.

HELENA: "Hehe. Just wait until Tony finds out what Maya has in store for him!"

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Refuelling Eagle travels to ships.

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "Break link with derelict."

EXT. SPACE (SFX)

CU undocking.
Eagle rises form side of derelict. (sc 196)

181.INT. MEDICAL

HELENA: "Pulse normal."
MAYA (waking): "Helena...The restraints..?"
HELENA: "You don't need them."

HELENA: "I'll let Tony worry about that later."

MAYA: "But I'm dangerous."
HELENA: "Not any more."

HELENA: "I figure that if you have it off with Tony, nobody will want you anyway!"

BEN: "All life signs stable. The fever's gone."
HELENA: "How do you feel?"
MAYA: "Like I've been riding the tail of a comet for days on end."
HELENA: "We all do."

HELENA: "But now the Production Schedule is just about sorted out, maybe we can get back to normal again."

FADE OUT

EPILOGUE


201.EXT. SPACE (SFX)
CU as refuelling Eagle's front port pod is docked to the rear starboard pod
of Eagle One.

209.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

Koenig & Tony smile at each other ((following not in "Cosmic Princess"))
PILOT (VO): "Refuelling complete, Commander."
KOENIG: "Right, thank you. I want you to tow the derelict back to Alpha."
PILOT (VO): "Yes, sir."

210.EXT. SPACE (SFX)

Refuelling arm swings back & Eagle 1 fires its engines to move off.
(("Cosmic Princess" ends))

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "We're bringing the derelict in."

KOENIG: "We can probably use its part for completely different uses in future episodes..."

205.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

ALAN: "How come you've got the derelict in tow?"
KOENIG (VO): "It's a long story, Alan."

TONY: "It was just filler material anyway."

206.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

ALAN (on screen): "What is it? Is there something special about it?"
TONY (laughs): "Would you believe a friendly alien?"

KOENIG: "We've never met one of those before."
TONY (thinks): "Well, there was... um, no, I can't remember."

208.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

HELENA: "We'll believe anything you say, just - get back to Alpha."
KOENIG (VO): "Right."

TONY: "But we can't do it until the next episode. We're still stuck in this set because of the Production Schedule."

211.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG: "Oh, and have Maya stand by. So she can apply her beautiful scientific mind to reveal the mysteries "

HELENA (to herself): "Beautiful? How dare he call her beautiful! And admiring her for her mind, too -- puh-lease! Next time I change her into a monster I'll make sure she stays that way!"

212.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

KOENIG (VO cont): " of this magnificent marvel."
HELENA: "As soon as she's awake."
KOENIG (VO): "You mean she's asleep?"

213.INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

TONY: "Well how about that. We've been beating our brains out trying to jump back through a space warp and they've been doing nothing back on Alpha but catching up on their sleep."

Pause.
KOENIG: "Well, that was a fascinating speech, Tony."
TONY: "Yeah. Who makes me say these things?!?"

215.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

KOENIG (VO): "Well, you can't blame them, Tony, "

INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION

KOENIG (cont): " if nothing's going on on Alpha the least they can do is get a little relaxation. Right, Helena?"

HELENA: "Oh very funny. Come down here and I'll show you relaxation."

216.INT. COMMAND CENTRE

HELENA (smiling with Alan): "Right, John. Absolutely nothing has been going
on down here on Alpha. We have been all perfectly relaxed."

FREEZE FRAME

AUDIENCE heaves a sigh of relief.

producer Fred Freiberger...

...is pending execution at the hands of the Online Alpha Y1 Committee...

from ITC Television c ITC -Incorporated Television Company Ltd MCMXXVI

still made in 1926, I see.

Andrew Lodge grasshopper

There's a reference for you... Casting session for some movie or other.
INTERVIEWER: "Right, Mr Lodge, if you could go over some of your previous work for us."
LODGE: "Well, let's see. I once played in Space:1999."
INTERVIEWER: "Oh, yes, I remember that series. And what part did you play?"
LODGE: "Um, 'grasshopper'."

music by Derek Wadsworth

at last something good about this episode... albeit only half a dozen lines from the end...

editor Mike Campbell GBFE
sound supervisor Roy Baker
sound editors Peter Pennell, Jack T Knight GBFE
music editor Alan Willis

sound recordist Brian Marshall
camera operator Neil Binney
costume designer Emma Porteous
assistant director Ken Baker
continuity Doreen Soan
construction manager Bill Waldron

make-up Basil Newall, Connie Reeves
hairdresser Jan Dorman, Jeannette Freeman
wardrobe Eileen Sullivan
asst. art director Michael Ford

why did they all bother?

And that's goodnight from them...

And goodnight from me.