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MST3K - Ring Around The Moon

Authors: Jeff Stone, Robert C. Gilbert
Categories: MST3K
Episodes: Set spoof Ring Around the Moon
Show Year: Y1
Rating: PG
Date: 1999
The crew of MST3K are subjected to their worst punishment yet -- the dreaded episode "Ring Around The Moon".
Average Rating: No reviews.

cue MST3K theme

Just when you thought that it was safe
To pick up your email
Here comes another crap pisstake
To make you groan and wail
Yes, Robert G and ol' Jeff S
Who are less funny than Rudolf Hess
Bring to you a brand-new '99
Makes ya wonder why they do this sort of dumb thing all the tiiiime!

"Our target this time, dear friends
Once we've finished this small tune
(la la la)
Is the early Year 1 trip-out ep
Called Ring Around The Moon!"
(la la la)
Some would say that this story
Is tot'lly round the bend
(la la la)
But Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Must watch it to the bitter end!

(whirrrr....Alphan roll call)
Koenig! (Attention all Sections Alpha!)
Doc Russell! (The risk is too great!)
Vic Bergman! (I'm very brainy!)

If you're wondering what it takes to do this stuff
Does it need a Midas touch?
(la la la)
Just repeat to yourself: 'They're sad fanboys
They clearly don't get out too much!"

It's Mystery Moonbase Alpha 2000!

(The Satellite Of Love...Mike is eating a huge sandwich. He notices the readers.)
MIKE: Oh hi, folks, and welcome to the Satellite Of Love. We're just having a
lunch break here, while Crow finishes work on his latest invention.
(Servo enters...he is panicky and flailing his spring arms around)
SERVO: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the robotity! Oh, woe and general despair!
MIKE: Hey, calm down, Tom. What's up?
SERVO: It''s Crow's latest invention. It's got out of control!
MIKE: What is it? It's not that chocolate microwave oven again, is it?
SERVO: No, it's much worse! It's...aaaaargh!
(Servo disappears under the control console...loud crashing noises and screams ensue)
MIKE: Servo! Servo! Speak to me! What's happening!
SERVO: Aaaargh! yourself...not too while you still can! Gaaah!! Flee, damn you!
(Crow enters...he's holding what appears to be a remote control)
CROW: What up, homehuman?
MIKE: Crow, your's got Servo!
(more crashes and wails from Servo)
CROW: Ahhhh, don't worry, he's in no danger. That isn't Servo.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: No, it's my latest invention...the ServopanictronDeluxe GT.
SERVO (OC): RUN!!! They get you when you sleep!! Aaaaargh!
(more crashes)
MIKE: (slowly) The Servopanictron Deluxe GT.
CROW: You got it, bubba. Every home should have one.
MIKE: What IS a Servopanictron 200 Deluxe GT, by the by?
CROW: Oh, it's just a copy of Servo that's pathologically frightened of everything. Thousands of household uses.
MIKE: Such as...?
SERVO (OC): He's lying, Mike! The truth is out there! We're in danger! YOU'RE NEXT! (craaash) Someone help me...the chewing gum stuck under this console is freakin' me out, maaaaaaan!!!
CROW:, they're very handy
MIKEL Crow, don't bother. This is just you being devilishly humourous again, isn't it?
CROW: Ah yes. You found the chink in my armour. Touche, good sir.
(They laugh like English gentlemen)
(enter another Servo...this one appears calm)
SERVO 2: Hey guys. What's the haps?
MIKE: Uhhh...Crow was just ahowing us his new invention.
SERVO 2: Really? Cool. Can I see it?
CROW: Sure. (punches button on remote control) OK, that's taken him off Shit Ya Pants mode...
(ducks down and brings up the first Servo...this one is quivering and battered)
SERVO 1: Oh, maaan, there was a spider down there the size of a nickel. Thank God you...(sees Crow) Aaaargh! Crow is holding me! Keep away!
MIKE: Y'know, Crow, I can't think of one sane use fot this invention.
CROW: Phew, thank goodness; I thought it was just me who thought that. Oh well, back to the drawingboard.
SERVO 2: Wow, *another* me...I can add him to my collection.
SERVO 1 (sees Servo 2): OH MY GOD! They've cloned me! The pod people are taking over!! I'm outta here!
(Mike restrains the frantic robot as Gypsy enters)
SERVO 1: A pinky-purple robot with no arms!!! Oh, the horror!
GYPSY: Uh, fellas, I've got a note here from the readers...
SERVO 1: The readers! Not the readers!!
MIKE: Shut up, Servo!
SERVO 2: I wasn't saying anything.
MIKE: I meant him (ponts at Servo 1)
CROW: How do you pont at someone?
MIKE: (ignoring Crow) What does the note say, Gypsy?
GYPSY: It says: 'This opening sketch is bizarre and unfunny. As punishment for boring us crapless, you are sentenced to watch Ring Around The Moon'. (looks up) Gee guys, I'm sorry.
SERVO 1: Ring around The Moon? Noooooooo! (smoke comes out of his mouth...then he explodes)


(smoke clears...a badly damaged Servo 1 is alone in the control room)
SERVO 1: Hello? Guys? Where are you? (wails) Oh no, they're dead! It's all my fault! I'll go hide in the cupboard.
(opens cupboard to reveal the others)
SERVO 1: Aaaaah! My friends, safe and sound!! I can't take it!!
CROW: This "fear of unscary stuff" joke never gets tired. Heh Heh...(looks sad) Yes well....
MIKE: Great. We're sprung. Now we have to watch the movie!
CROW: Now I remember what the Servopanictron Deluxe GT was invented for! It's designed to explode in terror when bad 1999 eps are mentioned, thus allowing everyone else to run for cover.
GYPSY: All that rubbish, just for a weak joke that isn't funny.
(whoop whoop)
ALL: Ahhh, 1999 time!
SERVO 1 : Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (explodes again)


MIKE: Ooh, eerie Piano music.
SERVO: Sounds like Christopher Cross Meets Kenny G.

View in through view port. Clifford enters and whispers in Tanya's ear,

CROW: Koenig's hairpiece fell off yesterday, in front of everyone in Main Mission. VERY funny, ha ha.

causing a smile, before walking up to the view port. He places his work box on the ledge with some instruments and opens a small hatch in the ledge.

MIKE: Time to check Alpha's vital Pespi dispenser machine.

Over lunar hills a yellow sphere materialises.

SERVO: All together, one more time for me now!
ALL: (singing a la Soundgarden) Lightbulb sun, won'tcha come...and wash away the raaaaaaiiiin..

Close shot: In the centre the image of an eye then appears. It pulsates four times.

CROW: What your eyes look like on cocaine.
SERVO: Say no to rugs, kids.
MIKE: Rugs?
CROW: Yeah. I hate rugs.

Clifford's forehead glows briefly. He shuts the hatch.

SERVO: Oh my Gawd ---- the Mystical glowing forehead man!
CROW: Tharg in 2000AD had a similar superpower. He could kill Lesser Spotted Thrillsuckers with his.

Clifford turns and drops his work box. A few heads turn at this.

CROW: Those toolboxes are fragile!
SERVO: My yoghurt was in there! Crap, now I'm gonna have to spend all day getting acidopholus outta my PowerBook.

He walks across Main Mission to the computer.
SANDRA: "Paul."
Clifford begins typing on a computer panel.
SANDRA: "What is he doing? He doesn't know anything about a computer."

MIKE: Relax, he's just downloading his email.
SERVO: Oh now it's "*A* computer?" Usually it's just "computer!"

PAUL: "Kano. Stop him."
DAVID: "Ted, come away from there."

SERVO: Ted, I love you. Come to my arms.
CROW: Like he is gonna listen to you? Oh Puhleaze!

As David comes up Clifford turns and grabs him by the neck. Slowly his feet leave the floor, then Clifford lowers him and tosses him back, to land and slide along the floor by Paul. Paul leaps onto & over a desk.

SERVO: Why'd he take the time to climb onto the desk just to "Leap" off?
CROW: It's a mystery, my the Sphinx, Stonehege and the enigmatic Walking Cake of San Paolo.
MIKE: Uhhh, anyone gonna suggest we stun him with our lasers? Guys?

He puts his arm round Clifford's neck, but Clifford takes the arm and forces it back; Paul is thrown back against the computer by Clifford. Sandra goes to Paul's desk.
SANDRA: "Commander Koenig! Commander Koenig!"

MIKE: No need to repeat yourself!
CROW: Why don't they just stun him?

Paul goes behind Clifford again and touches his shoulder. Clifford turns to receive Paul's fist across the face. Clifford is unaffected, but grabs Paul by his fist; he holds him, then throws him back to the floor.
Koenig runs up but Clifford grabs his neck & holds him against the adjacent computer panel as he resumes typing.Helena runs up behind & tries to release his arm.
HELENA: "Ted! Ted! Sandra, get security!"
SANDRA: " Security to Main Mission. Security to Main Mission."

MIKE: All right ---- you know how I feel about repeating yourself!
CROW: I'm gonna repeat myself...someone should stun him.

HELENA (trying to tug hand from Koenig's throat): "Ted... Ted...!"
The typing slowly stops and the hand gradually releases Koenig. Clifford looks at his hand.
CLIFFORD (pathetically): ""

SERVO: out my taxes...
CROW: (imitating Koenig):What's...wrong...can' ...the...usual...rate?

He drops to his knees, then forward to lie on the top of the steps. Koenig kneels by him.

MIKE: Hmmm, his back has some lint on it. Very shabby.
CRO: Maybe we should've stunned him before he died.
SERVO: Yep, you should've, look what's happened.
MIKE: Chhhh, I dunno. Some people.

A yellow beam starts to envelop the Moon.

MIKE: A beam from the planet Koolaid reaches out to snare our wandering Moon!

The room is shaken in a yellow glow.

SERVO: They're all doomed!
MIKE: Oh, great...the 'orange light' thing again. How original. Voyager's Return, stand up. Lots of dangerous ornagey stuff in that one.
CROW: Another Time, Another Place...Space Brain had some nasty yellow lights...
MIKE: Orange or yellow light is evil in space.

Beam envelopes Moon.

MIKE: #10 Envelope?
CROW (surfer): Whoooooa, duuude, push that on-vel-ope, man.

Shaken roughly in glow.

MIKE: (Connery Bond) But not shtirred, Moneypenny. And put an olive in it, too, love.

Beam covers Moon.
Being shaken.
The beam extends from the globe and around the Moon.

SERVO: The Moon's getting a UV suntan!

Shaking stops. Helena rises, by Clifford's body.
HELENA (looking at Clifford): "John."

MIKE: No, that's Clifford. I'm John.

KOENIG: "You alright?"
HELENA: "Yes."
KOENIG: "Paul, check out all systems."
PAUL: "This is Main Mission. All sections report. All sections report."
KOENIG: "Switch on the Big Screen. See if we can pick up anything."

CROW: I hear the new season of Ally McBeal is just the COOLEST!

-Big Screen (SFX): the sphere.

CROW: Oh no, Sphere! We're gonna have an hour of Michael Crichton's pedantic, soulless technopap forced down our necks.
MIKE: Hey, steady on, Crow. You liked The Lost World.
CROW: Ah, no, Mike, I actually said "I'd like to never see that film again." Quite a difference there.

-Main Mission: Koenig
-Big Screen (SFX):sphere, with the beam projecting to just above camera.
-Main Mission: Koenig walks behind Paul as he returns to his side

SERVO: Koenig returns to his side? Isn't he already on his own side?
MIKE: Servo, that's crazy. What are you talking about?
SERVO: Mangling English grammar. Loads of fun, and only mildly stupid.
CROW: I'm sold.

-Big Screen (SFX)
-Main Mission: Helena stands & goes to Koenig
-Big Screen (SFX)
-Main Mission:
KOENIG: "You're losing picture."
PAUL: "Picture gone."

MIKE: Damn! I knew buying these Betamax machines was a bad idea.

-Big Screen (SFX): static
SANDRA: "Sir. Scanner shows that the object is not moving. I do not understand. Look at that monitor. It is still getting closer to us."

CROW: How can she tell?
SERVO: She went to blue and white monitor interpretation school.

KOENIG (walks to screen): "Sandra, are you sure of th- ?" ((beat)) "We're locked in its orbit."
PAUL: "Commander. Transmission coming in."
TRITON (a harsh whisper): "Earthmen." ((Pulsation)) "Do not resist.

CROW: I am Prentis of the Hancockian Empire!
MIKE: Ummm, speak up!

You are the captives of the planet Triton."

CROW: On Triton, everyone chain smokes.
SERVO: Er, the planet WHAT?
MIKE: Drydock.
CROW: No, it's Tryhard.

Koenig looks at Helena.

CROW: Gee, that alien voice is weird, but Dr Russell is even WEIRDER!
MIKE: Can we get a hairdresser to fix Martins hair?
SERVO: If it ain't quite gone, comb over, as my Pappy used to say.

The beam rimming the Moon

MIKE: The beam is doing WHAT to the Moon?!!
CROW: Calm down, Mike. This isn't Kenny Everett.


SERVO: The Moon didn't wash it's bath...hence the ring.

screenplay by Edward Di Lorenzo
story consultant Christopher Penfold
moon city costumes designed by Rudi Gernreich
directed by Ray Austin

CROW: LSD supplied by Doctor T. Leary.

Beam around the Moon, projecting from the sphere. It withdraws.

MIKE: The Tritons ran outta quarters for the beam.
CROW: Come on guys ---- is it Ring Around The Moon or Beam Around The Moon?
SERVO: It's more like 'Cheaply Realised Orangey Thing Aimed At The Moon Occasionally'.

An orderly pulls a sheet over Clifford's head and pulls the stretcher out.

CROW: Ah well, better get this one down to the Soylent Green factory. Hoo boy.

PAUL: "Commander. Power failures in sections G six, eight and eleven. All transportation -out."
KOENIG: "What about the Main Power Unit?"
PAUL: "I haven't been able to get through to Anderson."

SERVO: Gerry Anderson?
MIKE: Gerry has the key for the Power Unit, but he's overseas this week and no-one can reach him on his carphone to ask him where the spare key is.

SANDRA: "Commander. I have his report. All Nuclear Generators and Reactors check out but power is operating at only minimum capacity."
PAUL: "Sir, report from Reconnaissance. All but four of our Eagles are damaged. We're defenseless."

MIKE: We could throw Clifford's body at the Tritons, but I doubt that'd scare them.

KOENIG: "Kano?"

SERVO: Yup, I'm defenceless too, sir.

DAVID (comes down from computer): "Computer unable to make any calculations. Insufficient data."
KOENIG: "Try every possible variable."

CROW: Try an all-bean diet for two weeks. Trust me, it works.

DAVID: "Yes sir." ((returns to computer as Koenig walks away))

MIKE: (imitating Kano): x=1,y=2...

SANDRA: "Why did they not destroy us?"

MIKE: Maybe they have, and we're in Heaven now.

KOENIG: "Paul. Try to make contact with them. Use sound, light, radio wave patterns,

CROW: Semaphore flags, Aldiss lamps, helioscopes, smoke signals, whatever...

the entire frequency scale. And tell Professor Bergman to come to my office; Doctor..."
Koenig leads her in.
KOENIG: "Helena, I want an autopsy on Ted Clifford, I want to know exactly what killed him."

MIKE: He died from...being killed!

HELENA: "That might not be possible."
KOENIG: "Make it possible. I want to know what we're up against."

SERVO: (as Helena): and I want a submarine sandwich but you don't hear me bellyaching...

Victor enters.
KOENIG: "What do you know about the planet Triton?"

CROW: Well, there's a simply ADORABLE little cafe on Canal Street, where they make the best garlic tofu paninis in town; and Debbie has a hair salon in the Spanish Quarter, but other than that....

VICTOR: "Nothing. You know their warning was transmitted over every monitor on the base? I've been to Central Computer. It's memory cells have no record of any such planet. Course I haven't checked my own charts yet.

CROW: Oh like your charts are more accurate than the computer?
MIKE: They are...the computer's only a Amiga 500.

But if only we could speak to them."

SERVO: If only we could buy them a Coke, and keep them company.

KOENIG (shouting through to Main Mission): "Paul! Any contact?"
PAUL: "No response, sir."

CROW: I'm shouting into this tin can as hard as I can, but I think the string has snapped.

KOENIG (to Victor): "They must be receiving. Ted Clifford wasn't transmitting classified information for nothing. Well, if they won't talk to us, we'll just have to pay them a visit."

SERVO: Make some cookies, Paul, and we'll have afternoon tea there.

VICTOR: "I don't think it'll be a surprise. I've got a nasty feeling we're being watched."

MIKE: Ooh, foreshadowing...
CROW: Five o'clock shadow?
SERVO: Is it 5 o'clock already?

(The Satellite Of Love...Crow has a pair of binoculars)
CROW: Come on, I know you're out there....

(Mike enters)
MIKE: Hey, Crow. What's happening?
CROW: Attempted first contact, Mike. The time is now.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: As you know, Mike, I'm a member of UFO society MUFON...
MIKE: You are? I thought you said that MUFON was a club for paranoid weirdoes. In fact, that's what you said on The Tonight Show.
CROW: Lies, Mike. Lies fostered by the military-industrial complex.
MIKE: Crow, you wore a "MUFON Sucks" T shirt for eight borrowed $5 off me to get it laserprinted!
CROW: (sighs) So, Mike, they got to you too.
MIKE: Oh forget it. What are you doing?
CROW: Well, the SOL's control room is a well-known UFO hotspot, and I'm hanging round in case one comes along. I have a camera, a saucer spotting book, and a picnic hamper for long waits.
MIKE: I dunno, Crow...UFOs tend to be an outdoor sorta phenomenon...

(As if to spite him, a UFO hovers into view over his flashes green and red lights and shines an orange ray at Mike's head)
MIKE: Y'know, I'm a skeptic, but I don't think it's impossible that one day we might make contact with aliens...

(Crow is staring in horror at the UFO...he's too excited to even move)
CROW: Mhhh...mmmmiiike...looooook....(points)
(Mike looks up)
MIKE: Wow. A UFO. Absolute proof. (clucks tongue) Looks like I owe you an apology, Crow.

(The UFO soars off...Servo enters dressed as a general in the Air Force)
SERVO: Now before you say anything, guys, let me tell you that that was NOT a flying saucer, but a weather balloon. A UFO-shaped weather balloon.
CROW: I told ya, Mike! The big Air Force brass are covering the truth up!
MIKE: Servo, that wasn't a balloon. It was an alien spaceship.
SERVO: I know, Mike. But Air Force policy says that if we want to admit UFOs are real to the public without saying so, we provide a ridiculous explanation for them that's harder to believe than the truth. What you saw, Mike and Crow, was just flaring marsh gas caused by a sun dog, car light reflections on lenticular clouds, the planet Venus and popular singer Mel Torme.
CROW: Hmmmm...maybe you're right, Servo. It could have been anything.
MIKE: CROW?!!! It was a UFO!
(UFO soars back into produces a ray gun barrel and zaps a picture on the wall. It then soars off.)
SERVO: Now, THAT was a misidentified shooting star.
MIKE: Servo, Crow, you are both even crazier than usual.
(Gypsy enters...she has a fishing rod in her mouth)
GYPSY: Guyssssh, have you shhheen my model UFO? The fishing line holding it up shhhnapped, and I think it rolled under the table.
MIKE: That UFO was yours?!!
SERVO: It wasn't a UFO!!! It was a weather balloon!
CROW: No, it wasn't. It was a flock of geese illuminated by the Northern Lights! Gah!
(The UFO soars back into shot, as Gypsy finds *her* "UFO", a crappy paper plate with gold stars stuck all over it)
GYPSY: Ahhhh, here it issshhh...
(The saucer produces a loudspeaker)
CROW: Sorry, I don't listen to freak weather effects!
(The UFO zaps Crow and the others...they emerge form the smoke covered in soot)
(long pause)
SERVO:(firmly) Ball lightning.

(whoop whoop)
ALL: Aaaah, 1999 time!

Sphere, pulsates four times as eye reappears. A flash.

MIKE: Urrrrgh! Put it away, sphere!

Various coloured lights twinkle in darkness. A light screen forms: it show Koenig walking down an Alphan corridor.

CROW: Yeah, baby, work those ankles!
SERVO: The Tritonians are alien peeping toms.

BOB: "We've actually seen it, Commander.

CROW: Ishtar. Worst damn movie I've ever been forced to sit through.

At the base of the brain, in the cerebellum."
HELENA: "Yes. A ball of orange light. Very weak. Pulsating. And then it died out. There was very little brain tissue left to examine. Most of it had..melted."
KOENIG: "Melted?"

CROW: Yes Koeniggie, it had..melted!
MIKE: That's what you get when you leave brains out in the sun, I guess.

HELENA: "The analysis shows that the cerebrum, which regulates speech, hearing, and most important in this case, vision, had expanded to three times its normal size. The neuronal system, which transmits information to the body through the nerves, was functioning at perhaps a thousand times its normal speed. Together, they somehow enabled Ted Clifford to see, and act, as though he were a computer."

CROW: We call this the Bill Gates Effect.

Screen shows Helena speaking silently to Koenig.

CROW: Dammit, how do you raise the volume on this stupid thing?

Koenig puts his comlock on his desk and goes down to Alan.
KOENIG: "Alan. I want a thorough survey. Two zero altitude. See if a landing's possible. You can get closer if you can, but under no circumstances are you to touch down."

MIKE: Crashing into the sphere is OK, but don't land.

ALAN: "These Tritonians, they might not appreciate our looking them over, Commander. I don't think we should wait for them to make the
next move."
KOENIG: "We're taking a look, that's the next move."
ALAN: "Huh, well it's the wrong one, Commander. They've already killed Ted Clifford."

CROW: That's not necessarily true. He may have had a heart attack at that exact moment.

KOENIG (walks to desk): "Those are your orders, Carter. Is that clear?"
ALAN (resignation): "Yeah. Perfectly clear, Commander."

SERVO: If I was pushed around like Alan is, I'd be considering resignation too.

Alan secures his seatbelt by Donovan. He nods at his copilot.

SERVO: Gee, Mr Donovan, I really loved 'Jennifer Juniper'.

ALAN: "Eagle Three to Main Mission, ready for lift off."
Eagle 3 launches.
Screen shows launch.

CROW: It shows lunch?
MIKE: Launch, Crow.
SERVO: Myabe it does show lunch, if it's tuned to a cooking program.

ALAN: "Eagle Three to Alpha."
KOENIG (VO): "Koenig here."
ALAN: "All systems A-okay."
DONOVAN: "Range one zero five and closing."

SERVO: Yep, I reckon That's an Eagle.

Alan & Donovan

CROW: (Singing a la Sunshine Superman): Sunshine came softly through mah window today...

-Eagle viewport (SFX): sphere in distance
-Alan & Donovan
ALAN: "I can see a...kind of a surface."

MIKE: That's good ---- he sees a _Surface_, what's next ---- a plane?
CROW: I can see...a kind of space-like thing out there, with lots of sort-of star stuff.

ALAN (VO): "No sign of activity."
DONOVAN (VO): "Range eight five. Still closing."
Eagle flies to sphere.
ALAN: "Commander, there's a..a beam of light "

SERVO: He should know it's not proper English to use two articles in a row?
MIKE: Why not? It worked for the the.
CROW and SERVO: What?
MIKE: The band from the 80's!

-Eagle viewport (SFX): beam approaches.
ALAN (VO): "being projected from the sphere."
SANDRA: "Sir. Scanner confirms."

CROW: Poor guy. Imagine having the surname Scanner.

Beam projects from sphere.
Ray widens to engulf Eagle.

CROW: Ray? Ray who?
MIKE: Ray Bradbury?

ALAN (in yellow glow): "Commander, I'm going for a ninety degree turn!"

MIKE: Any professional pilot should know that maneuver is not what uses the ship in the most effective manner!
SERVO: Alan is not a professional Pilot.
MIKE: Oh, right.
CROW: No, his only previous flying experience was his Ace Combat 2 PlayStation game.

Eagle moves slightly starboard, but is pulled back along the beam.
ALAN: "It's no go, Commander. I can't get away from the "

MIKE: He can't get away from the interior of Main Mission?

ALAN (VO cont): " light."
KOENIG: "What's their range?"
PAUL: "Three five."

CROW: Three five what? Centimetres? Microns? Be more precise here, Paul!

KOENIG (VO): "Alan. Switch bunk." ((garbled))
ALAN: "Can't hear you, Commander!"
-Eagle viewport (SFX): glare fills screen
DONOVAN (calmly): "Range two zero and holding."
KOENIG: "Switch to automatic, Alan!"

MIKE: If I ever buy an Eagle, I'm getting an automatic. Manual stuckshifts on Eagles are terrible.

ALAN: "The increasing!"
-Eagle viewport (SFX): glare
KOENIG: "You're heading into a force field."

MIKE: The Tritons have obviously sprung a 'Gullible Idiot' trap on our Alphan friends.

ALAN: "Visibility zero!"
-Eagle viewport (SFX)
-Alan & Donovan
Eagle in beam. Beam expands.
KOENIG: "Carter! Carter, answer me!"
DAVID: "It's no use, sir."
Light retracts to the sphere.
Alan & Donovan, overcome.

CROW: The double entendre possibilties of the above line are too obvious to be funny.
MIKE: Too unfunny to be funny, too.

Eagle tumbles back head over heels to Moon.

SERVO: They're doomed!
MIKE: Naw, Alan's on board, nothing bad ever happens to him.
CROW: Eagles have heels? I'd hate to buy shoes for 'em!

PAUL: "They're on a collision course. They're on manual! I can't bring them in."

CROW: (as Koenig) Don't you feel like a toole?

Alan and Donovan unconscious.

MIKE: Alan & Donovan: MTV Unconscious. One night only.

(The Satellite Of Love...Crow has a suit on. Chat show music)

CROW: Good evening, and welcome to 'Possibly, But Probably Not', the show that peers beyond the veil of the unknown and asks the eternal question...

(Servo enters, holding a sock)

SERVO: What's happened to my other sock?
CROW (put out): That is NOT the eternal question.
SERVO: It is for me. Some bastard keeps stealing one of my socks.
(Mike enters, his face blank and zombielike...he has Servo's other sock)
MIKE: (flat tone): Here you go, Servo. Your sock has been returned.
SERVO: You had it?! Why?
CROW: Is anyone gonna listen to me doing my show?
MIKE (ignoring him): My alien masters needed your sock, Servo.
CROW: Servo, you don't even have feet. Why do you need socks?!
SERVO (ignoring him): You have alien masters?
MIKE: Yes. The Tritons. They need socks to survive.

(an orange glow appears over Mike's head)

MIKE: Urrrgh! I'm being turned into a computer!
CROW: This would be great for my show. Can I interview you, Mike?
MIKE: No, I must go and type gibberish on this keyboard...

(goes to computer...begins banging away at lightning speed)

CROW: This is cool! What's he writing, Servo?

(Servo looks at the screen)

SERVO: Looks like...yeah, it is. It's the new John Grisham novel.
CROW: Mike is John Grisham?! He's kept that quiet.
SERVO: No! He isn't Grisham...the aliens are. They're writing though him. He is...(ominous tone)...their unwilling tool!
CROW: This explains much. (turns to camera) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you saw it here first. Now you know why John Grisham books are so mind-numbingly boring, yet are hugely popular. Aliens from the planet Triton are ghostwriting them though Mike, and are using mind control to get people to buy them!
SERVO: The fiends.
MIKE: The aliens say it's 1999 time now.
(whoop whoop)

ALL: Ahhhh, 1999 time!
MIKE: I told ya.

PAUL: "Should land close by, about seven hundred metres."
KOENIG: "Rescue and Medical Units stand by."
PAUL: "Sir, there's no way to get to him."

SERVO: Don't be daft man..

KOENIG: "We'll walk."

CROW: Or shimmy, if I happen to feel funky at the time.

Eagle belly flops on the lunar surface, ploughing up dust. It slides to a halt.

SERVO: Alan's last name should be Crater, not Carter.
MIKE: Nick Tate in...Sliders!!!
CROW: That's awful, Mike!
MIKE: Not as awful as Sliders...

PAUL: "They're down."
Sandra smiles.
Riker Smirks.

CROW: Riker?! William T Riker, handsome and usually bearded first officer of the USS Enterprises D & E?!
MIKE: Yeah, he was in Year 1 of 1999, didn't you know?
SERVO: His scenes were cut in the SF Channel reruns.

Five astronauts, led by Koenig and Helena, leave the airlock (a gravity tower beyond), and the door shuts behind them.

MIKE: Don't let the airlock bang yer ass on the way out!
CROW: Why did you say that?
MIKE: It's compulsory to put a "ass and door" gag in everything these days.

The astronauts bounce down a rocky slope. Their boots kick up lunar dust.

CROW: Yes, this is definitely music to fart by!
MIKE: Lemme guess. The Tritons will kidnap or mind control one of them while they're exposed and out in the open.
CROW: They didn't need Clifford to be out in the open. So why bother?
SERVO: Yeah, but this way they get to reuse the expensive lunar surface set.

PAUL (VO): "Commander, this is Morrow."

CROW: Vic Morrow?
SERVO: He got his head cut off by a helicopter rotor blade, you know.

KOENIG: "Yes, Paul."
PAUL: "I've got their exact location. North east six hundred metres."
KOENIG: "Mathias?"
Bob looks at a monitor screen, showing in split screen Donovan and Alan. He then walks to pick up his comlock.
BOB: "Donovan is dead, Commander Carter is still alive."

CROW: Since when is Carter a Commander?
SERVO: Since last week, when he won the Alpha Bobbing For Apples competition.

SANDRA (curiously): "Paul. Malfunction in scanner systems." ((he goes to her)) "They've all gone dead!"
DAVID: "It's no accident, Paul."
PAUL: "An attack. Commander."

CROW: I think 'Well, duhhhhh' sums up this bit quite well.
SERVO: I mean, the Tritons were being perfectly friendly up till this point, huh?
MIKE: Melting people's brains and threatening the shocked onlookers is the traditional Tritonian way of saying let's be pals', clearly.

KOENIG (stops): "Yes, Paul."
PAUL (VO): "They've jammed the scanner systems. They're up to something. It might be a missile attack. You'd better get back here."

MIKE: If you don't take charge, we'll all go to pieces and start blubbing like little children.

KOENIG: "We're more than half way there. We'll go on to Carter's ship. I don't want to risk getting caught in the open. Alright, let's go."
They run off.

MIKE: This bit was cut by the SF Channel too. Half the story's missing!
CROW: Not so much a ring as a moth-eaten half-circle around the Moon, after all these niggly edits.

Sphere materialises with a pulsation over the lunar hills.

SERVO: Hi there! Anyone need their brains melted?

HELENA (uneasily, pointing): "John."

MIKE: No, sphere. John is over there.

Sphere over lunar hills.

CROW: Sounds like a collection of Scottish bagpipe tunes.

KOENIG: "Take cover!"
They race up a low mound at the foot of a gravity tower. Helena, last of the group, is struck by the light, and a yellow glow forms around here. The others drop to the ground. Koenig then bounds back.
KOENIG: "Helena! Stop! Helena!"
The light swallows her, and Koenig is thrown back by an explosive sound. The others run to Koenig, on the ground, and roll him onto his back.

CROW: They done gone and tooken her!
MIKE: If there's any justice in the Universe, they won't give her back...

A bright light forms and Helena materialises from it. The light fades from her forehead. She is now in a gold robe.

MIKE: Tonight, live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, it's Elvis Russell!

TRITON: "Do not be afraid, Doctor Russell. Enter."
Coloured lights twinkle around her.

CROW: The Tritons obviously come from a planet where disco lighting is a naturally occurring phenomenon.

KOENIG (suddenly sitting up in bed): "Helena!"

MIKE: It's time for my bedtime story!

HALF SECOND CUT: Helena in darkness.

MIKE: Why did they show Helena?
CROW: I dunno. Maybe they're reminding the audience that she's still in the story?

VICTOR: "It's alright. John. It's alright. Alright."
BOB: "Easy, Commander. You'll be okay."
Koenig (uniformed) puts his face in his hand. Victor walks to the end of the bed.

CROW: Koenig (uniformed)? Who's that?
MIKE: That's his nickname. Hes always in uniform, you see...

VICTOR: "John...ah... They've taken Helena."

CROW: to the movies. They're seeing The Blair Witch Project.

HALF SECOND CUT: Helena in darkness.

MIKE: Helena keeps trying to make a videophone call, but the quarters run out after only half a second.

Koenig uncovers his eyes and walks to the central length of shelves, knocking something over. Victor walks up behind.
KOENIG: "Do we have power?"

SERVO: No, the lights are being run by a team of glow worms. YES, OF COURSE we have power, you moron!

VICTOR: "Yes, all systems are working now."
KOENIG: "We've got to get through their forcefield somehow."
VICTOR: "What, without knowing their energy source?"
KOENIG: "What if we -modify one of our Eagles? Double the power of our anti gravity shields. Triple it, whatever the hell it takes."

CROW: Hell, why don't we just send them an angry letter?

VICTOR: "I don't know, it might work, I couldn't give any guarantees."

MIKE: Normally, he gives a money back one on his predictions. Had to pay out heaps when his 'We'll get squished by the black sun' prediction went bung.

KOENIG: "Work on it, Victor."
VICTOR: "Alright."
KOENIG: "What about Carter?"
BOB: "He'll make it."
KOENIG: Good. And the copilot, Donovan?"
BOB: "Dead."

MIKE: His condition is stable, however.

VICTOR: "Now, they planned it, John. They just wanted to get Helena out there alone."
KOENIG: "No. I don't think so. Why take Clifford? There's no connection."
BOB: "Maybe Doctor Russell is their hostage."

SERVO: Perhaps they like people with double letters in their surname?

KOENIG: "For what reason? The way they killed Clifford. That shockwave, -locking us in orbit. No. Whatever they want from us in return...they could simply...just come and get it."

MIKE: OK, all together now!
ALL (singing a la Badfinger): If they wanted it, here it is, they could take it!

HELENA: "Who are you?"

CROW: I am Prentis Hancock, picking up two paychecks by whispering into a tape recorder.

TRITON: "We are of the planet Triton."
HELENA: "I am from the planet Earth."
TRITON: "We know."

SERVO: We know an awful lot of things. We're frightfully clever!

HELENA: "Then you know we mean you no harm. We need your help."
TRITON (as Helena seen from all angles): "No, Doctor Russell. It is you who shall help us. We are the eyes of the planet Triton.

MIKE: We want you to be the spleen of the planet Triton. Clifford was going to be the gall bladder.

Everything that is, has been and will be, is recorded by us. For this purpose, you are to be our servant."

SERVO: We'll pay you a generous salary, you can use one of our cars and you get every second Thursday off.

KOENIG: "Alan?" ((Alan wakes in bed)) "How d'you feel?"
ALAN: "Oh, fantastic."

SERVO: Great!
CROW: Excellent!
MIKE: Couldn't be better!
GYSPY (enters): Way to overdo the irony, fellas.
ALL: Hey, Gypsy!

KOENIG: "What about your instruments? Did they indicate anything?"

SERVO: Well, the tuba didn't indicate nothin' and the Xylophone was completely silent, if not for the Squak of the bagpipes as I inflated them we'd have been in total silence!

ALAN: "No, not a thing. Just the light. It just -kept getting brighter. Sounds crazy. A force field, made of light."
KOENIG: "That's exactly what it was."
ALAN: "Lucky for me Morrow brought us in."
KOENIG: "Morrow, he..?" ((pause)) "You switched on to manual. He didn't land your ship for you. You were at the controls."

MIKE: It's amazing you even hit the Moon, let alone lived.

KOENIG: "Eagle anti gravity shields fifty per cent power."
((presses button))
Eagle flies on.

CROW(singing a la Beatles): Eagle flyin' in the dead of niiiiiight...

Victor watches over the shoulder of a woman at her desk.

SERVO: Hmmmm, the readings on your, the SCREEN...are most interesting.

ALAN: "Range one zero zero."

CROW: Err, one-er zero-er zero-er.


CROW (a la Monty Python): Number 23...the Eagle. The Eagle.

Victor watches girl working.

MIKE: Yeah, GIRL! Just keep your gold boots movin'!
SERVO: Cool injoke, there. Pity no-one else'll get it.
CROW: Girl? How many 8 year old slaves do we have here?

KOENIG: "We're gonna stay on manual, Paul."

CROW: (as Paul) That's me "Paul 'Toole-stoole' Morrow!"
SERVO: Such venom, Crow. It was not Prentis's fault that he was given the acting ability of a cheesecake.

Victor looks up from the girl and walks to Paul. Beat.

CROW, SERVO & MIKE: "Beat on the brat, beat on the brat, beat on the brat with a Base-Ball bat!"
GYPSY (enters): Hey, guys! Careful with the violent talk! Kids may be reading this...the humour is suitable for 8-10 yr olds, anyhoo.
ALL: OK, Gypsy!

PAUL: "Very good, sir."

CROW: (muttering) Stupid Koenig, thinks he knows it all...

Eagle and sphere.
KOENIG: "Scanner reading?"
PAUL (VO): "You're clear, Commander."
They hear a new sound.

CROW (singing a la Scooter in Muppet Show): There's a new sond! Way down in the ground! It's the sound that's made by worrrrrms!
MIKE: (as Alan) [thinking] I've never heard that sound before.
SERVO: (as Koenig) So what's new?

KOENIG: "Anti gravity shield full power."
VICTOR (VO): "It's too soon, John."

CROW: I can't marry you now...I'm still young, and I need tiome to think it over.

CROW: (as Koenig) Well I'm in charge here, and you're not, so you are gonna do it MY WAY!!!

Koenig presses a button.

SERVO: Excuse me while I microwave my burrito.

A blue cone forms around the Eagle nose cone.

CROW: If I was a NZer, I'd make some obscure cannibis joke about 1999 viwers "pulling cones" while watching this show...but I'm not, so I won't. Sorry.
SERVO: My, what pretty colours!

-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle, with blue cone on nose, travels to sphere.

MIKE: Ahhh, isn't the Eagle's new make-up lovely!

Main Mission: Victor hears computer bleeping & goes up to David at the computer.

CROW: Ah, my pornographic pictures of Judi Dench have finished downloading from the Net.


ALL (singing a la Eagles): Take th' more tiiiiiiiime...

ALAN: "Velocity seven point five. Range."
-Eagle viewport (SFX): sphere approaching.
ALAN (VO): "Five Zero."
-Koenig looks round.

MIKE: This ep is stupid! How can I escape from it?

ALAN: "Range...three five. Velocity eight point three. Velocity eight point five. Vee..eight point seven."
Eagle travels on.
Sphere fires ray.

CROW: That's it 'Ray', you're Fired!
CROW & MIKE: (laughing)

Beam forks off in two as it hits the Eagle nose cone force field.

SERVO: Oh, it forks off into two? Not spoons off...
CROW: I wish that sphere would just fork off, man.

Victor watches David type into computer & take a readout.

CROW: OK, John, Kano's solved Tomb Raider 3...he says you need the Third Key of Ganisha to get past Level 4.

Sphere projects beam.
Eagle field splits the beam.
ALAN (under strain): "Vee...nine point one."
KOENIG: "Victor, -it's working! We're getting "

MIKE: High?
CROW: The flu?
SERVO: Jiggy wit' it?

KOENIG (VO cont): " through!"
Victor pats David on the shoulder & leaves.

MIKE: Good dog.

Eagle splits beam.
Sphere projects beam.

CROW: Beam splits, after seeing no-one's turned up.


CROW: Hello, I am John Koenig.

The strain suddenly increases on Koenig.
KOENIG (with effort): "They've -reversed...the force field...Carter...Cut the engine!...Cut the engines!"

CROW: He's switched to Shatnerspeak.

Alan stretches to the switch.

SERVO: It's...the amazing Rubber Eagle Pilot Man!

Sphere as beam retracts to it.
KOENIG: "You've got to switch automatic!"

SERVO (a la Pointer Sisters): No way to control it! It's totally automatic!

Alan stretches from his seat, his fingers over the buttons.

CROW: Gotta...reach...the mute button....

KOENIG: "Carter..cut the engines!" ((Alan strains forward)) "Alan."

CROW: (as Alan) I'm trying you Kangaroo, besides I don't see you doing much ---- even though the Engine switch is closer to you!
SERVO: Being Commander means never having to push your own buttons.

Small Eagle.

CROW: (making baby voices) Lookie at the lil' Eagle?
MIKE: The Eagle Jr...only from Burger King. It just tastes better.

Victor with Paul, looking at each other tensely.

CROW: Bet I can keep my eyes open for longer than you, Paul!

Alan is suddenly flung back in his seat.

MIKE: Damn invisible pilot's airbag!

Small Eagle travels on.

CROW: Small Eagle? I thought all the Eagles were the same size?
SERVO: Nahhh, some are Coupes.

Koenig reaches forward.
Small Eagle speeds on

SERVO: I guess this is the small Eagle.
CROW: Well, it's an Eagle, yeah...
MIKE: And it is small, so yes.

Koenig reaches forward & touches the button; he suddenly relaxes.

CROW: Oh man, I hit the Automatic Valium Gas button.

The Eagle flies over the small sphere, its speed abated.
Alan unconscious; Koenig unconscious.

SERVO: Elvis, unconscious in his bedroom at Graceland, as this ep plays on 28 of his TVs.

Eagle returns to Moon ((clip from 'Breakaway'))

MIKE: Whoa, Space: 1999 using stock footage! That's rare!
SERVO: Well, actually, Year 1 has a few over-reused shots and reused spaceships...not that I'm trying to be a pedant...
MIKE: Thanks for spoiling my line, Servo.
CROW: Could be this time into Battlestar Galactica's first ep, you'd just about seen all the FX for the entire show!

VICTOR: "Sandra. Anything?"
SANDRA: "No visual or audio contact."
VICTOR: "How long now?"

CROW: That's a rather personal question, Professor.

PAUL: "Minute five."

MIKE: Or five minutes, whichever you prefer.

Eagle travels towards revolving Moon horizon.
SANDRA (as bleeping starts): "They are coming back."

CROW: No shit Sherlock!

VICTOR (leaving screens under Big Screen): "Any audio?"
TANYA: "No sir."
PAUL: "Commander Koenig. Commander."
VICTOR: "Have you still got them on automatic?"
PAUL: "Yes."
VICTOR: "Can you get them down?"

MIKE: God, enough with the questions!

PAUL: "I'm switching them over to the remote control system." ((he types))
DAVID (pulling out readout from computer as Victor joins him): "Eagle One under Main Mission control."

MIKE: You mean you wasted that piece of paper to print "Eagle One under Main Mission control?" What do you think we have ---- forests just waiting to be harvested?
SERVO: There are heaps of trees on the Moon, so they can afford to waste paper.

Koenig and Alan unconscious.
Paul sits. Pan over faces of Tanya & Sandra to screens, bleeping.

MIKE: What's bleeping? Tanya and Sandra, or the camera?
SERVO: The screens, I think. Hard to tell.

Eagle lands.
DAVID (rips off readout; to Victor by him): "Eagle One touch down."

CROW: Another tree wasted, and for what ---- "Eagle One touch down?"
MIKE: Well, it says more than that. It also tells you your bank balance and what he stock markets are doing.

Sandra relaxes; Tanya smiles at Paul. Paul stands & walks up to computer. A buzzing starts.

CROW: OK, who cut one?

SANDRA: "Paul, -quick!" ((Paul goes to her)) "The scanner is picking up another object."
Small globe approaches Moon horizon.

SERVO: Lightbulbs of the Gods!

Paul looks at Sandra's desk, then heads back to his own, passing Victor.
VICTOR: "What is it?"

MIKE: It's a desk!

PAUL: "No idea."
Small globe approaches & hangs over Alpha.

CROW: Hmmm, where to land, where to land? So many choices!

Astronaut waits as door opens. It reveals Helena standing outside in her suit, head glowing in a yellow aura.

MIKE: Behold the power of...Oxycise!

(The Satellite Of Love....all is dark. Suddenly, a spotlight blazes into life, illuminating Mike. He is wearing a gold dressing gown, Disco lights of many hues flash on and off.)
MIKE: What the Sam Hill?
VOICE (whispering): Greetings, Earthman. We are of the planet Triton.
MIKE: Hello. I'm of the, well, I'm not of any planet anymore. I live in a satellite with some robots.
VOICE: You have been selected for a great purpose, human.
MIKE: I have? Cool. It's not applying suntan lotion to Shania Twain, is it?
MIKE: Damn. Oh well, what's the plan then?
VOICE: You are to return to your Satellite and do our bidding. You will be our eyes and ears.
MIKE: So, in a very literal sense, I'm all ears?
VOICE: Do not mock the Voice Of Triton. You will obey!
MIKE: OK. Tell me what I have to do. And tell me where you got this way-cool dressing gown from.
VOICE: The Triton K-Mart had a special- (angry)...cease these distractions!
MIKE: So, tell me what I have to do, already!
VOICE: You are to lure your robot friends into the control room and then...
MIKE: Yeah?
VOICE: And then...
VOICE: Force them to accept all your money and snack foods!
MIKE (suddenly suss): Uh huh? Just fork out all my dough and Pringles to them? Just hand the stuff over. In fact, I should throw in some videos, too. Right? And my secret Space: 1999 love Viewmaster-reel montage of Maya?
VOICE: That is correct. Only through divesting yourself of your cash, your vaguely soft-core-porn Viewmasters and Reese's Pieces can you help us achieve our enigmatically vague and esoteric ends. Do not question, obey!
(short pause)

MIKE: Crow, is that you?
VOICE: NO! (Servo's voice) It's me, actually. How'd ya guess?

(The darkness is banished by the normal lights. Servo is standing by Mike, his claws on the controls of a disco light machine. A digital distorting mike is an inch from his mouth, on a 'Madonna' headset.)

MIKE: It wasn't hard. You've been trying the old 'alien mind control' ploy to get hold of my secret snack food/Maya picture stash since the early weeks of the George Bush Administration. Remember the Great Reticulan Onslaught you faked in 1990 in order to get hold of my Gummi Bears stockpile? And the invasion of the bodysnatchers you tried to pull on me by dressing Gyspy up as my identical pod clone? Gypsy is eight feet tall and purple, with no arms, for Pete's sake. Not much of a match for me, guys.
SERVO: It's a good plan. I managed to trick Whitley Streiber into handing over ten thousand boxes of Cracker Jacks...(does Voice voice) Whitley, I am a Grey! Hand over your snacks and your DVD player or I'll put a BB in your sinus cavity!!! (normal voice) Works every time.
MIKE: You know what'd be ironic right now? If the REAL aliens turned up and made you do something to atone for your impersonations.
SERVO: Yup, that'd fairly drip with poetic justice...

(long pause...Mike and Servo look round and hum...nothing happens)
MIKE: Oh well, looks like it's a no-show. Care for some Reese's Pieces?
SERVO: You know I do, girlfriend!

(they leave...a second later, Crow appears. He is (badly) dressed as a bug-eyed Martian. Eerie 50s electronic music)
CROW (terribly obvious fake alien voice): TOM SERVO! YOU ARE COMMANDED BY THE ROYAL COUNCIL OF KOOZBAIN TO REPENT FOR YOUR TAKING OUR NAME AND VISAGE IN VAIN! (looks round; normal voice) Where've they gone? Took me ages to make this outfit.

(Gypsy enters)
GYPSY: Hi, Crow. Nice costume.
CROW: (alien voice): I AM NOT CROW, HUMAN!
GYSPY: Human? I'm a robot like you, Crow.
GYPSY: Wanna split Mike's snack stash with me? He left half a Snickers on the air conditioner, and I've vacuumed the fluff off it.
CROW (excited): Do I?!!

(whoop whoop)
CROW: Damn, 1999 time!
GYPSY: I'll save you a piece!

ing): "Probably because we know too much."

MIKE: What happened to the rest of that sentence?
CROW: An orange light appeared over it, and it just...melted...
MIKE (Koenig) Melted?

BOB: "Blood pressure's normal, eight over a hundred and twenty. Bone marrow count. Sugar. Everything checks out."

CROW: Sugar? Blood sugar is a priority at a time like this?!
MIKE: Yeah. Alien mind control is the #1 cause of diabetes these days.

Helena starts to walk, but falters, swaying. Koenig goes to hold her shoulders.
KOENIG: "You alright?"

MIKE: Yeah, I just drank too much embalming fluid last night.

HELENA: "I...I just..felt faint for a moment. My equilibrium's off, did you, ah, check my middle ear?"
BOB: "Yes, it's perfect."

SERVO: It's the most beautiful inner ear I've ever seen.

HELENA: "Wait a minute."
She goes to the central shelf unit. Koenig glances at Bob,

MIKE: You've been looking at her inner ear? Only *I'm* allowed to do that!

then follows.
She takes three pens: yellow, red and blue. She places them alongside each other and raises the central red one.

CROW: Welcome to Novel Writing, Live From Wessex!

BOB: "How many do you see?"
HELENA: "Two." ((she raises it again & looks at Koenig)) "I should see four." ((to Bob)) "Did you check my optic nerve? Come on, Bob, tell me."

SERVO: OK, shucks, I admit it. You've got a whacking great 'ALIEN ON BOARD' sticker stuck to your retina! Happy?!

BOB: "Well, I can't explain it. But from all're blind."
KOENIG: "Well, obviously she's not blind."

MIKE: Obviously?

BOB: "Obviously."

SERVO: Obviously?
CROW: Obviously!!!
GYPSY (enters): Isn't that a Pet Shop Boys album title?
CROW: Nope, it's, actually.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: No, Actually.
SERVO: Well, obviously.

KOENIG: "Do you have any explanation?"
HELENA: "Only one. Ted Clifford."

MIKE: "Why can Helena see when she's blind? Ted Clifford." Well, call me a hidebound traditonalist, but that's a rather strange answer to that question.
SERVO: It works for other questions, too. For example: why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? Why, Ted Clifford, of course!
CROW: I see what ya mean. (louder) What is the meaning of Life?
ALL: Ted Clifford!

VICTOR (chewing as moves round his room)

CROW: Bergman Chews...for the working Bergman who doesn't have time to have breakfast.
SERVO: Normally it's Martin Landau who chews the scenery, not Barry Morse.

: "Ah, another interesting account. In the Pyramid Texts of the Old Kingdom.

MIKE: The one with Tom Cruise on the cover, and the interview with Tom Jones.

But here they're called 'the eyes of heaven'. Seems our friends got about a bit."
HELENA (seated, feeling head strangely): "I talked to them. I told them...we meant them no harm and that we needed their help."
KOENIG: "You saw them?"
HELENA: "No. I only spoke to them. To a voice anyway."

CROW: So, the Triton Sphere is basically an alien Burger King drive-thru?

VICTOR: "We know one thing about them. They can decompose atoms. Reduce an object to its atomical components, pure energy, transport it through space and reassemble it in another place. That's how they got you from here to there."

MIKE: Why didn't he just say 'teleportation'?
CROW: That's how they do it in Star Trek, too!

KOENIG: "Back on Earth they've been working on that process for over fifty years."
HELENA: "With machines.

SERVO: And sometimes with spaghetti.

They do it with light."
VICTOR: "Yes, but what sort of light? And how?"
HELENA: "When I was in the sphere I wasn't wearing my space suit."
VICTOR: "Oxygen!"

MIKE: That's what hydrogen needs to make the compound called water!

KOENIG: "The Tritonians might just be humanoid."
Flashing lights.

CROW (a la Austin Powers): It's my happening, and it FREAKS ME OUT, baby!!!

Sphere. Eye appears. A light forms in it & flashes.

CROW (singing a la Alan Parsons Project): I am the eye in the sky! Looking at yoooooou!
SERVO: You can tell Jeff listened to lots of easy-listening prog rock in his youth, huh?
MIKE: What did Robert listen to?
SERVO: Mainly digital watch tunes, and some of Roger Whitaker's more speed-metal-influenced singles. Especially 'Eat My Brain, Durham Town'.

Victor screws up a piece of paper and turns.

CROW: Damn! Will I NEVER win Lotto?!!

Koenig is leaning over a table.
VICTOR: "John."
Koenig turns to see Helena staring blankly forward.

SERVO: How is that different from any other time?
CROW: This time Barbara Bain's DELIBERATELY being wooden.

A pulsation is heard & a yellow aura forms over her head.She turns & starts to the door. Koenig throws the paper ball at her: it explodes into flames.

CROW: Oh good work, John! Try something a bit more deadly, like soap bubbles or Ezi-Cheez!
SERVO: Hey, ya gotta admit it's a more efficient way to get rid of paper than just chucking it in a garbage bin.

Helena continues on: the yellow glow strengthens, then is gone, with Helena. Koenig steps forward, hesitates, them opens the door with his comlock. He looks out & then back at Victor.
VICTOR: "They've activated her like Clifford. She must be going to Computer."
KOENIG: "Notify Paul. Noone's to try to stop her." ((leaves))
VICTOR (activates comlock on his belt): "Paul? Bergman here."

SERVO: Ah, we've allowed yet another alien menace to wander the base unmolested through our own stupidity and lack of forethought. Try and throw some Security Guards it's way, there's a good chap?

Comms post screens flash 'Red Alert'.

MIKE: Aw come on! Those Red Alert signs are just stencils put over a red TV monitor!
CROW: What I'd like to know is who gets the job of replacing the stencils every time the Red Alert isn't one anymore. Muust be a tough job.

Helena walks past. Koenig follows.
Track both of them on, passing comms posts.
PAUL (VO): "This is Main Mission Control to all sections Alpha. Attention all personnel. Do not approach Doctor Russell. Repeat. Do not approach Doctor Russell."

MIKE: Do not sell her any Amway products, or attempt to show her the wisdom of Krishna through a series of free booklets.

A guard backs to the other side of a comms post as she passes. He starts to follow her, but Koenig puts his hand in front of him to indicate he stop.

SERVO: Sit. Stay. There's a good extra.
CROW: (as guard) [throws tantrum] I wanna come too!

Helena walks up to a Travel Tube and evaporates before it.

MIKE: Whoa, she's made of candyfloss!

Helena appears in an aura before a door. She passes a service man.

MIKE: Maytag! Check your appliances?

A guard is by the closed Command Office doors. An aura appears and from it Helena materialises. The guard starts to her, but Koenig enters through the office doors.
KOENIG: "Don't touch her! Nobody touch her!"
Helena walks to the Computer.
Screen shows Helena typing.

CROW: This scene expecially for Petter Oegland.

Helena types.
KOENIG: "What's the Computer transmitting?"
David walks to the Computer and takes a readout.

SERVO: Ah, the cheats for Metal Gear Solid, a pancake recipe and the complete lyrics to 'HMS Pinafore'.

DAVID: "Memory Cell Three Seven One classified, the complete breakdown of our life support system."

CROW: Another race wants our Life Support System? Remember in THE BETA CLOUD? Hmmmm?
SERVO: That's not for ages yet. The Freiberger regime is but a crappy cloud of crapoid crapola on the horizon in these early days. The majesty and alien beauty of Testament Of Arkadia, War Games, The Last Sunset, Collision Course, Another Time Another Place, Black Sun....all were yet to come...a great time lay ahead-
SERVO: Did that 'all' include me?
CROW: Yes, strangely enough.

KOENIG: "Can't you stop it?"
DAVID: "Only if you stop her."
VICTOR: "The Computer's not transmitting. Helena is."

MIKE: She's a radio antenna? Cool, See if she can pick up Classic Hits FM.

Koenig walks up to watch Helena's typing. She stops, and staggers back against an adjacent computer bank, looking confused.

CROW: Why did I ever agree to be in this crazy show? Sheesh! I must've been mad!

Sphere with eye pulsing.

CROW: Arrrrrgggghhhhhh! (Goes crazy and dives through one of the windows of the Satellite of Love.)
SERVO: What an odd reaction. (goes crazy and jumps out the window after him)
MIKE: We have windows in the theatre? Wow.

(The Satellite Of Love. Crow is doing a jigsaw puzzle.)

CROW (staring at mass of pieces) : Dammit, where are you?!
(Mike and Servo enter)

MIKE: Hey, Crow. Have you seen my Snickers bar?
(Crow has chocolate smears on his bowling pin mouth)

CROW: Nope, sorry.
SERVO: Whatcha doing? We were gonna blow up some dead spy satellites in orbit with us with the laser cannons. Wanna come?
CROW: No, you go ahead. I'm doing this puzzle.
MIKE: Not the Ring Around The Moon puzzle again?
CROW (defensively): Yeah, as it happens. What of it, huh? Huh?
SERVO: It's just that you've tried that puzzle, I dunno, 110 times or so, and you still haven't got it.
MIKE: 112. I checked. (has a large folder, marked SPACE: 1999 JIGSAW COMPLETING CONTEST RESULTS) 112 times. You're slipping. If Servo finishes his War Games jigsaw puzzle by 8pm tonight, he'll win the contest. The Ring Around The Moon one you have has only 50 pieces, so it can't be THAT hard!
CROW: I know. I just can't find her nose.
SERVO: Whose nose?

(Gypsy enters)
GYPSY: Mine?
CROW: No, Dr Russell's! This puzzle seems to be missing the pieces for Russell's nose. I think Mike ate them by accident when we had that fondue party last week.
MIKE: Yeah! I remember now! Never have jigsaw puzzle pieces been more cheesily delicious. (sighs in fond recollection)
SERVO: You're a sick man, Mike Nelson.
(long pause)

GYPSY: I'm bored.
MIKE: Yeah. Me too.
ALL: (general assent)

MIKE: So...what's up with you guys now, huh? Bowling? Or PlayStation?
SERVO: Yeah, I dunno, maybe. Gypsy's got Spyro 2...
CROW: We could use the escape pod and go back to Earth.
GYPSY: We have an escape pod?!!

(whoop whoop)
CROW: No, we don't. Sorry. Thought it might add suspense to inject false hope at a critical moment.
ALL: Shut up Crow, it's 1999 time!!!

VICTOR (leaning back in chair): "Now,as it is, she has a hundred and thirty two hours, that's five and a half days. That gives us some time."

SERVO: Actually, it gives *Russell* some time. You're OK, Victor, your brain isn't being melted by an alien!
MIKE: If gooey brain matter starts coming out of Helena's ears, I'm leaving.
ALL: Ewwww!

KOENIG (seated): "They exhaust the memory cells? What then? They won't need any of us."
VICTOR: "They don't need any of us now."

MIKE: No, not now they have: LION Insurance! Insurance that lets you be independent! Call 0800 LION now for our prospectus on Triton Mind Control Insurance!

KOENIG: "Then why don't they just come and get it over with?"
VICTOR: "Perhaps...they can't leave their sphere."

SERVO: Maybe they've locked themselves in, and the door-key is on the Moon.

KOENIG: "That's it. Something's preventing them."
VICTOR: "They're limited in some way. A weakness."

CROW: A fondness for Viennese pastries, perhaps...

KOENIG: "Everything they've done has only shown their advanced intelligence.

MIKE: Hmmm, does it really take an advanced intellect to put one past these people?

No-one's actually seen them. I mean not even Helena."

SERVO: Not even...THEMSELVES!! They're that secretive!

VICTOR: "No, but we've been thinking of them as people. What if they're not?

CROW: What if they're sentient pizzas?

What if they're simply an intelligence with no physical form?

SERVO: You mean, like the executive board of MicroSoft?
MIKE: MicroSoft is run by bodiless space brains?!!
CROW: Oh yeah. Last week's NewsWeek had a story on was titled 'Microsoft is run by bodiless space brains'
MIKE: Inventive.
CROW: And STILL cheaper per issue than Time, if you order a subscription!

They're just as trapped as we are."
KOENIG: "No. More so. We can still move. We can still get to them."

CROW: And we have the power to get killed doing so! They don't!

VICTOR: "We can't blast our way through their force field."
KOENIG: "No, but maybe we can bend it a little."

MIKE: I'm afraid now that Bender from Futurama is gonna pop up.
CROW: Activate Force Field Benders!

Close on thermographic plate, marked 'Dr Russell'. Bob lowers it.

SERVO: This is the album cover for Metallica's next CD, 'Dr Russell'. Classy, eh?

BOB: "There it is, Commander. That ball of light. Just like Ted Clifford, except it's stronger, more alive.

CROW: So, Ted Clifford was a ball of light? Bizarre.
MIKE: Mangle that colloquial English grammar, baby!
CROW: Thank you. I shall.

The same with her cerebrum and her optic nerve. Now, once Doctor Russell is activated this ball of light enables her to see...well, like a high speed camera."

SERVO: I don't know why everyone's getting annoyed about that. Once all this blows over, they can rent Dr Russell out to weddings and birthday parties as a HandiCam. She'll make a mint!

KOENIG: "They needed her there to implant it. That's why it didn't work on Clifford."
VICTOR: "It's there link!" ((Koenig goes to him)) "Through Helena, they're connected to our Computer."

CROW: So...Dr Russell is but a firewire data cable in the hands of these evil alien disco-light enthusiasts.
MIKE: I wonder if you can record off DVDs onto VHS tape using Helena as the connector...

KOENIG (looks at Helena, asleep in bed): "A human conductor."

SERVO: No, that's Helena.
MIKE: A bus conductor.

BOB: "Commander. She can't take much more."
Koenig looks at her.

CROW: Sorry, Babs, we promise that next week's ep'll give you more lines.


MIKE: Act 4: The Voyage Home.


CROW: We now enter the love boudoir of Professor Victor 'Sex Machine' Bergman!

VICTOR (adjusts glass sphere): "Now what do they want from us really?

MIKE: They want...our LUPINS!!
ALL (singing a la Monty Python) Triton Sphere, Triton Sphere, zooming through the night...

Information. Our knowledge, that's all. They're a sort of -reconnaissance team, sent out into space to gather information and then transmit it back to Triton. That's all. We did it ourselves with our deep space probe ships."

SERVO: The ones that didn't malfunction because the builders were using two different measuring systems, anyway...
CROW: Or the ones that used an obscenely dangerous drive system that no-one thought would malfunction, yet did with depressing regularity...

KOENIG: "Then Triton does exist?"

MIKE: No. The aliens are just joking. They're actually from Spokane, Washington.

VICTOR: "Mm. Did exist. No, this -position of this mythological planet does correspond to our -galaxy charts and I've checked it myself a dozen times, even through computer. But, Triton is dead, John. Blew up. Disintegrated."

CROW: Wasted. Creamed. Blagged. Smashed into little bits with a hammer.
SERVO: Hang on. If Triton exploded ages ago...
MIKE: Hmmmm....
SERVO: And it's not in the Computer memory banks, as mentioned before...
CROW: Yessss....
SERVO: How come Victor knows where it is and has it on his own maps? Aren't Computer's maps better than ones on paper? Clearly not. That beggars belief!
CROW: Maybe Victor has a 'Mythological Planets' map. That'd come in very handy in well over one occasion.
MIKE: Yes, and how come they knew the planet was called Triton? Does it say on Victor's map..."PLANET TRITON. BLEW UP YONKS AGO. DON'T ASK US HOW WE KNEW THE PLANET'S NAME"? How did they even know it was a *planet*?!!
ALL: (sigh)

KOENIG: "So it's possible whoever programmed Helena and killed Ted Clifford doesn't know their planet no longer exists. If I can convince them their mission is obsolete they might release her."

CROW: Or I could offer them some money to keep her.

VICTOR: "Unfortunately we're running out of time. I mean Helena's been activated six times in the last twenty four hours. She's not going to survive another five and a half days. No. They've miscalculated on their weakest link."

SERVO: The script's logic?

KOENIG: "She's not their weakest link, Victor."

MIKE: No. Link Hogthrob, captain of the USS Swinetrek, is.

((On a glass board draws a circle -the Moon- and a smaller circle right -the Triton sphere-. Draws a line from sphere to Moon))

CROW: Don't tell me he's gonna play Hangman at a time like this?!

"The circuit runs from their computers, -to the force field, -around us, " ((circles Moon & returns to sphere. Then a line from field to a small circle in Moon)) "- to Helena, " ((another small circle)) " -to Kano." ((returns line to sphere))

MIKE: To Paul, then to Tanya, then to the coffee machine in the Mess, then back to Paul, then then back to the Computer, then down a drainpipe, out through a window, and over the hill, where it ends up in a crater.

VICTOR: "And back to their computers. Right! So it's all up to Kano -to jam Computer. We can't touch Helena, but we can break the chain."
Victor pulls a lead on the glass sphere & it explodes with a pop.

SERVO: Now why did he do that?
CROW: It's his way of ending sentences. For instance: 'I think I'll go get a doughnut - BANG!'. If he wants to use a question mark, he makes a farty noise with his lips.

KOENIG (entering with David & Victor): "You tested it?"
DAVID: "Only once, but it worked. When I jammed Computer the force field was turned off for three point two seconds."
VICTOR: "Listen. You won't even get off the ground."
KOENIG(walks on up stairs): "I'll need at least fifteen minutes."

MIKE: He's off to the toilet now, by the sounds of it. Gah, first Hangman, now a comfort stop. This guy doesn't take anything seriously!

DAVID: "Thirteen minutes ten seconds from lift off to getting through the force field, which of course won't be there."

SERVO: How can you get through something that isn't there?

KOENIG: "You get me the thirteen minutes?"
DAVID: "Plus ten seconds. It's easy. Like jamming a typewriter."

CROW: Or having sex with a Kennedy.

KOENIG (to Helena, sat on bed): "Three keys locked together is not the same as locking them all.

MIKE: No. It's more like locking all of them than just locking three.

When Kano was experimenting, he only jammed one circuit. Now he's set up enough memory cells to cause an overload in twenty five key circuits.

SERVO: These circuits control Alpha' cable TV system, so anyone who was looking forward to WCW Wrestling tonight is gonna miss out.

It'll take computer thirty two seconds to clear each of those circuits. Which will give us the time we need. Thirteen minutes. When the Computer jams, the force field will shut down just long enough for me to get through, with a few seconds from launching."

SERVO: Of course, after the overload, Computer will be totally wrecked and Alpha's life support and heating will break down, but we'll tackle those problems when we get to them. Or rather, YOU will. We'll be in space, safe in our warm, air-endowed Eagle.

HELENA: "Even if it works, what can you do when you get there? How will you get inside the sphere?"

MIKE: We've got a search warrant.

KOENIG: "The same way you did. Helena. I don't think they know their planet no longer exists. If I can convince them of that..they may release you."

SERVO: Or they might kill me the minute I get there. It's hard to say.

HELENA: "But there's no time pattern, I'm activated at random."

CROW: Sounds like a couple of Gary Numan song titles.

KOENIG: "Helena, please. Victor and Kano have worked out the details. All we need now is for you to go through with it."

MIKE: They had to beat her to get her to agree? Hell.
CROW: Look, Helena, you have two choices: go ahead with our very risky plan, which involves having your brain melted, or not, in which'll have your brain melted. Your call.

HELENA: "I don't have any choice, do I?"

CROW: Didn't I say that already?
SERVO: Crow, they can't hear you. This is TV, right?
CROW: Show me a person who hasn't talked back to the TV, and I'll show you the Loch Ness Monster!
SERVO: I don't. Show me.
CROW: No. He's sleeping in my fishtank.

Eagle raised to surface pad, by a moonbuggy.

CROW: That must be one hell of a powerful moonbuggy. The normal ones have about as much horsepower as a drunk kitten.

Koenig secures his seatbelt & presses a key.

MIKE: SPROING! Dammit, why is the seatbelt release button so near the launch controls?!!

Four guards sit.

MIKE: Like guards to the slaughter.
CROW: Welcome aboard Cannon Fodder Airways Flight 666. We'll be serving cyanide capsules in a moment, and our inflight movie is 'You're Headed For Certain Death', starring David McCallum and Joe Piscipo.

KOENIG (VO): "Stand by. The moment Doctor Russell is reactivated, we lift off."
Sandra taps her yellow pen on her desk nervously.

MIKE: Oh, I hope this pen doesn't run out! This is my last one, unless I nick one of Paul's when he isn't looking.

Victor & Paul look up at the screen.
-Big Screen (SFX): the sphere, with a dark patch where the eye would appear

CROW: The sphere's wearing an eyepatch?
MIKE: Maybe the Tritons are having a pirate theme party.

-Main Mission: David, taking a readout from the clock panel, looks up at the screen and back to them.

SERVO: Yup, the readings conform it...that's a clock alright.

-Big Screen (SFX): the sphere as the eye appears, then the light in the pupil
Helena walks along, round a corner.

MIKE: This is the scene that won Barbara Bain that Special Oscar.

The light increases from the sphere.

CROW: I'd hate to have their power bill.

Helena stops & looks forward blankly.

SERVO: Barbara Bain's version of 'Method acting'.

The yellow aura forms on her.

MIKE: Ah, this brings to mind the life-support belts of Star Trek: The Animated Series. Ever see that, guys?
CROW: Er no. This is just an excuse to mention Star Trek: TAS, isn't it?
MIKE: Guilty as charged. Jeff is that show's only fan!
SERVO: He thinks the first Trek film is the best one of the whole lot, too.
ALL (general murmurs of pity)

Victor is musing by the office doors

CROW: Hmmm, how DO you solve a problem like Maria?

as an aura forms.
David pulls him out of the way before Helena materialises.
PAUL: "Commander. Doctor Russell's been reactivated."

CROW: Permission to panic and let her run amok, sir?

Koenig & Alan.
PAUL (VO): "Lift off."
Eagle launches (starboard to tube).
Two screens under the Big Screen show the Eagle launch (port to tube). Paul & Victor look at each other.

MIKE: Did I ever tell you that I think bald men are very sexy, Professor?

Helena types.

SERVO: How Space Invaders was created.
CROW: She reminds me of a caffeine-raddled university student trying to write a 200-page essay on a book s/he hasn't even read, twenty minutes before it's due.
MIKE: Nahhh, she's not typing fast enough.

Screen shows Helena typing, Victor beyond.

MIKE: You've heard of Batman here comes Victor Beyond!
CROW: The Bald Avenger! Faster than a person older than him! Able to solve helical calculus problems in a single bound!


SERVO: I used to get that magazine.
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: Eagle. DoomLord was cool.
MIKE: How about Dan Dare?
SERVO: Ugh, Dan Dare. Hated him. Aryan Pinhead of the Spaceways!
GYPSY (enters): Guys, the readers are complaining. Stop going off on silly tangents, huh?
ALL: Hi, Gypsy!
SERVO: I'm a tangerine octopus.
GYPSY: THAT'S what I'm talking about! The readers are getting bored!

Koenig & Alan pilot.

CROW: What, both together? How does that work?
SERVO: Well, Alan steers and Koenig goes 'brrrm brrrm' occasionally.

Eagle travels to sphere.

CROW (singing a la Sinatra): Fly me to the Sphere! Please don't melt by brain!
MIKE (ditto) We'd appreciate it if you don't ever sing that song again....
CROW: Philistine.

They start to be shaken.

MIKE: Huh, turbulence. And me with a milkshake in my pocket.

-Eagle viewport (SFX): the sphere.
-Alan & Koenig.
ALAN: "Force field eight zero. Seven zero. Six zero."

SERVO: Isn't that Boeing's new jet? The 7060?
CROW: X 2 0! Land agent of the almighty Sea Emperor Titan!

Victor is by David, studying a readout from the clock panel.

MIKE: Great. Another ten minutes and I can sod off for lunch!

Victor then starts up towards Helena.
ALAN (VO): "Force field four zero. Three zero."
KOENIG (VO): "Kano, how are we on time?"

CROW: We've got a few bottles left in the cellar.

DAVID: "Any moment now."
Favour Koenig.

CROW: Koenig Flavour? What are we seeing here, potato chips?
MIKE: No, FAVOUR Koenig. I favour him, don't you?
SERVO: I prefer the Liberal Democrat Party.

-Eagle viewport (SFX): Triton sphere fills the port.
Favour: Alan, Koenig, Alan, Koenig shielding his eyes, Alan shielding his face from glare.

SERVO: Come on, guys! Who are we s'posed to be favouring here? Make up your mind!

(The Satellite Of Love...darkness. Then lights up on Mike and the bots behind the console. They are each dressed in business suits.)
MIKE: Hello. Welcome to this very special informercial...
SERVO: Buy our shares! Buy lots of them! NOW!
MIKE: Servo, don't be so blunt. We have to convince the readers...
SERVO: Nuts to that! Ya gotta hit the punters hard! With brutal honesty! Show me the money, as Jerry McGuire might say!
CROW: Ignore him, readers. We're here today to offer YOU the chance to invest in this Ring Around The Moon parody...
SERVO: Give us money! Lots of money! Do what we say! (solemnly) Resistance is futile!
MIKE (sternly): Servooooo...for just $1 a share, you can buy a piece of this pisstake.
SERVO: We're offering you a piece of piss! Pay up!
CROW: Servo, have you been sniffing chlorine again?
MIKE (going on regardless): You'll not just be getting a chance to invest in this highly profitable spoof, you'll be getting an opportunity to have your say as regards what jokes we should use!
CROW: If you want more jokes about carrots, then buy shares and make your opinion known. Or if you want less jokes about retired Albanian Marxist politicians, the Russo-Japanese War or model trains, stake your claim and you can ensure this happens! It costs so little, and offers so much!
SERVO: This is a scam! Don't invest in it!
SERVO: Oh whoops, I was rather *too* honest there, huh?
MIKE: Just a shade too truthful, yes.

CROW: So, with that cat out of the bag, we might as well go back to selling lemonade...I'll get the jug (leaves briefly, returns with jug)
MIKE: Pity that there's only the four of us up here. There ain't many buyers...oh well. (sighs happily)
(sets up "our Gang' style lemonade stall, complete with bad signs and capital Ss round the wrong way. The only odd difference is an EFTPOS terminal.)
SERVO (holding cups): Yeah, but selling lemonade isn't just a job,'s an adventure!

(Mike and the bots nod solemnly)
MIKE: Before we get going, anyone know how we manage to get fresh lemons up here in space, when there are no trees on board?
SERVO: I must confess...we've been using lemon Tang all this time. There WERE no fresh lemons! (hefts bag of Tang powder onto spills slightly, and orange crsytals go everywhere.) Cunning, huh?
MIKE: Really? Whoa. And how about that hamburger I had last night?
CROW: Made outta Play-Doh. We ran out of frozen meat patties and burger buns three weeks ago. Even the pickles were faked...we used carved-up pencil erasers for those.
MIKE: I hope eating that much Play-Doh is healthy. It *was* tasty, though.
SERVO: That's cos it was flame-grilled, not just fried!
MIKE: Is *any* food on this ship real anymore? I'm starving...I need to eat food that is what it seems to be!
CROW: Yup, the microwave noodles and the pea soup are real. We've got loads of them, baby!
SERVO: Enough to last us eight years, in fact.


MIKE: Any Play-Doh left?

(whoop whoop)
ALL: Ahhhh, 1999 time!!

KOENIG (VO): "Now! Kano, now!"
David activates.

CROW: OK, OK, I *have* been paying attention, Victor...
SERVO: Main Mission job rules insist on there being a 'Now speaker' on duty at all times. It's the 'Now speaker's job to say 'NOW' when guns need to be fired or computers need to be overloaded or whatever, no matter how much prior warning the rest of the crew already have.
MIKE: You're a mine of trivia, Servo.
SERVO (modestly): I try.

Alan & Koenig in glare: it dies.
-Eagle viewport (SFX): the sphere fills screen.

MIKE: Voyage To The Far Side Of The Beach Ball!

The computer lights die & Helena staggers; Victor catches her.

SERVO: Helena's crashed. Victor'll have to reboot her and reinstall Windows 98. Where's that damn CD ROM?

The Eagle moves close to the horizon of the sphere & disappears into it.

CROW (at the moment the Eagle vanishes, a la squelchy noise): Spllllllurk!

The screens under the Big Screen are filled with static.

MIKE: That blue squiggly thing that always pops up when we lose contact is back, Professor.

PAUL: "Visual contact lost. Commander Koenig. Commander."

CROW (a la Max Heardoom): C-c-c-c-c-c-commander.

Koenig's arm still covers his face. The cabin suddenly darkens.

MIKE: The timer on the sunlamp's run out, Alan. Put another quarter in it.

Eagle flies in darkness, navigation lights lit.

SERVO: Carter and Koenig touch down at LAX, in what might some say are more than normally smoggy conditions.

Koenig uncovers his face & looks out.

CROW (singing): On a cleeeear can see Triton....

The screens still show static.

MIKE: Static TV. All static. All the time.

PAUL: "This is Main Mission, come in, Commander Koenig."
Helena & Victor are sat hand in hand on the steps to Computer.

CROW: Why are they holding hands?
MIKE: They've just decided to go 'steady', I think.
SERVO: They might be forming a crude "human battery" in order to power the systems if the Tritons cut the base's reactors.
MIKE: Huh?! Servo, no more chlorine parties for you!
SERVO: It's not mine, officer. I just live here.

Koenig & Alan look at each other.

SERVO & CROW (as C & K in unison): Is my hair OK?

Eagle descends & lands in complete blackness: no surface is visible.

MIKE: Yup, that's LAX alright...or Pittsburgh...or O'Hare...

KOENIG: "Eagle One here. We're inside the sphere."

SERVO: It's cool! They have waterslides and DVD players and everything!

PAUL: "They're through."
DAVID (removing circuit board from computer): "Naturally."
HELENA (quietly to Victor): "Is it over?"

CROW: Yes, I have removed the circuit board. That action is over.

VICTOR: "Not yet. You'll be reactivated in a few minutes. But,..for the last time."

MIKE: Paul wants to use you to steal cable.

DAVID (putting circuit back): "Paul. Information on Triton is in place. Doctor Russell. Now you can only transmit what we want them to know."

SERVO: The complete episode guide of Beyond Westworld, the order of battle of French forces at Agincourt, dessert recipes and a Melissa Virus. Oh, and a picure of a Zeppelin.

KOENIG (VO): "Computer's all set?"
PAUL: "All set, sir."

CROW: You betcha bippy, baby! This thing couldn't be more all set, I'm tellin' ya.

KOENIG: "Right. Stand by." ((cuts link & releases seat belt)) "Well, I was never one to turn down an invitation."

MIKE: Especially ones that I don't get, like this one.

ALAN: "Neither was I."
KOENIG: "No, Carter. You stay with the ship.

CROW: Only me and cannon fodder allowed, pardner.

If we're not back in ten minutes, fifteen at the most, you blast out of here." ((leaves))
ALAN (resettling in seat): "Right, sir." ((takes seatbelt again))

SERVO: If I get bored, I could always secure these seatbelts to something, so they actually WORK...

Koenig enters to find the four guards assembled. One is taking a helmet, named 'Glinton'.
KOENIG: "You won't need that."

CROW: Your name isn't Glinton anymore; it's now Boggy Windrush VII.

((leads them to door)) "Alright."
Door opens & they walk down the steps into the blackness. The door shuts.
Their stun guns drawn they advance, Koenig leading, his arm out, feeling the way forward.

MIKE: Day Of The Triffids...the lost scenes!

DAVID: "Get ready."
Victor stands by Helena. The Computer lights come back on. The aura forms from Helena's head and she rises and walks up to Computer to start typing again.

MIKE: Right now, somewhere, Petter Oegland is watching this very bit...
CROW: It's a good bit, I'll say that much.
SERVO: I'm looking forward to Tony Verdeschi's first beer joke, personally.

Koenig feels their way forward. Three pulsations and a ring of light forms around Koenig. With a crackling the guards disappear.

SERVO: I'm not surprised that happened; I *was* expecting at least one of them to last slightly longer than a minute, though...

Realising he can do nothing he walks on.

CROW: Isn't walking doing something?
SERVO: You incorrigible repeat-offender grammar-mangler, you.

He sees the screen, showing Helena typing, and Victor walking up beyond. He extends his hand, but cannot touch the screen. He looks behind him, but when he turns back the screen is gone. He advances.
TRITON: "Welcome, Commander Koenig."
KOENIG: "Who are you?!"

MIKE: I am the person who just said 'welcome' to you.

TRITON: "We regret the deaths of your people, Clifford and Donovan."

CROW: Your crude code of morality still regards the unprovoked forced takeover of sentient life and it's subsequent destruction as a crime. You have much to learn, humans.

KOENIG: "I'm sure you do. Why don't you show yourselves?"

MIKE: We're in bed.

TRITON (as eye appears): "We -are -here."

SERVO: We have sent you one of our scary eyeballs to talk to you.

KOENIG: "Surely I'm no threat to you."
TRITON: "That is correct, Commander."
KOENIG: "You knew we would jam our computer."
TRITON: "That is correct, Commander. We have been watching Earthmen for many of your Earth centuries.

MIKE: Your instinctual drive as a species to jam computing devices is a factor we have researched in depth.

We rank them a very primitive intelligence.

CROW: Far below whales, and slightly above Ronald Reagan.

We could easily have prevented you from leaving your base."
KOENIG: "Except you need me. Doctor Russell will not live long enough. I am to replace her."

SERVO: Kinda makes your brave mission of rescue to save Helena rather pointless if you already know you'll just be captured and used as a mindless zombie for the rest of your short existence.

TRITON: "The death of Doctor Russell is also regrettable, but necessary."

MIKE: We considered dropping her from the show already, but Gerry Anderson won't let us kill her character off.

Victor leaves Helena, going to the desks.
KOENIG (VO): "If we're of such primitive intelligence why do you seek our knowledge?"

SERVO: We lost most of our knowledge when our hard drives crashed.

TRITON (VO): "For when Earthmen "
TRITON (cont): " decide to invade our planet."
KOENIG: "Triton is two million light years away!"
TRITON: "Time is an illusion, Commander Koenig."

SERVO: They're logical machine beings, yet they can't grasp the logical fact that destroying a species that won't be a threat to Triton for many billions of years, given it's present technology level, is pointless...
MIKE: Yes, in billions of years both Triton and Earth would no longer exist. And most oddly of all, these powerful logical beings never tried, in all these years that the Probe's been out there, to contact Triton to find out if the plan to kill humans was still on...

KOENIG: "Not to us,and not to you. Because your planet no longer exists. I can prove it."

CROW: I have flashcards and a small video presentation, if you'll indulge me.

VICTOR (reaching Paul): "Right, stand by."

SERVO: Stand by what?
CROW: (singing a la John Lennon): So come on, Morrow, Stand! Bah me! Ooooohh, me...

TRITON: "We do not wish to destroy your men, Commander, or you. We will, if it is necessary."

MIKE: They don't want to harm the Alphans, yet their mission is to destroy Humanity. Do *any* of the aliens' plans make sense?

KOENIG: "It won't be necessary. Because I can prove to you that Triton no longer exists." ((uses comlock on belt)) "Victor?"

CROW: Quickly, tell me how I can prove Triton still exists. I'm pressed for time here, so make up something FAST!

VICTOR: "She's setting the computations now."
Starfield appears on screen.
KOENIG: "This is Triton's galaxy. You acknowledge?"
TRITON: "We acknowledge."

CROW: Yes will do.
MIKE: That's not a galaxy.

KOENIG: "This is Triton's star system."
Starfield appears on screen.
TRITON: "We acknowledge."

SERVO: Quit saying "We acknowledge".
MIKE: Nor is that a star system. More like a star group.

KOENIG: "This is Triton's Universe."
Starfield appears on screen.
TRITON: "We acknowledge."

SERVO: Give it up guys.
MIKE: Nor is THAT a Universe...a galactic cluster, maybe...

KOENIG: "This is Triton's sun."
Starfield appears on screen.
TRITON: "We acknowledge."

MIKE: WHICH ONE?! There are about ten in that one picture!

KOENIG: "Calculations and confirmation you're receiving now are coming through Doctor Russell. You can check them." ((a rumbling begins)) "They will prove beyond a doubt -"

SERVO: No! Not logic and common-sense forethought! The only things that can kill computers!

KOENIG: "-that your sun exploded, that Triton, and the other planets in your solar system, have been destroyed. Triton no longer exists. Your function is discontinued. And release Doctor Russell and my men!"

CROW: Buy me a house and a new Home Theatre system, and pay off my gambling debts while you're at it!

TRITON (twinkling sounds increase): " longer...functional.."

CROW (straining): Please...insert...coin...

Alan (camera pulls back & in).

CROW: (Batman scene transition noise): Diddla diddla diddla duh!
MIKE: (Captain Scarlet transition noise): Dum-dum-dum duh duh-duh dum!

Much irregular flashing.

SERVO: The Tritons have no shame.


CROW (straining): Wipe...out...debt...raise public spending...

Part of surface of sphere explodes.

CROW: You see that? Part of the Sphere surface just exploded!
MIKE: I know. I saw it too.
SERVO: As did I.
GYPSY (enters): I didn't!


SERVO: Dial 0900 Alan to talk to me NOW!!

A blue ring forms around Koenig & the guards reappear.

MIKE: Behold! The dreaded Security Guard Returning Ray!

Explosion on surface of sphere.

CROW: You see that? There was another explosion on the sphere surface!
MIKE & SERVO: Shut up!

KOENIG: "Follow me, this way!"

CROW (singing): We're off to flee the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Triton!

Explosion in blackness (inside or in space?)

CROW: I dunno. Why ask us?

Door opens as they run up.
KOENIG: "Come on, what are you waiting for? Come on!" ((they race in))

SERVO: Sorry sir, it's just that we're not used to surviving...

"Strap in. Ready for lift off."
Another explosion in space.
Bubbling chemicals.

MIKE(Bela Lugosi in Glen Or Glenda?): Man's constant graspink of things unknown...

(The Satellite of Love...Crow is holding a PlayStation controller, the wires of which trail out from it and are plugged into Servo. Crow is wildly tapping the buttons, and making grunts of concentration)

CROW: Nearly there! How you doing, Servo?
SERVO: Oh, can't complain. I can't; my complaint circuit's been bypassed.

(Mike enters; he stares at the scene)
MIKE: I'd say "what are you doing", but I suspect I'll regret it.
CROW: Not now, Mike! I've nearly clocked Servo!
MIKE: Clocked Servo?! Clocked, as in 'finished the game'?
CROW: Yeah...using Tritonian technology, I've sped up Servo's processors. He's now a PlayStation. Cool, eh?
SERVO: I also play music CDs. Listen. ('Blitzkreig Bop' by The Ramones briefly blasts out of Servo's chest.) Now THAT's a good party trick, baby.
MIKE: He's now a PlayStation?
CROW: Yes. Is there an echo in here?
MIKE: Yes. ("Yes" echoes into distance)

CROW: Oh, OK. Trouble is, I can't remove the Tritonian control program without beating the game I'm playing. Until then, Servo is (Tritonian whisper) my instrument. (normal voice) The game's Tomb Raider III.
MIKE: TR 3! No-one's ever clocked that! Not even God! And especially not Servo! He's jinxed game machine-wise.
CROW: Yes; when we had that Nintendo 64, it took him ten days to figure out how to START GoldenEye 007...
SERVO: You think you're worried? I'm the one who's having to put up with Lara Croft jumping round in my brain non-stop! Not that that's totally a bad thing, mind you...(gasps) Hell, Crow, that was close. You nearly fell off that elephant!
CROW: Sorry.
MIKE: How can you see what's going on? There's no screen!
CROW: Ah, yes...well, it certainly makes the game challenging if you can't actually see what you're doing. But, it's better than cheating.
MIKE: (exasperated at the foolishness of this endeavour): Cheating?! Crow, come on, buddy. Can't *Servo* tell you what to do?
(the robots pause)
SERVO: That's a good idea. It's kinda like cheating, but... (sly voice) but I LIKE IT! Fiendish, he heh. No-one will ever know! (rubs claws in devilish glee)
CROW: Yeah. Thanks, Mike! It'll be easy peezy now!
(Mike sighs)
(Gypsy enters)
GYSY: Crow! I've looked up my cheat book, and it says that if you push the Triangle button three times, then hit Start and the + button at the same time, THEN bash Servo on the bubble with a mallet, you can skip to the end of the game.
CROW: Cool! Thanks, Gypsy!
MIKE: A mallet?! You sure, Gypsy?
GYPSY (looks in book): Yup...ooh, and a landmine as well.
SERVO(whimper): Mummy...
CROW: Think nice thoughts, Servo, this won't take long.
Crow does the cheat move...whacks a landmine onto Servo, then bops him with a huge rubber mallet. Servo is knocked out of camera shot by Crow's mighty malletblow. There's an explosion, bits of polysterene fly everywhere. Crashing sounds off camera, fading to a low moan from Servo, and then silence)
(long pause)
MIKE: Did it work?
(Servo stumbles back into shot...he's battered and missing his bubble)
SERVO: Yes. Can someone help me find my bubble? It fell off.
MIKE: Ah, just use one off the spare gumball machine.

(whoop whoop)

ALL: Ahhhh, 1999 time!

VICTOR (going to Helena): "So far so good. You alright?"
HELENA: "Yes. John?"

MIKE: No, Victor. Koenig's on the sphere.
CROW: Done that crap joke already.
MIKE: Whoops.

VICTOR: "We don't know if he got out."

SERVO: And hey, we don't CARE!

PAUL: "The instruments show the sphere is breaking up."
VICTOR: "What about the force field?"

CROW: The forcefield is helping the sphere over it's trauma.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: The sphere's emotionally shattered after it's break-up with it's girlfriend.
SERVO: What a bizarre joke.
MIKE: That was a JOKE?

PAUL: "It's lost it's power."

CROW: It needs...(advert voice)...Personal Power III by Tony Robbins!

SANDRA: "Visual contact."
-Big Screen (SFX): surface explosions (silent)

MIKE (old codger): Ah, back in mah day, we only had silent explosions in films! None of this new-fangled sound malarkey!

-Main Mission: they watch.

CROW: We watch them watching.
SERVO: Is anyone watching US?
MIKE: And if not....why not?

-Big Screen (SFX): more explosions.

SERVO: I'll bet the Tritonians are kicking themselves for keeping all their bombs and nuclear warheads in the walls of the Sphere!

-Main Mission: Helena.
-Big Screen (SFX): Eagle appears & flies from sphere. Explosion behind it.

CROW: The sphere's already smashed, but Koenig had to have his moment of glory and drop a bomb on the wreckage. Cheh, I dunno.

Whole sphere explodes.

SERVO: Alan Skywalker and Han Koenig have destroyed the Day-Glo Death Star!
MIKE & CROW (humming Star Wars theme)


CROW: Captain's logue. Hur hur.
MIKE (wincing): Croooow! That hurt!

BOB (looking into Helena's eye): "I just want to satisfy my curiosity. Hmm."

CROW: I wanted to see if you had a pixie in your left eye.
MIKE: Yes; you still have eyes. I can confirm that 100%!

HELENA (lying on bed): "What is it?"
BOB: "You have a lovely optic nerve, Doctor Russell!"

CROW: Y'know, I've use that chat-up line in bars, and you hasn't worked once.
MIKE: Romance is dead nowadays, Crow...

HELENA: "Thank you, Doctor Mathias." ((he bows))

SERVO: I point the top of my head at you in acknowledgement.

Koenig & Victor walk aside to shelves.

CROW: MoonBase Alpha has a supermarket?

KOENIG: "Why so pensive, Victor?"

MIKE: I just swallowed a paperclip.

VICTOR: "Oh, I was just thinking about that planet, Triton. All that knowledge. And yet- . Perhaps knowledge isn't the answer after all."
KOENIG: "Then what is?"

ALL: 42!!!!!!


(The Satellite Of Love...Mike and the bots)
MIKE: That's it, then...another 1999 watched. What did you think, guys?
SERVO: Ring Around The Moon, I thought, is a compelling, often insightful examination of how logic can ultimately lead to irrationality.
CROW: One is reminded of similarly near-omnipotent self-aware computer beings, like V'Ger in Star Trek: The Motion Picture...
MIKE: Hmmm, one is indeed. But, as Kirk and his team learned at the end of that adventure...(does Spock voice) not enough. (normal voice) The Triton's downfall was in learning, but not KNOWING. And it is only by knowing that we can transcend the limitations of logic and find deeper meaning...

(Gypsy enters)
GYPSY: Guys, you've bored the readers into a narcolpetic coma. Just say what you really thought and let's go get some burritos!
MIKE: OK. Ummmm...the aliens were good.
CROW: I liked the typing.
MIKE: So did Petter Oegland.
SERVO: He did, you know. he loved it.
ALL: Bye for now!

The end, thank God.

Copyright (c) 1999. Reprinted with permission.
Space:1999 is (c) 1976 by Carlton International Media.
All stories are the property of their respective authors.

Database last modified in 2018.

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