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Alien Emotions

Authors: Kelly Mewes
Episodes: Set after The Dorcons
Crossovers: Red Dwarf
Show Year: Y2
Rating: PG
Date: 2003
A Red Dwarf - Space:1999 crossover based shortly after The Dorcons on Space:1999 and The Polymorph in Red Dwarf.
Average Rating: 3.0/5 (based on 1 reviews)

On Red Dwarf

Dave Lister the last human alive sat on the bottom bunk with a curry and a can of extra strong lager. Watching Dragonball Z with the cat on the top bunk eating popcorn. Faint mumbling could be heard from the next room where power hungry hologram Arnold Rimmer was revising for his 12th attempt at the astro-navigational exam. Holly, the ships dim-witted computer activated the Red Alert signal.

"What is it, Holl?"

"Well... we're about to go through a worm hole Dave"

"How come you didn't find it earlier?"

"Well the thing about a wormhole is it's black right, and the thing about space you know your basic space colour is that it's black. So how are you supposed to tell?"

"An IQ of 6000 ey?"

"Here it comes"

The giant red ship was thrown around as it hurtled down the wormhole. About two minutes later it had stopped.

The cat had fallen off the top bunk. "Ma hair is messed up! Ma clothes are creased! I'm a wreck!!" He ran out of the room screaming hysterically. Lister is covered in chicken vindaloo. "So come across anythin' Holl?"

"Yeah, Guess!" He lowers himself and a light is shone on his baldhead.

"A moon?"

"Not just any old moon! Earth's moon, you know 13th September 1999. There are still some people on the Moonbase" Arnold Rimmer who was listening in poked his head round the door and screamed "ALIENS!"

"Oh God, Aliens. Your explanation for anything is aliens. You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall it's aliens and that time we used up a whole bog roll in one day you thought that was aliens as well! Holly try and make contact with them"

On Moonbase Alpha

Maya looked up at the moniter to see a bright red ship pop out from no-where. "Commander, a ship has just appeared in visual range."

"Any life forms?"

"Yes but no more than two or three"

Sahn joined in the conversation "Commander I'm getting a transmission from the ship"

"Put it on screen"

The screen changed from the blackness of space to a grey room with a man with dreads a yellow London jets T-shirt and a can of lager in his hand. With him was a mechanoid whose head looked like a rubber tipped pencil and a man with an H stuck to his forehead.

The man with the lager spoke first. "This is the mining ship Red Dwarf calling Moonbase Alpha"

"This is Moonbase Alpha go ahead Red Dwarf"

A voice could be heard in the background on Red Dwarf "It's him! It's really him" Rimmer whispered excitedly

"It's John Koenig!"

The commander was puzzled as to how this strange mans reaction. "Hey, how'd you know who I am?"

Lister added some sanity to the situation. "We're from earth too. You lot are in all of the history books"

"History books?"

"Yeah, 13th of September 1999. 311 scientists are lost when the moon exploded, everyone thought you were dead. We had an artificial moon made in the end. Y'see we're from the 23rd century."

"So what happened to you?"

"While I was in stasis, Rimmer here didn't fix a drive plate properly and the crew died. Three million years later the radiation from the leak had gone down to a safe level so Holly, the ships computer brought me out of stasis. Rimmer is a hologram now.. The cat, who is around here somewhere, is a descendant from my pet cat Frankenstein and Kryten tagged along after his crew had died."

After taking all the info in Koenig decided that this story was weird enough to be true. Lister then suggested tours and a swap of supplies. Koenig agreed.

On Red Dwarf

The cat walked into the control centre to see everyone elated. "Hi monkeys! What did I miss?" Lister activated the monitor. "Y'see that asteroid over there"

"The lump of rock? Oh yeah I see it"

"Well there are about 300 people from Earth on there and some of them are having a tour of the ship!"

"Really? How am I looking?" He pulls out a small mirror. "I'm looking better than nice!"

Rimmer then called for his full admiral's uniform. He then automatically went from his 2nd technician uniform to a white suit with more than a dozen medals. Whilst Kryten dashed around polishing.

On Moonbase Alpha

"Right. Tony, you Alan and Maya go and check it out."

On Red Dwarf

The spacecraft touched down. "The eagle has landed!" joked the Australian pilot.

That was only funny the first million times you said that" grumbled Tony.

The welcoming committees were all smartly dressed. (Well Lister was wearing his least smeggie things. His T-shirt he kept for special occasions that only had two curries stains on it!)

The android spoke first "Can I offer you anything? Tea, Coffee?"

But something else had caught Tony's eye. Lister was holding a can marked leopard lager.

"I wouldn't say no to one of those!" Tony asked hopefully pointing in the direction of the can.

"Sure" Lister replied getting three cans from a nearby vending machine and passing them to the Alphans.

"Now Maya, you get to find out what real beer is like not the muck he brews"

The dwarfers took the Alphans on a tour of the ship ending with Rimmer insistent on showing them his slides from his holiday on the bowels of engine rooms where Tony and Alan were still arguing over beer. Maya secretly agreed with Alan that real beer was a lot nicer than Tony's but she wasn't going to be dragged into the argument. Much later (Rimmer's slide show seemed to go on forever!) the trio left Red Dwarf back to Alpha to report that all was well and that their story seemed to be true. Commander Koenig made arrangements for the crew to have a tour of Alpha. Rimmer ended the transmission with a salute that went on until the cat went up and turned off the transmission line.

Dave Lister went back to his quarters to think about everything that had happened that day. This had been the first time he had seen any humans in years, over three million years to be more precise. Although like Red Dwarf, Alpha was blindly searching for home. The Alphans had kept some sort of order there. People were working on rotors and acting on orders. He wasn't sure what would come from meeting the Alphans. They had been travelling through space for five years, which meant that theoretically they were near Earth. Perhaps they'd get all the Alphans on board and they'd all get back home. He was then reminded of his plan. Fiji didn't sound so great without Kriss Kochanski but he still wanted desperately to get home. You never know he thought I might hook up with one of the Alphans.

On Moonbase Alpha

Maya, Tony, Alan and Sahn got together for dinner to discuss the Red ship. The commander and Dr Russell joined them when they were in mid-conversation. "Did you check out the virtual simulation suite? The Wimbledon game was so realistic! And the beer..!"

"You didn't bring any back?" asked the commander in mock disappointment.

"They have a hologram simulation suite. If a person dies their personality is recorded into a mini tape. Then they are turned into a hologram." Added Alan.

"What about the technology? What powers it? Armament?" asked the commander getting back to the importance of the excursion.

"It's powered by an impulse drive and they are armed with lasers which are four times stronger than ours." Answered Maya.

"Seems like tomorrow will be very interesting"

On Red Dwarf

Next morning Rimmer woke Lister at 6.00am.

As the 9.00am pick up time creeped slowly nearer there was still no sign of cat who had not been seen since the last transmission. Turned up at 8.57am in a salmon coloured suit.

"Where have you been Mr Cat sir?"

"Gettin' ready only had 10 hours but I had to make do."

After cat had made his close cut appearance they boarded starbug and made their way to moonbase Alpha.

On Moonbase Alpha

The things that struck Dave Lister first was how clean and orderly everything was. Rimmer thought it was paradise.

The tour of Alpha ended at the cafeteria where the Dwarfers tried some of Tony's brew. Which went down quite well with Lister at least.

They then got down to business.

"So if we go the way you came in about five years we'll get to Earth?" asked Dave Lister.

"We've been through 2 worm holes and had to alter our course once or twice but theoretically it's possible." Was Maya's answer.

"Why don't you all come with us? There's plenty of room on Red Dwarf."

The commander told them he'd think about their offer. Whilst Tony and Lister had struck a deal on swapping some of their alcohol.

All the Dwarfers then made their way back to their ship. Well almost all.

Alan and Tony talked animatedly about their hoard and Maya was laughing at their daft conversation. They all headed off back to their quarters to get ready for a little party that had been arranged. After all it wasn't everyday that had visitors from Earth.

Maya, Tony, Sahn and Alan had to arrange to meet up at 7pm. Tony decided to go to the gym before the party, which was a good two hours away.

An hour later he left and saw Alan walking past.

"Hey Alan! Still on for 7?Where are ya going?"

"What's it to you?" he replied coldly

"Wha...?" Alan walked off leaving Tony bewildered.

At quarter to seven Tony made his way to Maya's quarters. Once he had gotten there he found that Alan and Sahn were already there.

"Alright, Brewman!" Alan called out.

"You've changed your tune!"


"You were giving me the cold shoulder an hour ago"

"Mate, I dunno what you mean I haven't seen ya since 5"

Neither of them knew what to make of the odd situation so Maya decided to change the subject. "So are we all ready to go?" All four of them went down to the recreation hall. The guests of honour had arrived and thanked everyone for the warm reception. Disco music by the chemical brothers and bonfunk mc had been played and the resident DJ Bill Frazer was now playing some requests which started off with Waterloo by ABBA. Alan had gone over to talk to Kryten about the Star bugs whilst the cat danced with Sahn and Tony had persuaded Maya to join in too.

After a few songs had passed Maya and Tony sat down next to Alan.

"What did you make of the Star bugs?"

"Not much different from the Eagles if you must know!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Tony just leave it. Come on" Maya motioned for them to leave but Alan followed.

"Taking orders from an alien! What ever next!"

Tony snapped, stormed over to Alan before he could swing a punch, 'Alan' turned into an alien and one of its tentacles attached itself to his forehead. Moments later he collapsed to the floor. Maya heard a noise and finding that Tony wasn't in sight she doubled back down the corridor and helped him up.

"Tony, what happened?"

"I.. Uh don't remember I went to hit Alan and then just collapsed"

The next morning the Command centre was buzzing with people talking about the night before and the fact that they had been offered a ride back to Earth and discussing what they would do first when they got there. Maya quietly got on with her work. Everyone's talk of going home brought back the fact that she could never go back home. She hoped that Tony would turn up so they could talk about something different.

A few minutes later he entered the command centre.

"Hey! Where did you two go last night?" as he entered shortly after.

"You were there!" Maya said.

"No I was talking to Kryten about Star bugs" he corrected

"After that"

"You disappeared before I finished talking to him"

"But it was you we both saw you, no mistake!"

" I dunno what happened but it wasn't me Kryten can vouch for that"

They left it at that.

The rest of the shift went pretty smoothly although no one could work out what happened the night before.

Maya and Tony went their separate ways to their quarters. Maya entered her room and saw someone sitting on the sofa. It was Malic.

"At last the Psychon returns"

"What do you want Malic? I thought you were killed when your ship exploded"

"I thought that would have been obvious. The last Archon died I don't want my people to see their new leader end up the same way. That was just an elusion made by the meson converter "

"You don't scare me this time! You're on your own! Why else would you wait here instead of charging into the command centre with all guns blazing?" She said coolly

"It didn't work for the last Archon did it? Any how this way the commander and the others can't jump in at the last moment and save you!"

"Get out of here now or I set off the alarm!"

"You mean that?" pointing to the now melted alarm. "My ship is cloaked I have a crew of 500 aboard. Resistance is futile you might as well come quietly!" Maya panicked and tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. Malic turned into the same alien that attacked Tony a tentacle attached itself to her forehead. It then disappeared as before as she collapsed.

Minutes later she got up and contacted command centre.

"Commander there is a monster on Alpha! It just attacked me and I believe it attacked Tony it can change its appearance!"

"Right I'll get security on to it!"

A group of Alphans met in the conference room. "So how would you describe the intruder?" asked the Commander.

"A lot like the ones we encountered that live off radiation" Replied Maya.

"But not the same species? So how does it attack? What provokes it?"

"It's a shape shifter, it seems to try and provoke emotion from the victim, for example when it attacked Tony it took the shape of Alan and tried to get him angry"

"So your theory is that it feeds off emotion? Well this started after we met the Dwarf crew maybe they know what it is" he said and got a communication line to Red Dwarf

"Hi commandeh" greeted Lister

"Lister do you know anything about an alien that feeds off emotion?"

"Could be a Polymorph. We had a run in with one of those a week or two back. They take emotion away so like you have no fear or guilt!"

"So how did you attack it?"

"Blasted it with a shoulder canon!" said the liverpudlian.

"Thanks" Koenig cut the line.

"Sounds a bit harsh! Do we actually have to kill it? After all it's only trying to survive!" queried Tony.

"Who needs canons! I bet I could kill it without weapons or morphing!" said Maya.

Both remarks were total out of character.

"So it took Tony's anger and it appears Maya's fear as well. So Tony's now peaceful and Maya's all kamikaze pilot" Helena observed.

"Right, Tony get security to locate the creature" The commander ordered.

"Right John" and with that the group dispersed from the room.

Later that night Frazer was on duty when he heard a heated discussion and went to investigate. The alien they had been warned about was about to attack a hydroponics technician and hit it with a laser. The alien turned into a hulk like creature and threw him through a window. But his timely arrival had given the technician enough time to run to a Comm screen and call Dr Russell. The medical team rushed to the scene to Bill Frazer who had been cut pretty badly by the window glass.

Back at the medical centre.

"So anything on the x-ray Ben?" asked Dr Helena Russell

"Yes, there seems to be a piece of glass deeply embedded in his shoulder." Explained Dr Vincent

"Well it'll have to come out, prepare him for surgery"

"Yes, Dr"

Soon after, the operation was complete and the piece of glass had been successfully removed.

"Good thing we got rid of that quickly, if that had moved a fraction it could have caused permanent damage"

'Dr Vincent' turned into the alien from before and the tentacle attached itself to her forehead and she collapsed.

Soon after the real Ben Vincent entered the medical centre and helped the Dr to her feet. "Are you ok?"

"Uh.. Yes thanks" she answered quietly.

She quietly got on with her work.

On Red Dwarf

"Looks like they're havin' trouble with a polymorph we should go help 'em. It's probably cos of us it's there any way!" said Lister

" Smeg off dog food face, that thing attacks holograms," shouted Rimmer in return.

"Fine we'll go without you!"

"You'll leave me on my own? By god we'll rescue these fair blooms or my names not Captain A. J. Rimmer space adventurer."

"We're on a mission of mercy, we're not on the pull. Lets go".

On moon base Alpha

Koenig walked down the corridor to the medical centre. He entered the room to find Dr Russell still working. He went put his arms round her and she jumped back. "What's wrong?"

"I've just been a bit off colour since I was attacked earlier" she said dissmisivly.

"Say what? Why didn't you tell anyone?" he said alarmed. The next sound came from the Comm screen and Sandra Benes appeared on the mini T.V. "Yes Sahn?"

"Sir, The Red Dwarf crew want permission to land. They want to help find the Polymorph."

"Permission granted. We could use the help. I'll go meet them at the travel tube"

He went down the corridor to the travel tube and stopped after hearing his name called.

"KOENIG!" He whirled around to find out who was calling him. It was Sam his best friend who his crew had t leave behind with an incurable disease. "You left me to die!" Sam snarled advancing towards Koenig.

"I know what you are Polymorph You can't scare me!" Although the tone of his voice said otherwise.

Sam was now right in front of him and transformed in to the Polymorph and the tentacle approached John's forehead.

It suddenly exploded goo flying in every direction. Beyond was Lister who still had the canon on his shoulder with the canon still smoking from the blast.

"Thanks, Lister!" Koenig grinned gratefully, he was covered in goo.

"No problem and it's Dave" He said.

An hour later the command centre crew and the crew of Red Dwarf met in the conference room to discuss going home.

"I think we're all pretty happy here" was the view of most of the crew. There was no guarantee that they would get home with the Dwarfers so they decided against it. "Thanks Lis.. Dave but we're gonna stay here we've grown quite attached to the place."

"Okay, well good luck. See you on Earth!" Lister said as he left. Rimmer did his usual long salute and departed.

At the command centre, the crew watched on the big screen as the Jupiter Mining ship Red Dwarf departed. And the visual changed back to the calm serenity normally found in space.

Copyright (c) 2003. Reprinted with permission.
Space:1999 is (c) 1976 by Carlton International Media.
All stories are the property of their respective authors.

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